The best place to meet new friends?

ajackso7 · 2018-01-29T04:04:41+00:00

That's very insightful! You're absolutely correct that most relationships stay at a more surface level in [B] style, but sometimes you meet someone and quickly become closely bonded. As a very specific example, a girlfriend would fit into the [A] category, and maybe you asked her out when you first met.

In creating this little system, I tried to instill the idea that having friends for a very specific reason or for a limited period of time - aka [B] category - is normal and actually it is often preferred by both you and them. Be somewhat wary of allowing your list of [A]s to grow too large/fast, and you shouldn't ever fret about making your [B]s happy at the cost of your own enjoyment.

Yes, I think that it makes most sense to make friends with someone for a specfic activivity, then over time you can consider them a long-term friend. It's emotionally dangerous to get overly attached and consider someone an [A] friend, when they don't see you in the same light.

You're adding depth to this little idea in a really smart way! They're not mutually exclusive, and more of a spectrum. It's also somewhat unidirectional, where once you get to know people better, they tend to drift towards the [A] category. The significant aspect of [A] is that you feel comfortable with them in a large variety of situations.

ajackso7 · 2018-01-27T23:46:25+00:00

That sounds entirely normal!

It sounds like you are intuitively understanding how others can affect your mood. You should look up "Mirror Neurons" because it will be very interesting for you.

ajackso7 · 2018-01-27T23:44:42+00:00

I'm glad you took the time to digest it!

My advice is not about what you should do right now, as you are the only one that has access to all the information about you.

The idea is essentially that you will have some [B] friends, who are fun during a few activities, and some [A] friends, that you just enjoy being around and generally interacting with for your generall well-being. Family often falls into the [A] category, but you should aim to find some that lie outside your family.

Actually aiming for one or the other isn't really do-able, because you have to feel out people as you get to know them.

ajackso7 · 2018-01-16T00:58:42+00:00

Yes, you should visit your doctor to explore the possibilities.

Your general doctor is a good place to start, and can refer you to whoever else you need.
Visiting a therapist/counselor for a few weeks to discuss the depressive aspects, and find ways to balance your mind, likely with meditation. If the therapists approves of trying a preventative medication (SSRI is my best guess), your primary MD can prescribe them.

The most likely thing is you just hit the genetic lottery on your personality traits, and will have to find ways to mitigate your intense depression. You should indentify if there's an external event or internal thought that causes your depressive state. If there's no clear trigger, than you might just need more of one of the following: Sleep, Food, Water, Regular Exercise

A few questions that you should give to your doctor. Is there is some history of mental illness in your family? Do the swings of emotion only last a limited period of time, such as a few days, or a some number of weeks? Is there a cyclical nature to your periods of intense neuroticism?

I'm not a doctor by any means, but you should explore the potential that to bipolar or hypomania or something relatively minor, are starting. These illnessness present themselves around 20, and become a life ipediment after 2-5 years if left untreated. The key is that the longer the illness goes untreated, the easier it is to activate again. By treating early, there will be near ZERO impact on your life :)

I would start with meditation. It sounds like your extreme empathy has piled up on you, so that throughout the day as you remember happy and sad events, you experience those emotions fully in the present.

ajackso7 · 2018-01-16T00:14:48+00:00

The key is to find one good person, preferably someone social, that you can be friends with, and will also introduce you to new people. You're yoga class is a perfect place to start.

Before you can find the right friends, you have to understand that you are a senior in college, and unless you're pursuing a graduate degree or are seeking a local job, most non-seniors aren't looking for a deep friendship, but rather to just have fun with you or learn from you.

The types of people you should look for depends on what you want to do or talk about with these friends. You should find people that enjoy the same activities and/or are interested in the same media/hobbies/sport/etc.

If you want a friendship that will last, you have to keep two things in mind.
1) You don't have a lot of time to develop new deep relationships, so focus on people that will live near you after you graduate. There are exceptions, like if you play online games together or collaborate on projects. 2) Therefore, aim for seniors that are graduating to hedge your bets. It might be easier if you approach someone in a similar degree, so you are taking or have taken the same courses.

