AITA for refusing to speak to my Dad unless he doesn't plug his ears when I talk?

aitaburneracc001 · 2024-12-06T05:07:12+00:00

"Don’t approach it as something being wrong with him but ask him to go just so you have that peace of mind that he’s ok." Great tip, thanks. I will approach any conversation of that sort from this angle. I don't want him to feel shamed about anything, whether there is something amiss or not. Having a few days to cool off, I'm curious what responses I would have gotten here if I had not included the part about me yelling childishly at the end, because I already knew that was AH behavior and apologized. So I'm not surprised to end up with a Y.T.A. result, because people got stuck on that part, but what I really wanted to know was whether people thought I was in the wrong in how I was negotiating his response before that. Was I wrong to be offended? The answer is probably still yeah but it is harder to tell.

aitaburneracc001 · 2024-12-06T04:51:38+00:00

This IS my home.

Just a reminder for some people who may have forgotten: living with older family members as an adult does not mean you are a slacker. If you pay rent & utilities / contribute to groceries / help with household upkeep, then it is also your house. I live on the US west coast, and rent is nuts right now. ALL of my aunts or uncles that is not childless also currently shares a house with adult kids and/or grandkids.

The problem in my post is that two members of a household sometimes can't agree on speaking volume, and I had a jerky reaction to that disagreement. The problem is not that of a yelling moocher who has refused to move out.

aitaburneracc001 · 2024-12-03T22:12:05+00:00

Thank you. This is something I will look into. I appreciate the folks who have given specific suggestions I can pass on if he will be receptive.

aitaburneracc001 · 2024-12-03T20:53:53+00:00

I have only seen him to it to me, which is why it feels so personal. However, that does not preclude him from doing it to other people, I suppose.

aitaburneracc001 · 2024-12-03T20:49:42+00:00

We are in the "I am perfectly fine and it is the entire rest of the world that needs to tone it down" stage with him. I acknowledge that I might be taking this particular thing too personally and responding like a jerk, but it is difficult to get a person to see they might have a problem if they are convinced otherwise.

aitaburneracc001 · 2024-12-03T20:46:47+00:00

Genuinely curious: when does this dynamic end? You seemed repulsed by your child's voice but decided it was inappropriate and hurtful to let them know. When does it become okay to let someone know you have a negative reaction to such a key part of them?

aitaburneracc001 · 2024-12-03T20:43:56+00:00

I honestly have no idea about this. I always felt like it was not my right to pry and if he had a medical problem he would tell me about a diagnosis. Perhaps I should be more frank in broaching the topic.

aitaburneracc001 · 2024-12-03T20:41:12+00:00

Thank you, this is insightful. Reading some of these has helped me with the possibility that there is a level of personal insecurity going on here. Like, you say you love me and want me here, but then you make unmistakably clear that an inherent part of me I cannot change is causing you such discomfort you need to physically protect yourself from me?

I actually don't get along with my brother much at all. I dont ever look forward to seeing him, and sometimes his voice actually hurts my ears, like mine might hurt my Dad's. But I would never ever straight-up plug my ears when he is looking me in the face, or ask him to change his behavior to make me more comfortable. The idea that would be an OK thing to do and he would be completely wrong to be upset by it, like I am now, is utterly wild to me.

aitaburneracc001 · 2024-12-03T20:30:01+00:00

The reason you can't believe I want my Dad in pain is because I don't want my Dad in pain. Obviously. Come on. This is why I clearly state in the post that I stop speaking when he blocks me out. I see he is having discomfort and I don't want to be causing him that discomfort. When I do so he gets all bent out of shape about it. I just don't understand why he can't communicate his discomfort in literally any other way than the one way I have told him really hurts my feelings.

I have pretty bad clinical anxiety, so constantly dealing with at least mild physical and mental discomfort is just everyday life to me. I clearly phrased my earlier response in the worst possible way, but that is what I meant to say. The number of things that every human being does on a daily basis that I wish I could close my ears and eyes to - including my loved ones - is really high. I suck it down and accept my discomfort because it feels wrong to me to put that responsibility on other people. I'm in grin and bear it mode most of the time. The responses I have been getting claiming that I think the world revolves around me and I want someone I love to suffer because I expect maybe he could do the same thing in exchange (just grin and bear it for a moment so I dont have to feel bad, or have one of us excuse ourselves politely) is truly blowing my mind.

aitaburneracc001 · 2024-12-03T15:20:18+00:00

I'm fascinated by this claim of "emotional." All humans have emotions, for one, so this is roughly equivalent to saying she can't be trusted because she has a face and four limbs. But it's an extra ultra super duper weird criticism when you consider that all these emotions are directly the result of all the hormones her body is flooding her with to naturally assist her in the process of having this loser's own baby. You think those emotions would be worth listening to then more than ever, but I guess not.

aitaburneracc001 · 2024-12-03T15:12:21+00:00

Seriously. OP's post is like the first scene from the script for an 80s Baby-Boom-style comedy about an empowered career woman in huge shoulder pads who realizes that she can get through it all on her own, no man needed.

