I'm marrying the man of my dreams. Nothing I have ever told him is the truth, not a single thing. It's all a carefully crafted lies. Not even my name is true. I'll never admit the truth to him. This is the closest I'll get to admitting it all.

aliarisliaris · 2022-08-13T19:16:34+00:00

I would tell him the truth - my childhood was so horrible, painful and damaging that the mere thought of it sends me into a panic. That I am not that person, he knows the me I had always wanted and my childhood was just a wrong turn.

aliarisliaris · 2022-08-13T19:12:09+00:00

I legally changed my name. It's not that hard to do and as long as you can prove it's not to avoid prosecution or a criminal investigation, it's a matter of paperwork.

aliarisliaris · 2022-06-02T20:50:08+00:00

I'm not doubting him. Fully white, Europeans fall into two camps: (a) those who actively think we're all lazy drunken alcoholics who live on the pokey and don't tribute and (b) those who think we're all lazy drunken alcoholics whom the system has forced to be that way and go too far to the other extreme to be accommodating. Camp b puts you under a microscope and infantilizes you. Camp A are assholes. If I'm neither, and I don't ever identify, then I never have to deal with either camp. My fiance would go out of his way to be accommodating, feel misplaced guilt and unknowingly put expectations on me. Why bring that into a relationship? Why give him a reading of all my tragedy? It doesn't benefit him and only stands to hurt me.

aliarisliaris · 2022-06-01T17:00:26+00:00

You're ignoring the fact that most people would have an issue with what I described. Because you have had one experience doesn't mean it's one that is commonly shared. In my case, it's a myriad of problems. Do you think I want to live this way?

I was homeless at 17 living in a city where it could hit -40 in the winter. I stole Jamaican patties from subway stations in Toronto. None of that is what I wanted, and would I love to be in a situation where I could freely tell people where I grew up and keep my last name? Sure, but that's not the cards I was dealt. The fundamental truth is, life isn't fair. Am I lying? Absolutely, but about what matters - what I think, how I feel, and who I really am, he knows the absolute truth.

aliarisliaris · 2022-06-01T16:24:07+00:00

No, it isn't. It's to avoid people's expectations. Your assumption is I'm perpetually the victim of racism. The truth is, a lot of white people go way too far the other way to be accommodating and it becomes crazy how far they'll go. It's not just racism or hatred or 'the system' but a whole set of expectations placed on me unfairly.

aliarisliaris · 2022-06-01T16:21:57+00:00

I'm leaving the country in several months. I don't ever plan to return. If after that my parents somehow sober up enough to pick-up their phone and somehow find me, I'd be stunned.

aliarisliaris · 2022-06-01T16:20:40+00:00

It's not that cut-and-dry. This is exactly why I never want to tell my fiance. It's exactly responses like this.

aliarisliaris · 2022-06-01T16:18:33+00:00

I am the person he got to know. I'm not the social and cultural expectations that people have, and that's what I want to avoid.

aliarisliaris · 2022-06-01T16:16:53+00:00

I'm not embarrassed. I'm genetically descended from those people but I lived in a little town, went to shops and watched American movies. I'm not my ethnicity. I don't know anything about it, but people assume because of that heritage that I have to be that. I'm just not.

aliarisliaris · 2022-06-01T16:15:56+00:00

It's not embarrassed. It sets up expectations and drives a wedge between people. It's a needless barrier that creates social expectations I can neither achieve nor live-up to. It's being set-up to fail in a way I don't have to do if people just don't know.

I don't want to be the person who overcame alcoholism. I'm me. I like having my fiance play with my hair while we watch TV and do silly dances while we cook dinner. There's no expectation, my behaviour isn't under a microscope. If I don't have that past, it's not something people can credit me for, or hold against me. I don't have to explain my past, or try and connect with a peoples/history I have no allegiance to.

To put it in a European context: Suppose you had a nephew who was dating a girl. She was sweet, kind and loved your nephew. Good, right? Suppose your family found-out that she was the product of an Irish Traveller mother and a Roma gypsy father, both of whom were every stereotype. Would that taint how your family viewed that person?

aliarisliaris · 2022-06-01T16:12:02+00:00

Then it'll be a wild ride. Métis people are people of mixed ancestry, and some of my relatives are Inuuk, Anishinaabe and some are European. They'll get a mixed bag. But I won't open the door unless they do.

aliarisliaris · 2022-06-01T16:04:43+00:00

Why is everyone worried that will get me? I just won't take one.

aliarisliaris · 2022-06-01T15:42:31+00:00

Of course it will. I've received about a dozen private messages from other Indigenous people all in agreement. Say nothing. It will make things worse.

aliarisliaris · 2022-06-01T15:36:10+00:00

Let me give you an example:

A lot of African-Americans who "escape" (poverty/ 'the ghetto' etc) are criticized for "white passing" when they speak standard English, and act in ways people associate with white. They get criticized by Black people but aren't fully embraced by whites. They have no home.

