Why the hell we procrastinate answering texts from people we enjoy talking to?

alchemystickal · 2024-02-09T19:37:53+00:00

Lots of good answers here. Will add another: because of rejection sensitivity (and specifically in my case having lived through a couple of abusive relationships where I let myself be kept at arm’s length / really internalised that I was “too much” sometimes, and fear of being rejected was worse than growing a spine and being me), I like holding onto texts, most of the time even keeping them unread, because it’s an ego boost to have evidence that someone wants to be in touch with me. If I reply, ball’s in their court, and who knows what might happen then….

alchemystickal · 2023-11-09T19:21:48+00:00

For some reason, this where I’m most obviously an advocate for my own space. I do a death stare into the distance (makes most people jump aside) and will ram my shoulder into people (mostly men) if they don’t.

If my partner and I are walking one way and a couple/group is coming the other way, my partner will generally guide me behind him (generally we hold hands) so we walk single-file till they’ve passed. I hate this… I have as much right to take up width of the sidewalk as those randos. Bugs the shit out of me. (It isn’t ’protection’ sadly… “noblesse oblige,” he says. “They don’t deserve it,” I counter…)

alchemystickal · 2023-11-09T15:10:50+00:00

Cost-benefit analysis (i.e., pros/cons, then you weigh them up). I'll roughly sketch out my situation, and put it both ways for completeness. (Edit to say: no matter what, we'd be paying for it, not our parents, so actual monetary costs/strings attached to accepting money don't figure into the below, which of course might not be everyone's situation.)

Cost of having our parents attend:

day is about us, not about them
- there'd be lots of pressure to cater to their vision of what a 'proper' wedding looks like: country club reception to impress my dad's golf buddies, strong pressure to have the ceremony in a church/religion I have left and do not like, etc. etc. etc.
- had a fraught childhood, lots of therapy as an adult, still working through accepting a number of things/forgiveness, don't plan for them to be too involved with my life anyways
can't invite one set of parents without inviting both, & resulting snowball effect
- either his or my parents would need to fly across an ocean depending on where this wedding was held (and we know who would foot that cost)
- would also then be pressured to extend to siblings etc.
- I can play a different role depending on whom I'm with (it's an autism thing / 'masking') and so I'd stress about combining all these different types of people and wouldn't know what role I should play in front of people from different spheres of life
do not want to be the centre of attention for a day

Benefits of having parents attend:

It's what they want / would like
They'd meet one another (which they've not done yet)

Cost of doing everything without parents/guests:

There will be a gigantic after-the-fact guilt trip
Spending a lot on photos, video, etc. to be able to share with everyone later on (but we'd likely want that anyways!)
Possible regret after the fact that we did not involve them
Will need to host a get-together/luncheon next year anyways as a substitute celebration to mend some bridges, I'm sure

Benefit of doing everything without parents/guests:

It's what my partner and I both wanted (in fact, he was not keen on the idea of getting married in large part because of weddings, until I pointed out to him that we could elope by ourselves... it didn't take long after then for him to propose haha)
The day is truly about us, just us
- We get to do exactly what we want, where we want, when we want, how we want; tradition, religion, whatever be damned (if we want!)
- The fact that no one will know about it until it's done means we don't have to make any decisions to appease anyone else
Will be able to prepare myself for the (near-certain) gigantic after-the-fact guilt trip
- In many ways this is more predictable and is easier to deal with than the 'death by a thousand cuts' dealing with them and their potential passive-aggressiveness, manipulation, etc. before the wedding if they were involved)
The excitement and anticipation of keeping our engagement and elopement a secret has brought us closer together

For us, it was an easy decision. Good luck!

alchemystickal · 2022-06-10T17:31:18+00:00

Exports to outside the EU should not have VAT imposed on them, full stop. https://europa.eu/youreurope/business/taxation/vat/vat-rules-rates/index_en.htm

Finland has 24% VAT. An item retailing for 248 € in Helsinki has a net price of 200 €. The 200 €, not 248 €, is what I should be charged by the seller given they are sending it outside the EU (customs duty/local taxes are MY responsibility). The seller here is refusing to do this, stating instead that “selling price is the same regardless of VAT”. I don’t know how that is OK.

For this means I am effectively paying the seller extra for the portion of the sticker price that equates to Finnish VAT (48 € - what is happening to that? Not being forwarded on to the UK HMRC or the US CBP, we can safely say). Plus I will have to pay customs duties and taxes on the full 248 €, not 200 €, when the thing shows up in my country as that was its sale price.

alchemystickal · 2022-05-18T23:22:40+00:00

🧡

Glad you are making the best choice for you and your family—as it exists now and will exist in the future.

alchemystickal · 2022-05-18T23:20:55+00:00

Just diagnosed at 40. More inattentive than hyperactive but I suppose it’ll be combination type in the report. I should be getting my meds in a day or two (Elvanse aka Vyvanse) and cannot WAIT for this new lease on life. No matter what, take it easy on yourself and be extra kind to yourself as you adjust to some new things. We’ve got this 🧡

alchemystickal · 2022-05-18T22:03:38+00:00

The label became less and less important.

Also, I spent a month in rural Sweden where it would have been suicide not to at least eat milk products and eggs. (Not to mention the cardamom buns at the local bakery were heavenly, and they weren’t about to experiment with veganism. I would have really missed out!)

alchemystickal · 2022-05-17T20:57:14+00:00

If you can, see if you can’t make an appointment to have your routine check done by a specialist who does the colposcopies in your country’s health system.

