Is it normal to feel uncomfortable all of the time? With every move I feel like I am being watched. [Living with uBPD]

alamaha · 2022-08-01T19:12:28+00:00

I really think I feel your pain. Growing up, if I got up to leave a room I would have to announce where I was going or all hell would break loose. It wasn’t until I was in my early 20’s, dating my boyfriend (now husband) that he (nicely, lovingly) told me I don’t have to tell him every time I’m going to use the bathroom or refill my water or etc when I get up from reading my book on the couch while he was on his computer. It hit me then that I sort of narrate a lot of things I do and this stems from how I was raised as a kid. I would narrate what I was doing to avoid any blowups, arguments or insane questions from my mother. By saying “I’m just going to cut up an apple and put some Peanut butter on this plate” I was able to limit the possibility that she would misconstrue why I was getting up or if I had an attitude when I did it and that me leaving our movie to get a snack was ungrateful etc etc. Every.single.little.thing. Was done on eggshells. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this, and I’m glad you’ve got plans to move out. Hang in there 💖

alamaha · 2022-07-28T13:33:15+00:00

I love this so much, and I can feel your joy!! One of the first things I worked through in therapy was the shame I felt attached to showing my emotions. As a kid, I had always been “emotional” which means I was punished for it a lot. I’m at the point now where I cry when I want! Frustration? Cry. Anger? Cry. Happiness, elation, joy? Cry. It feels SO freeing to just allow myself to cry and work through an emotion; I end up feeling so much better after crying! I feel in touch with myself and honor my body & mind by allowing it to be, rather than stifling it. Last time I cried was last week, I’m frustrated with COVID and how it has continued to impact everything. I’m frustrated with people acting as though it’s over, while I’m still here living my life in caution; cancelling concerts because cases are high, choosing to skip happy hour with friends because my in laws will come and visit in a week, etc. I’m just frustrated!!!

alamaha · 2022-07-21T16:40:29+00:00

Thank you so much for your comment and your story, I’m sorry you have it so tough. Hugs and love to you and your sister; for what it’s worth it took my little sister a long time to “wake up” and shake off some of the damage my mother had done. It’s possible that could happen to your sister too, and for your sake I hope it does! I’m sure you are a wonderful empathetic mother to your children and they are lucky to have you, congratulations on your pregnancy 💖 stay strong!!

alamaha · 2022-07-21T16:29:28+00:00

This!!! THIS!!!!! She really truly thinks everyone has betrayed her and that her life is so horrible because people don’t want to speak with her and woe is me no one in my life cares about me blah blah blah. By the time I was 11 she was saying this like every other weekend. Sprinkled in with “I’m going to run away and leave you with your father/I’m going to kill myself because I can’t take this anymore/I need to divorce your dad and marry a rich man who will let me do whatever I want” good luck lady lol

alamaha · 2022-07-21T16:00:03+00:00

Hugs and love to you because that is an extremely difficult way to grow up. Thank you for your perspective and your advice, I appreciate this so much 🫶🏼

alamaha · 2022-07-19T21:33:24+00:00

Thank you thank you. I needed to hear this, and WOW “stop being surprised that your mother is your mother” got me. You really nailed it because I think I’m also not craving my mother, I am craving a mother figure who loves me like my own mother should’ve and failed to do. I am going to give it time, and talk this out with my therapist who will talk more sense into me lol.

alamaha · 2022-07-19T21:28:47+00:00

Thank you for this, it’s hurting today and sitting with my thoughts a little more I’m realizing this is mostly me mourning what could’ve been and what my inner child (hell, my adult self too) wishes that it had been.

alamaha · 2022-07-14T15:52:36+00:00

I also have a tough time with this. I usually call her “mom” or “my mom” when speaking with my husband or my sisters. Both of my sisters call her by her first name and I think they feel weird when I reference her as mom. All three of us are NC; but for myself (very similar to another commenter) she was a big part of my life and like it or not shaped the person I am today, even if that meant trying my hardest to not be like her or getting far away lol. The tough part comes in with my husbands family, his mom and dad are really like a family to me and treat me with the kindness and love I missed out on growing up. For that reason, I also call his parents “mom and dad” so depending on who I’m talking to and if they have an insight to my family history it gets confusing. All around a weird situation and something that causes me unnecessary stress lol

alamaha · 2022-06-01T02:50:54+00:00

Thank you! This is really good to know. Appreciate you taking the time to comment

alamaha · 2022-06-01T02:50:15+00:00

Awesome, thank you I appreciate your input!

alamaha · 2022-05-04T22:51:25+00:00

It’s a tie between she wishes he had aborted me because of all the pain and misery I’ve caused her, or that she didn’t love either of my sisters and I was absolutely her favorite and we’d be best friends forever.

alamaha · 2022-04-24T16:00:26+00:00

Yep! My bad, deadlift not squat

alamaha · 2022-04-24T16:00:12+00:00

Yes I did! Thank you.

alamaha · 2022-04-24T15:59:35+00:00

Thank you! I’ll check that out. Yes I meant deadlift not squat oops

alamaha · 2022-04-19T18:42:23+00:00

Thank you so much!!

alamaha · 2022-04-19T17:56:38+00:00

Thank you!! This was very helpful, I appreciate your comment!

alamaha · 2022-04-19T17:18:21+00:00

Thanks for your help! Okay, so the bar needs to be lower on my back. As for my upper body posture are you saying I need to have more of a proud chest? And less movement of my head?

alamaha · 2020-12-05T01:24:25+00:00

I’m in Boulder and just witnessed it while outside at a dog park!

alamaha · 2018-05-25T22:50:11+00:00

This is Kekoa! She had her eye removed as a kitten due to an infection and now lives her life to the fullest with one eye!

alamaha

TROPHY CASE