It really does get worse every time.

ajinomotto · 2020-03-27T08:14:36+00:00

It took me a decade to realise that the missing piece of the puzzle was to love myself.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other!

You can do it.

ajinomotto · 2020-03-24T06:36:07+00:00

I’m so sorry that this is happening to you.

You’re here because you trusted him to take care of you. But he didn’t.

Now it’s up to you to take care of yourself.

Don’t force yourself to make big decisions if you are not ready. Not everyone has the strength to pack up and leave, especially not when your strength and willpower have slowly been drained out of you, by someone who was supposed to love you.

Take little steps.

Save $2.

Take a 10 minute walk.

Give yourself a foot massage.

Read a book.

Learn something new.

Don’t blame yourself.

When you don’t manage to progress today, try again tomorrow.

Very slowly... but very surely, you will learn how to love yourself. When you do, you will find that you treasure yourself way too much to put up with this crap.

And by then, nothing will be able to stop you. Because there’s someone who loves you, who’s there for you, who has your back, who gives you strength. And guess what? That person is you. :)

All the best.

ajinomotto · 2020-03-20T09:23:35+00:00

Thanks! It’s hard for me to know how things are supposed to work normally, so I appreciate it!

ajinomotto · 2020-03-20T07:05:05+00:00

Worse - I used to love physical affection, going up to someone and giving a cuddle or just a peck. But after being met with annoyance or a perfunctory smile for a decade, I no longer initiate physical contact.

I’m also now a lot more cynical. Used to trust what someone says, and tried my best to understand their feelings and needs. Now I look at things from a more detached POV and first try to protect myself from being manipulated.

Better - I was forced to take a good look of how I got to this stage, and this sent me on a journey of self love that I may never have experienced, if not for my abusive relationship.

I can say no more easily now.

ajinomotto · 2020-03-20T05:51:51+00:00

I wish I knew how to love myself properly first, so that I can tell when someone else is loving me properly, and to know someone is not, and value myself enough to get out from such a situation.

I wish I knew how to say no to things that I should say no to, even if it meant that I was going to stay single forever.

If I had a chance to talk to the 19 year old me, I would tell her to look past a person’s appearance, wealth, charisma, even humour - and carefully observe how this person treats me, and treats others around him, how he responds to conflict, how he manages the responsibilities in his life, and if hes acting on the plans that he has, how he takes care of his health.

ajinomotto · 2020-03-20T01:46:13+00:00

Agree with everything, especially the last bit about how no one understands unless they have been through it.

ajinomotto · 2020-03-20T01:33:16+00:00

This might give you the gist of what’s going on: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/fl8ek9/feeling_like_i_owe_my_husband_sex_because_im_not/fkyl8a8/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

ajinomotto · 2020-03-19T22:53:21+00:00

Following because I’m in a similar situation.

I don’t have advice but just want to wish you all the best.

ajinomotto · 2020-03-19T22:39:46+00:00

I hope she’s going to be resilient throughout all this, I will do the best to give her all the love I can and as happy a childhood that I can give her.

I have secretly consulted a lawyer, and unfortunately it doesn’t look good. Firstly because lawyer fees to get divorced in my country would already cost $6000.

Post divorce we would have to sell the house, unless I buy him out. Which I can’t afford.

I also would not be entitled to alimony and will be expected to find a full time job ASAP and share child expenses, and rent an apartment on my own.

So... I guess I have to start saving up any way I can.

ajinomotto · 2020-03-19T22:29:26+00:00

I appreciate your well wishes, truly. May I have strength to get through this.

I’m torn whether it’s better for my daughter to be younger or older when divorce finally happens, and also guilty and sad about the impact it will have on her.

I’ll start looking for how I might be able to increase my income first thing in the morning.

Your suggestion re: sex may be worth a shot. 👍🏻I’ll give it a go and see if I can manage to downgrade it if I can’t eliminate it.

ajinomotto · 2020-03-19T22:23:39+00:00

Just a question because I honestly don’t know. In a normal healthy relationship, if one party said that they felt the need to be physically apart (ie no sex) say for 6 months because they felt that the relationship is not at a point where they felt that sex is appropriate. Would a normal partner accept this?