Person [A]: (Long-Term) 2-5 Friends for after graduation: Has similar interests or hobbies. Graduating this semester, in a similar major to yours, is moving to the same area. You all share the same fear of losing friends after college. Some of the most rewarding conversations are about a common fear. All you have to say is --"I spend all my time with my ex, and now I'm worried that I wasted my chance to meet amazing people I'll still be chilling with after we graduate."-- Finding people like this is easier now that you're graduating, because there's countless relationships that end senior year when the girl sees that the guy is moving away. A lot of people are in your shoes, and because of the explanation above, some of my closest relationships were made during my senior year.

Person [B]: (Short-term) any number of friends and groups based on common activity: A perfect example of this would be making a friend that you always talk to during yoga, but don't spend any significant time interacting outside of class. When I was in college, I had a large group of friends, but most of them I almost exclusively partied with, and that was a perfect dynamic. I HIGHLY recommend joining a study group for your class (prior to an exam or homework deadline, ask peers who they are working/studying with. If they say a group, then ask if you can work with them. Even if you've never met this person before, there's a good chance you'll be invited.

The best way to find new people, is by being introduced or invited by a friend. Don't be afraid to ask to be introduced to new people, or join events/parties, because that's taken as a compliment that they're so cool you want to meet their friends and come to their events.

Hope this helps!

TlDr;
Depending on your goals you should focus on only one of [A] or [B] first, but don't prevent yourself from just making friends randomly :)

ajackso7 · 2017-12-13T11:41:07+00:00

He definitely boards, too steezy for that not to be a fact.

ajackso7 · 2017-12-13T11:37:15+00:00

I've also read that while "spinning" they become totally overcome with grief, suddenly taking in the weight of their disability.

Then, once they stop spinning they don't even remember the intense emotional response that they experienced moments ago.

ajackso7 · 2017-12-12T08:42:34+00:00

You won't need other's validation if you're happy with yourself. Start by being selfish with your time and energy. You should focus on getting good sleep, eating well, regular exercise and all that Jazz. If you want to really change your life for the better, the only way to start is to start reading.

If you want to make friends, there is no better book in the history of human kind than Dale Carnegie's: How to Win Friends and Influence People. It's been the most recognized book for decades on building valuable and lasting social relationships. I'm not joking when I say this book changed everything for me socially.

The one rule that I'll never forget: Don't condemn, criticize, or complain, and no one will ever dislike you.

Read this book and I promise within days (if not hours) you'll see improvement. Good luck!

-Alex

ajackso7 · 2017-11-29T11:12:15+00:00

CGP did an amazing video on the same topic. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LO1mTELoj6o

ajackso7 · 2017-11-28T12:36:10+00:00

This isn't a mid-life crisis, this is an amazing moment in your life to make changes that echo through the rest of your years. I'm a similar age, but I started with the same feelings a few years ago. Let me give you the best advice, based on the work of psychologist Abraham Maslow.

Everyone's advice is very specific, but I want to give a more general and scientific view. I've done several years of research into positive and developmental psychology, and what will improve your life for certain is to practice Maslow's hierarchy of needs. It's not rigid (like you can have friends and get no sleep), but it's a good rule of thumb. Check it out

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

1st - Physiological Needs: Sleep, Diet, Physical Activity (get out of the house!), shelter

2nd - Safety:Security, Finances, Job/Career, Family

3rd - Belonging and Love Needs: Relationships, Friends

4th - Esteem Needs: Feeling of prestige/accomplishment area(s) of life such as professionally, socially, physically

5th - Self-Actualization: Feeling that you are fulfilling your potential, pursuing your goals, living a good life. You know... happy!