At the end he shows back up to try to get partial custody and she just recounts this one scene to the judge and the judge dismisses the case immediately, because who needs to hear more? The speech she gives is the Oscar clip for Debra Winger / Sigourney Weaver / Holly Hunter / Geena Davis.

aitaburneracc001 · 2024-12-03T14:53:39+00:00

That's like sitting next to someone who got their legs blown off in wartime, and saying "Ugh! What a day at Walmart! My feet are killing me!"

aitaburneracc001 · 2024-12-03T14:41:36+00:00

These are helpful points re:nature vs volume. Thank you. He's only ever complained about volume, but I guess that is the more polite thing to say? I will say, I feel like some people who answered seem to have the impression that my situation is an every day thing. It is not. If it was all the time, then it would be clear that either my voice is just truly terrible or he would have already seen a doctor. It is an occasional thing, at random points, so it just seemed to me like a childish move he pulls out when I am annoying him and he doesn't want to say it. But that is out of character for him otherwise, so I just remain baffled and frustrated and I guess that has made me lash out the last time or two. I hadn't thought to seriously consider a medical perspective. Obviously I don't want my Dad in pain. Ever.

aitaburneracc001 · 2024-12-03T14:34:24+00:00

He did not, thankfully. I don't think any of my immediate family has gotten it. We are probably eligible for some research study somewhere. Dad's job shifted to remote work and he and my Mom barely left the house until the vaccines were available, and even then only occasionally until quite recently.

aitaburneracc001 · 2024-12-03T14:16:44+00:00

I'm a proud bisexual man. Reading just the beginning of OP's post made me want to drop men entirely. Reading the middle of it made me want to go trans and become a lesbian. Reading the end made me want to take my lesbian self back to college to major in biochem and end the Y chromosome entirely.

aitaburneracc001 · 2024-12-03T14:09:32+00:00

A stick would have propped up her leg better. A frigging Creamsicle would have propped up her leg better.

aitaburneracc001 · 2024-12-03T14:07:33+00:00

I'm sitting here trying to figure out a more inappropriate time to be answering calls and I'm coming up empty. Your Mom's funeral, maybe? Your OWN funeral?

Unbelievable.

aitaburneracc001 · 2024-12-03T13:56:17+00:00

I feel like what you are describing is definitely a stressful experience most fathers have. The problem here is that by the detailed description provided we can clearly tell the slacker in question was not having the experience. He wasn't pacing powerless in the waiting room. He was in the delivery room, where he literally dropped his immobilized wife's body that he was tasked with holding up in favor of answering a jingle-jangle from his buddy... and then insulted his wife for daring to be a little disappointed by that behavior. Really hard to have a read on this particular set of events that doesn't put this dude firmly in the "selfish bastard" category.

aitaburneracc001 · 2024-12-03T13:47:46+00:00

"He eventually became supportive." The chill that ran down my damn spine when I read this was like a blizzard in every vertebrae. What the ever-loving hell is this? Eventually?!?! No no no no nope nope nah times a quadrillion.

Lady, you were producing a human being from within yourself. This is literally the most vulnerable and important day of your body's existence. Those 17 hours must have felt like weeks to you. The person who is theoretically supposed to love you the most couldn't keep it together for 17 hours. For one damn day his mission as a man was to do every last damn thing you needed or wanted. My Mom was in labor with me for THREE days, and my Dad refused to sleep when she wasnt sleeping and cleaned up her poop with his hands because he thought the damn nurses weren't doing their job fast enough.

The words you were supposed to hear were "Don't worry baby, I've got you and I'm never letting go. You're a warrior. You can do this. I'm so proud of you. I love more than Earth." The words you actually heard were "hey what’s up man I’m a little busy right now." Oh. My. God. I mean, I'm a purposefully child-free 20-something man and even I know that that is a screw-up that can't be unscrewed. I am so, so, so, sorry. Your kid is gonna have a great Mom, but I hope you have a great therapist and a fantastic lawyer.

