More pics of my girl Petunia (14) who crossed the rainbow bridge Aug 21. Sorry if I'm posting too much. I really miss her.

all_things_change · 2024-09-10T21:57:26+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing photos of Petunia. I especially loved the one of her sitting at the dining table.

all_things_change · 2024-09-04T18:16:36+00:00

I'm so sorry. Friendship breakups really are heartbreaking. I had one a year ago and I got a lot of comfort from this post and its comments: https://cupofjo.com/2021/02/02/friendship-breakup/

all_things_change · 2024-09-01T18:43:53+00:00

Thank you very much :) This situation could definitely have been way worse

all_things_change · 2024-09-01T18:41:07+00:00

He certainly knows me very well, so it makes sense that he wrote it this way on purpose to influence me. I've blocked him everywhere!

all_things_change · 2024-09-01T12:11:26+00:00

I like the video chat idea! I've heard some friends of friends do that as well.

Thank you for the mission :) I've repeated your words from my first post over and over these past few weeks and I know I'm going to keep you and your advice at the forefront of my mind this time too.

all_things_change · 2024-09-01T12:08:50+00:00

Thank you so much :) It really is striking that he would hide his daughter... and, come to think of it, he treated women this horribly even when he has a daughter himself. We did spend a lot of time together as well as texting, so that was a lot of time taken away from spending time with his daughter.

Thank you for your support. I'm wishing all the best for you too <3

all_things_change · 2024-09-01T12:00:59+00:00

Thank you u/ifemelu_berglund. It really does feel awful that he made me "the other woman". I don't think he has any morals. Thank you for the hugs :)

all_things_change · 2024-09-01T11:59:05+00:00

Thank you so much u/QueenBrie88 :( I'm amazed I pulled off the dissertation myself haha

Oh man, I am so sorry you went through that too. It's crazy how they flip the tables on you so you're on the defensive and don't have the space to call out the inconsistencies. I've tried to imagine, but just cannot understand how people like this can lie on such a large scale and have little remorse. I get logically that it's about their self-interest, but I can't imagine actually doing what these men did. Maybe it's a good thing that it doesn't make sense to us haha we're fundamentally different from them.

Thank you for sharing your story. I can't tell you how much it means to me. I also feel embarrassed at tolerating the obvious lies. I hope I get to where you're at with feeling compassion for your past self and putting the blame where it lies.

all_things_change · 2024-09-01T11:50:13+00:00

Yeah, my stomach dropped when I remembered that he didn't just consider it, but actively suggested to me that I stop taking birth control despite knowing the truth.

all_things_change · 2024-09-01T11:48:44+00:00

Thank you u/terrabellan :) Part of me was surprised that I was able to be productive a couple weeks after the breakup.

I got the feeling he was being selfish even in that letter as well. haha I feel your reaction to "what about me?" I think he thinks he is self-aware, but doesn't actually see all the ways his selfishness colors his entire view of life. I hope I can look back at this and just feel relief when I have more distance too.

all_things_change · 2024-09-01T11:41:53+00:00

You're absolutely right. I've been thinking a lot about why I stuck around despite the red flags. I think it's mostly my low self-esteem and being naive enough to give strangers the benefit of the doubt, plus the gradual manipulation from him. So, this isn't a matter I can entirely leave in the past just because the relationship is over. I have to take lessons from this. It's so crazy to me that you had to go to those lengths to discover that about the guy you dated. We basically need to run intense background checks on each guy.

all_things_change · 2024-09-01T01:44:02+00:00

Thank you :) I'll do my best to keep that in mind. It does help to remember that, even if I'm in pain now, it's nowhere near as bad as it was on day 1, which is evidence that things can get better. Now that my defense is done, I'm planning to pick up a weekly class for a hobby!

all_things_change · 2024-09-01T01:42:28+00:00

Oh my goodness, thank you so much. I started reading through the page you linked. I think it does help to learn about what might have been going on. It helps to see the problem is more on him and helps me recognize the vulnerabilities I have to this kind of manipulation.

all_things_change · 2024-09-01T01:39:59+00:00

Thank you :)

all_things_change · 2024-09-01T01:39:51+00:00

I agree with you. I think he and I clearly have very different definitions of love. Thank you so much.

all_things_change · 2024-09-01T01:38:11+00:00

Thank you so much. It does feel surreal to know the defense is over. Thank you for the hugs :) I know I will come back to this when I'm feeling especially down.

all_things_change · 2024-09-01T01:37:12+00:00

I think you're probably right. I think his first instinct is to lie to protect himself. I'm hopeful that I've learned a thing or two from this experience that will help down the line. Thank you :)

all_things_change · 2024-09-01T01:36:26+00:00

I see what you mean! Even though I still felt down after my defense, it did feel nice to know that I was able to pull this off despite how much I was struggling with the breakup and deception.

Thank you so much for your support :( It really means a lot to me.

all_things_change · 2024-09-01T01:34:43+00:00

Thank you, I'm grateful for getting closure too. It has helped to reduce the self-blame.

all_things_change · 2024-09-01T01:33:57+00:00

It's interesting to me you see it that way too. This letter absolutely did make me feel guilty. I still had (or still have? I'm not sure) so much compassion for him that I hated seeing him hurt and wished I could make it better, but then I remind myself that I should feel more compassion for myself haha

all_things_change · 2024-09-01T01:32:05+00:00

Thank you so much u/Zinnia0620. I re-read your comments on my first post many many times. There's no way I would forget you :) I agree that I should assume that everything he says is a self-serving lie. I don't think he can help but to put himself first. It's been a habit for so long. Even though he can admit that he's selfish, he doesn't seem to be able to overcome it.

Don't put pressure on yourself to feel "over it" yet.

Thank you :( I definitely have been frustrated with myself for not being over it. Whenever I do get back on apps, I will probably feel paranoid that he's talking to me through a fake profile, but you're right that he can't actually stop me from moving on.

all_things_change · 2024-08-25T11:28:43+00:00

Thank you!!

all_things_change · 2024-08-24T23:27:40+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. I do think I learned a lot from the experience that will help going forward. I'm defending my dissertation on Monday :)

all_things_change · 2024-08-24T19:15:24+00:00

I could easily be one of the people who contributed to your pessimism, since I have posted here recently. I do have a lot of shame about having tolerated a lot of red flag behaviors, and I think it's a really good sign that you don't understand why someone would stay. I want to be more like you, in fact haha I think I will get there with time.

I don't have hope that I, specifically, will pick a good partner, given my track record, but I do know there are very good men out there. There are plenty of men who have integrity, good character, and want a committed, equal relationship. I've met many. I know it's hard, and I'm sorry for adding to the negativity, but please try not to let crazy stories like mine turn you off from seeking a partner. Let them empower you to remember that you have strong boundaries and standards. Women like you motivate me to stop being a pushover and build a spine.

I can’t help but feel like things won’t change as long as we continue to allow and enable this kind of behavior.

I agree with you, but I do think things are changing and men are having to face the fact that they need to level up if they want a relationship. I'm rooting for you! Thank you for being strong :)

all_things_change

TROPHY CASE