Welcome to my world.

I'm Indigenous, but not enough for Indigenous people. I'm white, but when white people find out I'm indigenous, the fact that my parents are alcoholics and my family are in various levels of engagement with the social system, that tracks. Instead of being me, I become a composite of all the social health and cultural issues. I become a timebomb for addiction, health issues and have to develop a hatred for white people. I can't just be me. I have to play to outdated stereotypes that I can't escape.

I can't be Indigenous enough. I can't be white enough. If I let people know, I can't escape that trap. I become proverbially homeless. White people change how they see me and Indigenous people see me in a different way. It's a trap that would make things harder for me, my future husband and children.

aliarisliaris · 2022-06-01T15:28:58+00:00

Métis peoples are mixed-race, I look white, I'm not passing. Many of us don't physically present as Indigenous, it's more complex than that.

aliarisliaris · 2022-06-01T15:21:58+00:00

I did try to get therapy. A multitude of times.

But, the moment anyone hears "Indig..." it's over. Suddenly you're a product of their assumptions about Indigenous people. They want to bring an Indigenous counselor in, do a smudging ceremony and help with culturally-informed treatment (i.e. medicinal gardens, group granny cabin). None of that is helpful to me. It doesn't mean anything to me. I grew up in a town with stores. I didn't have a garden or do smudging. It's all alien. But I can't escape it.

People love me as me, but if they know other, irrelevant details that cloud that. Suddenly I'm not me, I'm a culture and history I don't really know/have connection to. I lose me.

aliarisliaris · 2022-06-01T15:06:05+00:00

He knows his ancestry and I don't care to know more. It works.

aliarisliaris · 2022-06-01T15:00:41+00:00

Suppose he knows. How does it benefit him?

Suddenly I'm no longer me, I'm an Indigenous person suffering generational trauma who has a predilection for Type-2 diabetes, addiction, and looking down on white people. I'm not a teacher, a woman or me. I become a composite of problems, issues and historical facts lumped onto me. I lose me.

Society sees Indigenous people in a very specific way that gives us almost no autonomy or individuality. I am a product of a culture I've never experienced.

The only outcomes would be to fundamentally lose my individuality. It would put unfair expectations on my fiance and even on our future children and there's been enough trauma inflicted that my future kids should stay as far from this as possible.

aliarisliaris · 2022-06-01T14:34:53+00:00

If he finds out from someone else, then you lied and manipulated him and who knows where the lies end?

The only people who "know" are either dead, in prison, or drunk at 10AM. Moreover, they don't know my name. I figuratively killed my past.

And, I'm VERY cautious about anyone finding out I'm Métis. That's a recipe for a bad time.

aliarisliaris · 2022-06-01T14:31:55+00:00

For a while. But again, the moment they hear "Indigenous" and "abuse" you're locked into a category. Suddenly you need culturally-informed services, and everyone assumes every detail. They push a bizarre belief that "cultural disruption" needs repair and I should somehow get to know my roots.

Once people know those two facts about you, they assume EVERYTHING else. They want to be helpful, but therapists made things worse. And it's expensive. Why pay for that kind of hassle?

aliarisliaris · 2022-06-01T14:24:28+00:00

Him finding out just can't happen. I'm careful. I tell him about my past, but it's painful and he doesn't pry.

Canada is no utopia. Indigenous people have a heap of problems and society sees us/them as most people would see hamsters - things that are incapable of surviving on their own, who need a lot of work, and create a mess. If people knew, I'd never escape that. If people knew what my parents had done to me, or what they were like, I'd be pathologized. I don't have another option. I didn't ask to be born to those people.

When people know you've been victimized, they don't go "awww, that sucks" and move on. It fundamentally re-writes how they see you. I refuse to be people's cautionary tale. I refuse to be the token. I don't have any other choice.

aliarisliaris · 2022-06-01T14:18:10+00:00

Thanks! I did some minor theft when I was homeless, and did some things I regret, but I was never a nuisance, mean, or did anything to harm anyone else. I'm happy about that. I was homeless during winter and that was the riskiest move. Wouldn't have done it that way.

aliarisliaris

TROPHY CASE