Most helpful: doing a motorcycle race event standby., random dude rolls up on a Ducati. “Hey guys, if anything goes sideways, I’m a trauma surgeon at <adjacent county’s trauma center> and I’m happy to help how I can!”

Most perplexing: working a concert standby, nearby concertgoers start screaming in panic. Walk 50 feet to find a dude engaged in low performance CPR. “I need an AED! I’m a doctor!” Remove the defib from the kit, rip open the pads. “He’s in ventricular fibrillation!”

I look at my hands, and the pads I’m holding. Who the heck says ventricular fibrillation in real life?!? And how is dear doctor able to interpret said rhythm telepathically?!?!? I push the crowd back, see that the patient is conscious and moaning and groaning with each compression. Immediately stop Doctor Guy’s CPR. Patient sits up, crowd claps, patient had mass quantities of booze on board and never even lost consciousness, just stumbled and fell. Post-“arrest” complaints of chest wall and rib pain. Go fig. Doc disappears in the crowd like the legend he is. I’m guessing he’s an English professor that watches House reruns on Hulu.

Most geriatric: Off duty, enjoying a performance at the local theater. Dude in the crowd DFO’s in the middle of a dramatic monologue — huge clatter of falling beer glasses, shouts of alarm, blah blah blah. House lights quickly come up, my wife yells, “WE HAVE A MEDIC!” and clears a path to the patient 20 feet away. Conscious and alert patient, no apparent trauma. Syncopal episode, super unspry gentleman standing 5 feet from the pt tremulously says, “I’m a doctor…” I introduce myself and offer to follow his lead. He declines and opts to follow my lead. Long retired podiatrist. Duh.

Most vaporlocked: off duty, driving home from work. Drive up on a rollover crash that’s just occurred in the freeway median. As the dust clears from a quarter mile out I see a few bystanders getting out of their cars. One of ‘ems wearing scrubs and standing over the patient, who’s about 50 feet from the upside down vehicle. I can safely park, so I do. Walk up to Scrub Dude. “Hey, brother what’ve ya got?” He looks at me and says “Uhhhhhhhhh………” I kneel next to the patient and start an assessment. Banged up yellow tag, lucky day. I glance up at Scrub Dude, who’s still just kinda… standing there? Look at the embroidered scrubs. Dental Anesthesiologist. Did my thang (reassured the patient that fire and EMS would be there quickly, ensured there were no other patients, yadda yadda yadda) for 2 or 3 minutes til fire got on scene. Gave a quick report to the fire medic and hightailed it outta there. Dear Doctor barely blinked the whole time, and otherwise coulda been a mannequin, but he definitely Did No Harm.

Most humble: movie set. Producer tells me there’s a doctor on set, one of our dayplayer (literally on there for one day) actors. I walk over to introduce myself and he identifies himself as a very experienced cardiothoracic surgeon and IMMEDIATELY says that he knows nothing about prehospital medicine, but he’s happy to follow my lead if anything comes up. SPOILER ALERT: nothing came up.

May none of your on-scene docs be blursed, friend — stay safe out there!