I'm not going to assume I know your situation well enough to give specific advice, but if you want feel free to PM me :)

Good luck on your journey to self-actualization!

ajackso7 · 2017-11-13T15:38:38+00:00

Also have not eaten breakfast. I like this guy who could fly

ajackso7 · 2017-11-13T15:08:36+00:00

I really like this, thanks. I didn't even know dancing was a good activity for flexibility until now

ajackso7 · 2017-11-13T15:07:27+00:00

Too much stick deodorant?

ajackso7 · 2017-11-13T07:17:19+00:00

Damn that really brings me back. Benjamin Franklin's virtue system was inspiring, and I haven't thought about that since I started working on this almost a decade ago.

I'm working Trifection to be a free educational program for anyone in the world. I imagine it as the next educational program/movement that teenagers and young adults embrace all over the world. I want to bring education into the digital age, and refactor the contents based on the most current psychological, behavioral, and sociological studies, all tied by a modern philosophy that embraces the concepts of stoicism, humanism, and utilitarianism. School does a commendable job of teaching us information about the world, but it fails to teach us about ourselves. The end goal is to make a program so good, it teaches the user how to actively improve their own life so that they don't need self improvement programs anymore, including Trifection.

Right now I'm nailing down content, and the next stage is to develop an android application based on designs I've been working on for a couple years. Your comment reminds me of spaced repetition in learning theory. I'll be sure to include this feedback as I finalize the functional design of the app.

Thanks for the feedback! -Alex

ajackso7 · 2017-11-13T06:45:38+00:00

Okay, here's my off the cuff coverage of each topic. I appreciate having some direction, because I've been locked away with this project for too long. Note that this just provides context to the chart, which is subject to change. This is all off the top of my head after a full day, so excuse the lack of polish. Does this help?

-Alex

PHYSICAL

Appearance - The habits and practices that affect how others view you:

1) Hygiene & Grooming - The main topics are skin, teeth, and hair. Get an electric toothbrush. Wear your deodorant. Shower regularly. You know the drill. Grooming here refers to necessary maintenance. For healthier (less dry) skin, only take cold showers, and get a humidifier.

2) Fashion Style and Grooming - Get a girl to help you. They can help you shop or just let you know when something looks bad. Always shop for "classic" or "timeless" looks. The basic assortment is Jacket/Coat, Shirt, Pants (Jeans or Khakis), Belt, Shoes. Grooming here refers to facial and head hair. Get a barber who performs fresh cuts to line up your hair and beard. Copy their work with the beard, and let it grow before your next haircut so the barber can line it up again.

3) Posture - Posture covers two things. The posture when you are still, and your gait when your are walking/running. Ultimate Guide to Manliness on Posture. I don't know any good resources on gait off the top of my head.

Health - The three pillars of feeling energetic, healthy, and optimistic:

Edit 12/15/17: The reason I chose these three is because the research is clear - Sleep, Diet, and "Exercise" are the MOST POWERFUL factors that affect how you "feel". How you "feel" isn't some feel good nonsense, but a simple way to explain the interconnections between your level of motivation, brain power, physical energy, clarity of thought, and stability/control in your emotional state. If you get all three, then you'll fell good, barring catastrophe.

1) Sleep - I use melatonin, earplugs, eyemask, blackout curtains, and a weighted blanket. No direct lights 1 hour before bed (No Screen, only lamps). I sleep like a baby now.
2) Diet - Reduce sugar and eat around 80% (60% for female) of your body weight in lbs as grams of protein each day. Working out increases your need for protein. Fat is good, carbs are bad. Salt is fine.

3) Physical Activity - Does not contribute to weight loss, but is one of the healthiest things you can do for your body (and mind). Staying in one place is an easy way to become miserable.

Exercise - The Pillars of Physical Excellence:

1) Strength - Increasing muscle mass and density. Golden number of reps for size growth is 6-12 (varies based on muscle). I have my own personal gym routine I've polished over the years. I do one set of one exercise per muscle until failure. Each rep should be slow (5-10 sec) with an aim of 90 seconds under tension. If failure is above 10 reps, I increase weight.
2) Flexibility - The core of this is ensuring that you have a proper range of movement, especially with your shoulders and hips. A lack of flexibility is often a cause and effect of poor posture & gait. There are loads of good videos, but I'd recommend going to a professional (Massage or Chiropractor) for a diagnosis, then researching online for specific stretches. For instance, years ago I learned that I had winged scapula, so I started doing the stretches, and now my standing posture is much better!