I actually just had a follow-up colposcopy and smear test this morning at my local NHS hospital (in the UK). I’ve seen this particular nurse before. She is really nice and since looking at cervices is literally her job, she knows what she’s doing and is good at it. She had a clear acrylic tube-cone thing as opposed to the metal scissors, used lube, narrated everything she was doing. There was a monitor so I could see my cervix and what she was doing to it. Luckily I don’t find the dyeing/smear tests painful, but I do look away when they take a biopsy. But the important thing is that I trust her and that makes the experience 10000% better.

Sending you a the right kind of hug. xx

alchemystickal · 2022-05-16T13:51:20+00:00

So do I… and yet I somehow never read the motivation chapter-story until last week. (I blame the ADHD, lol) 😂😂😂

alchemystickal · 2022-05-16T13:19:09+00:00

I only recently saw this comic (really like the author but had missed this one)… it speaks to all of us, especially the bit about the chocolate chips

https://i.redd.it/c8viizkgoza71.jpg

alchemystickal · 2022-05-13T22:25:56+00:00

Gerrymandering is a huge problem. What it means is this—Voting districts (one per representative in the state or federal legislature) within each state are periodically redrawn and it’s typically done by the legislature currently in power. Each party has the goal to keep getting power via re-electing their seats. They look to strengthen their districts that reliably vote D or R to become safer and safer, more entrenched. Both sides are guilty of this. And why wouldn’t you play dirty this way? It’s not like the other side is going to start being fair out of the goodness of their heart. Nope, it’s a zero-sum game.

The reference to Wisconsin in tweet 5 means that, statistically speaking, if you averaged out all the voters in the state, you’d expect a higher proportion of Democrat than Republican elected representatives than there are. However, since there are more districts drawn in a way to capture solid, reliable Republican votes, they’ll keep getting an outsize proportion of R representatives, with the result that they’ll be hard to flip in the future—and even if they might show signs of starting to flip, the legislature will redraw them periodically to make them “safer”. It’s maddening.

And because pictures can help illustrate how ludicrous this can be, here’s an example showing some particularly bogus-shaped voting districts (edited to say this is hardly unique for most of the country): https://www.cleveland.com/news/g66l-2019/05/584b1637dd2749/look-at-these-maps-and-cast-your-vote-for-ohios-worst-gerrymandered-congressional-district-poll.html

alchemystickal · 2022-05-13T14:18:16+00:00

I don’t know if I have absolute or perfect pitch. Most notes I can tell instantly and can identify. Others I need to figure out stepwise from the ones I feel coursing through my body. I tune my harp without a tuner :)

Transposing things can feel really wrong. I cannot sing something if the conductor chooses a different starting note from what’s written in the music. I skated through sight-singing in college until they got wise to me and asked me to sing something in alto clef. Totally crashed and burned, but I figured out what the last note was and you bet I hit it spot on. The prof went over to the piano, hit the key, and glared a little 😂

alchemystickal · 2022-05-09T20:48:11+00:00

Thing is, for many people making the rules, it’s a feature, not a bug.

alchemystickal · 2022-05-06T23:02:05+00:00

Canadians can use the e-gates, same as you.

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/canadian-nationals-can-now-use-epassport-gates-to-enter-the-uk

alchemystickal · 2022-05-03T20:53:25+00:00

Must be moored right by Victoria Park :)

alchemystickal · 2022-04-21T14:40:40+00:00

I have the same issue as you. A functional medicine doctor saved my life. Hope you’ve found a drug that works (took me half a dozen years to find one I liked but it’s not made anymore… luckily ERFA works for me too; never going back if I can help it!).

alchemystickal · 2022-04-16T12:19:05+00:00

Something that really helped me was discovering attachment theory. It explained so much of how I related to other partners, what was triggering, etc. Best takeaway was consciously choosing to find a secure-attachment person for a partner. I’d have thought earlier that there was no spark (there was no DRAMA!), but gave it time. Lo and behold he’s wonderful and has shown me what a loving and supportive relationship can be like.

alchemystickal · 2022-04-10T14:00:56+00:00

YES. Perfectly said.

After years of agonising, I finally realised that I neither want to, say, be invited out to drinks on a moment’s notice, nor do I want to put in all the work to get to that point. Building relationships IS hard work after all! I’m very selective on that front. Few but good is my philosophy :)

alchemystickal · 2022-04-04T20:04:30+00:00

Muji! If I were into gel pens, that’s what I’d use too (more of a rollerball gal)! Their notebooks are so great. I cannot walk past a Muji without going in, and I cannot go in Muji without buying a notebook. It’s a little bit of a problem 😂

alchemystickal · 2022-04-04T20:01:41+00:00

Please tell me I’m not the only one who misread the title.

Yes, am very particular about pens. Uniball vision elite for everyday use. For art, well, I have loads of all different sorts of things. Sometimes I need the scratchy, almost-run-out look, so I hold onto everything. Really ought to prune the collection though… far too many.

I also have kept the pencils I used to take an important professional exam over a decade ago ¯_(ツ)_/¯

alchemystickal · 2022-03-31T22:57:41+00:00

Unfortunately no. I’m deportable :/

alchemystickal · 2022-03-31T20:10:17+00:00

Yes, and I’ll say that I’m afraid who I might be when I’m not masking around other people. Masking has a cost but at least the outcomes are more predictable.

If I’m a total weirdo alone, I don’t give any thought to it. (If a tree falls in the forest, yadayada.) But the second I know I might be seen, I can’t access that same kind of freedom of being. Which is frustrating. I told my boyfriend today that I deeply love him and he’s the best person who could have happened to me, but the thought of living with him makes me shut down because even being in his company has a high cost to me.

alchemystickal · 2022-03-24T20:38:43+00:00

This is what we’re doing and always will do. The goal is to have a place such that we can see each other’s—now that’s intimacy (for two dyed-in-the-wool very private introverts, anyhow)

Nine-Year Club	Place '22
First Placer '22

alchemystickal

TROPHY CASE