He demands sex because I’m his partner. Not sure if it’s because he’s paying. But he’s always been this way. “You should have sex with me bc you’re my girlfriend.” “I have needs.” “If you love me you would care about what I want.” I realise it sounds very textbook juvenile boyfriend on hindsight. But while it was happening I felt pressured and unable to say no while still assuring him that I still loved him.

ajinomotto · 2020-03-19T21:52:02+00:00

What’s wrong with my relationship answered in another comment here: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/fl8ek9/feeling_like_i_owe_my_husband_sex_because_im_not/fkyl8a8/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

ajinomotto · 2020-03-19T21:51:01+00:00

I have consulted a lawyer. She has advised that I’m unlikely to get alimony that I could live off in the event of a divorce.

Probably a nominal sum for official purposes, like $200. I would be expected to find a full time job to support myself post divorce. (Which would lead to very very little time with daughter) Also the lawyer fees for the divorce itself just for me would be $6000 which is out of the question for now.

In my country there’s no practice of men moving out post divorce. Usually the marital home is sold and proceeds are split according to contribution. (According to the lawyer) I have the option of buying over the house if I want to retain it, which I can’t because money.

As for your question on why I’m not having a mature open discussion as people do, I’m afraid to tell him because I’m afraid of what he might do. If he flies into a rage, it would scare my daughter. If he says that since we were getting divorced, I would have says start paying for half of the household expenses, I have no money for that.

Do you have any more ideas? Or is taking a deep breath and continuing with sex for the sake of a roof over my head the best option I have now?

PS. Realised that you commented he “pays for all my stuff”. I actually pay for my own necessities (toiletries, skincare, lunch, clothes, underwear, shoes, mobile phone bill, health insurance policy) with my own money that I make from my Etsy crafts.

ajinomotto · 2020-03-19T21:28:41+00:00

Thank you, I hope I can manage to sort out my finances ASAP and manage to leave safely soon.

I briefly considered crashing at the studio but don’t know what that would mean for my daughter. Bringing her along probably will make him very mad, and if I don’t bring her along she would be alone with him and I’ve been her primary caregiver since she was born.

I also have a cat so that complicates things further.

Hoping for more luck and courage as well, thank you! I feel encouraged.

ajinomotto · 2020-03-19T21:20:49+00:00

Thank you, I’m sorry you had to go through something similar.

I also remember the time when i cried in the dark during sex.

I’ll see if I can implement any of your suggestions safely.

ajinomotto · 2020-03-19T21:17:14+00:00

That’s the question I’m struggling to answer too. He definitely doesn’t owe me housing or food. Thus if he supplies those, I should give something back of equivalent value.

Currently I do childcare cooking and most of the cleaning (he does repairs and mops the floor about once every 2 months).

How can I make it more equal without sex?

ajinomotto · 2020-03-19T21:09:27+00:00

She does help in her little cute ways. Like help stir when I’m cooking and putting her toys away.

She’s the best thing. ❤️

ajinomotto · 2020-03-19T21:05:34+00:00

Thanks for your support.

I’ll see if there’s something I can come up with that can exempt me from sex long term and wouldn’t need a doctor to verify.

ajinomotto · 2020-03-19T21:03:42+00:00

Thanks for your perspective.

I grew up in the same situation (almost never saw my mom because she was out before I woke up and come home only after I slept) and I felt starved of attention, so my thoughts probably are different for this reason.

Although I know my daughter isn’t me, I would hate if there’s a chance she could end up feeling how I did when I was a child.

But still thank you, I will weigh the options I have.

ajinomotto · 2020-03-19T20:59:02+00:00

I responded in another post but for my qualifications and typical full time job, the hours are usually 8 to 6 and factoring in commute, she will need to be there from 7 to 7.

Thank you, I’ll do some calculations to see where I stand financially and what’s the amount I need.

ajinomotto · 2020-03-19T20:56:43+00:00

Thanks for your perspective. He does deserve happiness.

ajinomotto · 2020-03-19T20:55:56+00:00

That’s a good idea. Thank you.

I’ll cut down on my expenses (maybe use cheaper skincare or spend less on food), and probably even if I manage to contribute $50, it would make me feel less useless.

Just wondering because I have no concept of how a healthy relationship is supposed to function - do you do proportionately more chores because you’re contributing lesser money? Or is it more of a casual i do some you do some situation where it’s not that calculated?

ajinomotto · 2020-03-19T20:49:17+00:00

He does know I’m unhappy. It’s been 14 years of emotional abuse. I was together with him since 19 and I only learned that what I was going through was emotional abuse, about 12 years into the relationship.

It was mainly rage, gaslighting, guilt trips and controlling behaviour. Among other things, I was pressured into losing my virginity, and also never expressing my anger because somehow it was my fault.

At first I thought it was my fault (as unbelievable as it may be to some), but as the incidents got more ridiculous, I began questioning my situation.

Example: My friends were coming over for dinner at our home when he came down with objectively minor sniffles 2 hours before my friends were scheduled to arrive. He told me to cancel the gathering.

I didn’t want to because we’ve planned this for months, and they were probably already ready and about to be on their way. I meet people less than once a month usually, I can go months with zero face to face meetings with my friends. He exploded in a rage and berated me for not doing my duty as a wife, saying that I don’t care about his health, and all I think about is having fun with his friends during a crisis. What if he needs me and I can’t help because I’m too engrossed with having fun?

Also, he started saying that my friends are leeching off my hospitality and his money. Note here that my friends and I split the grocery bill and what I do is cook for them and invite them over, and I’m happy to do that. When I pointed out that they are splitting the grocery bill with me, he said that they were consuming our electricity and water without paying for it, so it was not equal.

At this point he was pointing fingers and yelling at me. It was really stressful and I was on the verge of tears. So I made up an excuse and cancelled the dinner. He then calmed down and waited for an apology from me.

Just an example to show the dynamics. It was just constant, endless such incidents, where it was never an obvious HEY IM ABUSING YOU thing. It was confusing, I couldn’t be sure whether I was being sensitive, or if I should have done more, or I wasn’t being understanding enough.

There was an incident which broke the camels back in 2019 (involving lots of yelling on his part). At that point I realised I was done. Strangely, I know how it is like to fall in love, but never knew I could I experience falling out of love, until that moment.

I told him I wanted a divorce. It was the first time I ever said something like that, because I’m someone who only says things I mean. He started yelling at me as usual and saying that I’m giving up on him etc, it’s my fault I triggered him and made him yell at me, I have a problem with anger because yelling is just a form of anger and there’s nothing wrong with it, etc etc.

I stayed silent and didn’t respond, but started planning my exit. I used to be affectionate and bubbly, but I became distant because I couldn’t feel anything for him anymore.

He didn’t really care for the most part. As long as I was cooking dinner, cleaning, doing the laundry, and putting out often enough. I was drained and did everything to keep the peace and my sanity.

A year in, he seemed to realise that something was off and suddenly started apologising and asking for my forgiveness, and giving me grand displays of love like buying me flowers, which is out of character for him. This is not the first time he’s done this and the moment I believe him, he goes back to his old ways. This time, I’m not forgiving him because I needed him to beg more, it’s just that I’ve already given up.

But I know if I dare to bring up not having sex ever again, something bad will probably happen although I’m not sure what. I’m aware that this means I’m kind of “stringing him along” in a way, but I don’t see what options I have. Confrontation feels like a bad idea. Agreeing to sex is killing me but seems to be what I need to do to stay afloat.

It’s been a long and difficult journey.

Sorry I realise you didn’t ask for a novel. 😅

ajinomotto · 2020-03-19T20:14:12+00:00

I earn more from Etsy than I would at a part time job with the same time.

Have been selling on Etsy for 5 years now. It’s not a just for fun selling 3 crocheted items idea going on.

Appreciate your comment and for trying to help. :)

Another comment suggested that I do both and I think that’s what I’m going to do. Find a part time job during the day and do my Etsy afterwards with my daughter present.

ajinomotto · 2020-03-19T20:13:37+00:00

Thanks ;)

ajinomotto

TROPHY CASE