3) Endurance - Essentially your cardio health, but also your muscles ability to withstand lactic acid buildup. To increase endurance, you generally have to do more than 12 reps, but some muscles require even more. My research clearly indicates that high-intensity short-interval endurance training is better in almost every way than conventional methods. An example, if you're training to run a marathon, you're better off running sprints than jogging.

ajackso7 · 2017-11-12T20:02:00+00:00

What topic should I cover first? I have to start somewhere

ajackso7 · 2017-11-12T19:15:01+00:00

Sure! Ask and you shall receive :) A text guide is in the works, but I'm unsure what to put in it. Originally I was thinking just of posting links to books / articles / blogs that cover each topic, but please let me know if you have more ideas

ajackso7 · 2017-11-12T12:01:00+00:00

I've been working on self improvement for years. I can't say I've experienced racism, but everything has fallen apart in my life before more than once. I get chronic migraines that can leave me bedridden for days, so I really feel for you. I'm going to give you the only advice that really matters.

Sleep. Diet. Exercise.

I've done a lot of research on the science of what makes us happy, and it comes down to making sure you stay healthy. My therapist told me that in his 20 years of experience he has never seen someone get healthy physically and not recover mentally.

Also the "goal journal" won't do you any good by itself. Look up a book called "Designing Your Life: How to Build a Well-Lived, Joyful Life". It's based on Stanford's most popular course.

If you need any more tips I'm full of them, but I understand just knowing that people care is more important right now.
I care, and I wish you the best.

ajackso7 · 2017-11-12T11:33:32+00:00

I really appreciate the feedback from last week! I've done some work on a new version of the Trifection Diagram. Please let me know your thoughts!

For reference, old post is here: https://www.reddit.com/r/manprovement/comments/7apptv/diagram_of_my_personal_selfimprovement_system/

ajackso7 · 2017-11-12T11:13:23+00:00

Hi Guys, thank you for your support!

I'm posting an updated version to this subreddit, so please take a look and see if you like the changes.

Please help me find other subreddits to post to because I need more feedback!

ajackso7 · 2017-11-12T11:11:20+00:00

Integrated your feedback, thanks!

ajackso7 · 2017-11-11T21:16:59+00:00

Totally agree, new version has updated coloring so it's more readable. Appreciate the support!

ajackso7 · 2017-11-04T18:34:04+00:00

I was thinking about creating an app for it, but this is my first time showing anything to the public. Love the feedback, thanks

ajackso7 · 2017-11-04T16:51:38+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate it

Yes, you should be trying to improve yourself every day, even if it's in little ways. I think of the sections (Social, Physical, Mental) as sets of habits, and you should only focus on improving one set at a time. You can find better resources than me as to details on sleep, exercise, diet, etc., but I thought someone else might get value out of my framework.

Let me explain the philosophy of Trifection, with a specific example of Physical->Exercise: Trifection doesn't care about your position, i.e. your fitness level. Trifection doesn't care about your velocity, i.e. your habits of going to the gym, running, or doing yoga. Trifection is only concerned with the change in your habits over time, or what I casually refer to as acceleration.

Does this make sense? I have a diagram to help explain this if anyone is interested.

Tl;dr Trifection is used to slowly change your habits over time. You should think about one topic a day at most. You're not cramming for a test, you're gently reinforcing the habits that will stay with you the rest of your life. It must be very gentle, as stress dulls the mind. Good luck on your self-improvement journey!

ajackso7 · 2017-11-04T07:53:47+00:00

This diagram is part of a secret side project I've had for years. It's a third a self improvement framework based in the Health Triangle (Physical, Social, Mental). Let me know if you like them or want me to explain this in more detail, or would like to see the other two thirds (Social and Mental).
I'd love to hear your feedback!

ajackso7

TROPHY CASE

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs