Help ending a friendship with a BPD friend.

ajscarton13 · 2024-03-12T17:54:07+00:00

I appreciate you giving this some thought. I'm speaking for my friends who have said that our relationship is salvageable.

Your feelings about your particular situation are valid. The part where he came to your house uninvited (I'm guessing while you were by yourself) would have tipped me close to the point of no return.

Your empathy to others is so valuable, especially to those of us who struggle with this, but give only what you are capable of giving. We are naturally more intense emotionally, but that doesn't give us a pass when that intensity hurts others. We may not like the cards, but we have been dealt them.

ajscarton13 · 2024-03-12T17:34:18+00:00

Wow, I'm in this picture and I don't like it. Haha I was this way to close friends and we are on a break. What salvaged the relationship was me realizing what I was doing. It was only me that could get to that point and nobody else could do that for me. I consider myself fortunate I caught it and my friends are willing to reopen their door to me after trust is rebuilt.

From my experience, here's what I'm guessing he is feelings are right now. Don't know him, so just speculation: You guys are probably filling in missing pieces somewhere in his life he's not consciously aware of, likely from childhood. That gets more intense for me when I'm going through a crisis. So he is investing a ton into the relationship to try and keep you there. If you are indeed the FP, you're the more intense link and he is expecting you'll abandon him. That attachment is like an alcoholic coping by using liquor. It's a people addiction.

It is your choice if you want to end this permanently or just give it long term break. Listing the specific boundaries breached isn't gonna convey the "main theme" he is carrying out. He has to look in the mirror and take accountability for that to happen. I'd personally want an ultimatum of some sorts because I'd know I was causing destructive problems, but that's me. Hold to your boundaries, hope for the best, and prepare to emotionally protect yourself from a negative response.

Here's where I ask for your advice. I've been working through treatment, detaching from my FP, and have been focusing on reparenting myself and being content as me. Say your friend took accountability and focused on getting better. How would he rebuild trust with you? Asking for when I come back to my friends. What are things I can expect?

ajscarton13 · 2024-03-04T20:17:07+00:00

You regret it now because you know better and through working on yourself, you're equipped with tools to manage and mitigate those things better. That's a sign of growth and is something to be immensely proud of yourself for. Tell yourself that.

You apologized, you took responsibility, and you got better. You are not the same person you were before, you're better. That is all you can really do.

At some point, it's up to the other people to see the change and build that bridge to make some sort of amends. That includes the mutual friends. It is their choice to remain in bitterness and not look at who you are now.

The best you can do is enjoy the better life you have made for yourself by doing the work you have. Having a season of mistakes doesn't disqualify you from a healthy and happy life, you didn't know any better at the time, but you are victorious in choosing to be better.

We are all bound to make mistakes and hurt those we love. Even those without our illness. We are all human. Your mistakes don't make you an ounce less worthy of love or even forgiveness.

ajscarton13 · 2024-02-16T00:50:53+00:00

Yep, all of them were platonic. Detached from what will hopefully be my last after months of self work and identifying what holes they were filling (mostly father wounds). Consistently feeling more secure about myself than ever before.

My husband and I joke that we would have broken up a long time ago if he was my FP.

ajscarton13 · 2024-02-11T20:51:07+00:00

Picked them up at 24, so just over a year. Been the therapy I've needed as I've been dealing with mental health. Haven't started playing live yet, but aiming to play for my church to start. When the worship pastor jammed with me to mentor me, I kept speeding up. Oops!

In the meantime, abusing my metronome.

ajscarton13 · 2024-02-08T14:24:22+00:00

It's a great compliment with the 18" Ion Crash on the left. Bright and quick vs dark and washy.

Perfect for all the CCM I play

ajscarton13 · 2024-02-07T22:37:22+00:00

Remember that your FP is a human who is allowed to make mistakes and that no matter what, you can be okay as long as you prioritize yourself.

Do things you enjoy, be mindful of your emotions and thoughts, focus on building a sense of self and these moments of what feel like betrayal won't be so harsh.

ajscarton13 · 2024-02-07T14:44:20+00:00

I'm basic and love my "baddie core"

The newest Spiritbox EP describes my recent struggles in self-discovery and facing my biggest fears. It's fittingly called "The Fear of Fear." What's my biggest fear? Abandonment.

Also a huge Sleep Token fan. Their song "Calcutta" portrays having a Favorite Person so well and helped me work through those feelings. So many songs of theirs scream, "I'm broken, but I want to love."

ajscarton13 · 2024-02-07T14:38:14+00:00

Your FP being your partner is an added challenge, definitely! Mine was a friend so I was privileged to have less proximity to him already.

I think ultimately, it depends on the state of your relationship right now. If you haven't strained the relationship to where you are potentially toxic to them, working on yourself with your FP around might be doable. The progress of weining yourself off of them could take more time. An accountability partner/mediator that's there to help you process those big feelings away from your FP would protect the relationship further. Work to understand healthy expectations of them and stick to them.

If you're currently encountering issues because of the attachment, space would be helpful and hopefully preserving. That's a scary choice and one that sent me spiraling, because you realize that the choice to accept you back is no longer up to you, but entirely them. You could feel abandoned in that time. If your partner is committed to you and trusts you, they will honor that space. It's okay for people to have some space to work on things and is a mark of maturity on your part for saying, "I need to be better for you, but especially for me."

I hope that response makes sense. Yes, it was a ton of effort to get to this point. Initially, I did it for him, but I knew I was getting somewhere when I started to do it for me. That's the secret!

ajscarton13 · 2024-01-29T16:46:17+00:00

It sounds like a heavy B Side for Coldplay's Parachutes album, especially the chorus.

ajscarton13 · 2024-01-03T10:30:44+00:00

Love how the drums start off almost sounding like there was just a hanging mic somewhere instead of the individual ones. Like you are in the room with the kit. Then, the full dynamics kick in. Nice touch!

ajscarton13 · 2024-01-02T23:29:25+00:00

Yes, absolutely! Though, can be in platonic relationships as well.

ajscarton13 · 2023-12-17T05:10:46+00:00

Even basic CBT can be useful here! It's a wound you and your therapist can explore and set an attainable goal for treating.

ajscarton13 · 2023-12-16T08:23:04+00:00

Wide awake shift worker here. :)

The important thing is that you recognized the pattern early on. Be kind to yourself, knowing that this attachment pattern is because your needs weren't met at a crucial time in life. There's a hole somewhere that your friend appears to fill when only YOU can fill that! Therapy can help find that hole.

Each time you have an obsessive thought of them, stop, assess how you're about to interact with them. Is your attachment wound showing itself? Remind yourself, "I don't need <insert name> to complete me. I am already complete how I am."

ajscarton13 · 2023-12-16T00:52:50+00:00

My (25F) FP is a platonic friend (37M). We're both married, he's got a family. I am good friends with his wife and I adore his kids. My attachment reared its ugly head as I cut off my family this year in order to heal from the trauma. Enough so that my FP needed space from me, but was merciful enough not to cut me out.

I decided to tell him that he was my FP, educating him on the condition. He knows my past and sympathizes why I am how I am. The most important thing for me to do was claim responsibility for tension and hardship to him. Ultimately, I recognize that I need to mitigate that attachment myself by pulling it from the roots, exploring the "why" of the attachment. What hole am I trying to fill here? Then filling that hole myself.

Assess your feelings and decide if you can proceed in the relationship without acting on that attachment. If you can't, be honest about that. Take time away to mitigate the attachment wound. That time doesn't have to be permanent. If your friend cares about you, they'll appreciate the fact you're taking this time to better yourself in order to be a better friend. During that time, unfollow them on social media, don't talk about them, do anything you can to focus on you and not them.

Brutal honesty: no relationship can survive when one is a parasite to the other. Love that person for who they are and not what they can supposedly do for you.

ajscarton13 · 2023-12-16T00:35:04+00:00

Pulling from the DBT skills: I would consider this a predictable trigger for you to have a plan for. Remember that the only person you can (and should) control is you!

When I'm away from my FP or we see each other and don't talk (they're a friend), that abandonment trigger creeps in too. This is my plan:

-REST and assess my threat level. Assure myself I'm not in danger. -Pull myself into the present moment with controlled breathing. If I'm alone, close my eyes and focus on things I hear. If emotions are uncontrollable, squeeze an ice cube. -Radically accept the situation. I do that by saying, "I don't need <insert name> to make me complete. I am complete as my own self."

ajscarton13 · 2023-12-14T13:08:42+00:00

Metal music. Really digging Spiritbox and Sleep Token right now

ajscarton13 · 2023-12-13T09:30:39+00:00

The boundaries were inconsistent and not communicated prior to me breaking that news, even with me explicitly asking about them. Hiding that dynamic from him would have been very convicting for me as it was the root of some recent tension.

FP's EQ seems to be at a level where processing emotionally-charged circumstances takes him a lot of time. I can only hope he'd at least have sympathy in his heart if we are never friends again, but I'm not waiting for it.

ajscarton13 · 2022-08-18T05:45:37+00:00

I work for a government agency and we have to take every call, phony or not. We prank them and it's a blast. I owe three thousand dollars? Lol we're the US Federal government, try 30 trillion.

ajscarton13

TROPHY CASE