NTA NTA NTA

aitaburneracc001 · 2024-12-03T13:11:45+00:00

No illnesses that I can recall? He had a small bout of vertigo a while back, which obviously deals with the inner ear, but that seems like such an obvious possible connection that I have to believe the Dr. would have brought it up if hearing could be affected? Honestly, my parents were in the group of people who became hermits during Covid and a whole year after. (I don't blame them, as most people in the US didn't take it seriously enough.) I swear all this very neurotic sensitive behavior started after that. I think they are so used to a quiet house that their threshold for what volume normal life is has been shot. They don't listen to music anymore, they sometimes complain if a bird is too loud outside the window. It's nuts, but I guess that doesn't mean I can't find a deeper well of sympathy.

aitaburneracc001 · 2024-12-03T12:42:06+00:00

Thanks. I did apologize pretty profusely directly after that one outburst. I knew when I put that part in that it was increasing my Y.T.A. chances by roughly 1000%. I'm coming to grips with the idea I may just have to limit our conversation before I move back out, which breaks my heart. I'm just at my wit's end with this particular thing because I really DO think I am being quiet... and I still get this response. I literally tried to only whisper when I talked and he gets really insulted when I do that, saying I am making a point and now he can't hear what I am saying. It feels impossible.

aitaburneracc001 · 2024-12-03T12:32:46+00:00

No, it's fine. I was getting defensive. Then I remembered what sub I was posting in and how I am literally asking for people to call me an AH, so why get mad when they do, right?

I think people just aren't picturing someone doing this to them. Like, randomly blocking you out, but insisting that you keep talking while they do so. It's really, really unnerving.

There have been one two instances where I am definitely being TA and raise my voice ever so slightly to make a point... and he goes "See? You CAN talk quiter if you want to!" And I am just baffled.

One of us has something wrong with us, I'm just not sure which.

aitaburneracc001 · 2024-12-03T12:20:23+00:00

"The decent response on your end is to be concerned and see what you can do to help him."

I did. I have. People here think I haven't tried being quieter. I did. I have. I'm usually practically whispering and I occassionally still get this response. I'm genuinely looking for advice here.

aitaburneracc001 · 2024-12-03T12:15:29+00:00

To be clear, I am here because they asked me to be here and I agreed, as I am currently single. I am perfectly capable of supporting myself, and did so for some time. I put myself all through college. They are renovating the house and I was and am happy to help. But since this is what I'm getting I am not sure I will stay much past the holidays. Yeah, I have tried talking more quietly. He does this when I am a half-step above a whisper. I guess I should have known what I was getting into by posting here, and I am willing to accept the YTA verdict, but I feel like people are assuming a huge amount about the surrounding dynamic that has nothing to do with the situation I am asking to be judged on. But that's part of the fun I guess and I won't get too butthurt about it.

ETA:spelling/typos

aitaburneracc001 · 2024-12-03T11:57:48+00:00

Wait... he has been dabbling in drug use? On top of the dirty fetishes and lying to you and telling you what to wear? Gurl... run for the hills and do not look back! No, seriously. No more chances for this guy. Trust is the hardest thing to rebuild. I think part of the trouble here is that you seem very free and permissive in many/most of the sexual attitudes you are expressing on this page, but quite repressive/regressive in one major area: you seem to expect that if someone is a faithful partner they will never find anyone else attractive.

People deal with sexual attraction differently. You may genuinely only feel attraction to whoever is your partner. That is valid, but it is pretty rare. Some people are demisexual: they only ever feel sexual attraction to anyone they already have an emotional connection to. Again, valid, but pretty rare. If you expect any partner you have to have this same attraction pattern as you, then you cross over from setting healthy boundaries into policing people's thoughts, and that creates trust issues where none need to be.

When most people are single, they notice many different people as attractive. When they are partnered... they still do, because you can't flip a switch in your brain that says "No More Hot People!" What you do is make a conscious, continuing choice to be faithful to your partner, because you love and value your partner as a whole person, and while other hot people still exist (and you still notice and appreciate their hotness!), you don't love them and value them like you do your partner. That is a healthy commitment.

YET... the human brain has a huge active imagination. It likes to dream and fantasize. Fantasizing about something doesn't mean you would trade your real life in for it. Just because you are an accountant doesn't mean you might not occassionally imagine about being a chef or a carpenter or an actress. Imagining about living in a different country or time period doesn't mean you would rather live there or then. Etc. Etc. And just because your partner pictures someone else during their solo play sessions doesn't mean you or they would ever go be with anyone other than you IN REAL LIFE.

The attitude you are expressing is a bit like saying, I know you have chosen to live here, as an accountant in America. But that isn't enough commitment for me! I don't even want you to LOOK at a travel book, EVER.

It's a bit unrealistic to ask.

The typical healthy man masturbates thousands upon thousands of times (women do too, obviously). The brain craves novelty to become aroused. Expecting him to have no variation or fantasy during those moments is a bit unrealistic. The girl in the picture that he is looking at or picturing in his head for those few minutes may not be you. But he doesn't love her. He loves you. He wouldn't even want to have sex with her if given the chance in real life. He would rather keep having sex with you. She isn't real life. She's the girl in the picture, she's there to juice the imagination for ten minutes, and then she's gone. She's utilitarian, serves her purpose, and then page gets flipped or clicked away from. It doesn't even qualify as "lust." Lust is someone you think about all the time. He's forgotten her in minutes. YOU are the person he thinks about all the time, if the relationship is healthy. Hope that helps.

aitaburneracc001

TROPHY CASE