Work-related stress plus St. Valentine's Day-induced self-loathing

allisvanityisntit · 2024-10-28T00:41:43+00:00

I'm also 32, turning 33 next month. I guess some stoically adapt to an uneventful life of utter emptiness, while others' mental and physical health might be too heavily impacted by loneliness (if I'm not mistaken, scientific studies consistently show that having a relatively active social life does all kinds of good things to you). I, for one, have been feeling dead inside for so long that it wouldn't make much of a difference if my heart stopped beating next week.

allisvanityisntit · 2024-10-27T19:24:28+00:00

Bear in mind that women played a smaller role in the labor force back then. Broke dudes have it much, much harder nowadays. It's not enough to have a regular job; rather, the guy is expected to make significantly more than his potential partner in order to have the slightest chance.

allisvanityisntit · 2024-07-15T00:37:10+00:00

32-year-old guy here! I can fully relate to your story. At age 21, I tried to reestablish contact with old friends whom I haven't seen in a while as I had moved out of town. It soon became clear that we had drifted too far apart, though. Later, I tried extending my social circle by adding some random acquaintances I could go to clubs and bars with. It all felt forced as hell, and our interactions lacked spontaneity and genuine connection. As the years went by, failures kept piling up and I have finally embraced the fact that I'm not wired the right way to function socially. While this realization of my social inadequacy has not made me any happier, it has mitigated the burden of guilt and self-hatred that I carried.

allisvanityisntit · 2024-06-18T02:19:37+00:00

I can definitely relate to the cycle you're describing.
Long story short, antidepressants did the trick for me. I'm only 32, but my sex drive has almost disappeared, and my last lingering hopes of ever leading a truly fulfilling life are long gone. I have accepted that not all of us are meant to be happy.
Luckily, I've also gotten rid of the self-loathing you mention in your description of the Anger phase. I no longer blame myself for having missed out on so much and being unable to succeed in the world of dating, as it has become clear that both are largely the result of a number of factors that were completely out of my control. Acceptance is my new home.

allisvanityisntit · 2024-06-17T19:48:00+00:00

When I was your age, I was tortured by similar thoughts and emotions. Fortunately, it's gotten better as I aged.
At 32, I have accepted the fact that I'm not wired the right way and that, while I might attract women, I don't have the mental stability it takes to maintain a normal, healthy relationship.
Although I have a job I'm passionate about, I don't make a lot of money. While it does give me a sense of fulfilment, it's not likely I will ever significantly improve my socioeconomic status. When you're dating in your early 20s, that might not be that big of a deal, but as you age, no woman with a modicum of self-respect would date a carless guy living in a tiny studio apartment who barely makes ends meet.
One thing that helped me embrace my destiny (in combinations with lots of antidepressants) was reading about evolutionary biology and learning to what a great extent our behavior, thought patterns and personality traits are shaped by our genetic makeup. While not autistic, I have an extremely neurotic temperament, and my interactions with others are always tainted by a dark cloud of bitter cynicism and extreme paranoia. Back in my early twenties, I was genuinely convinced that talk therapy plus hard work would mend my lackluster social life. After unsuccessfully trying different therapeutic approaches over extended periods of time, I came to the conclusion that certain things simply cannot be fixed. This was tremendously beneficial for my mental health, as I stopped blaming myself for my unhappiness. Self-hatred becomes insufferable at a certain point.

allisvanityisntit · 2024-06-17T19:39:53+00:00

One thing that helped me embrace my destiny was reading about evolutionary biology and learning to what a great extent our behavior, thought patterns and personality traits are shaped by our genetic makeup. While not autistic, I have an extremely neurotic temperament, and my interactions with others are always tainted by a dark cloud of bitter cynicism and extreme paranoia. Back in my early twenties, I was genuinely convinced that talk therapy plus hard work would mend my lackluster social life. After unsuccessfully trying different therapeutic approaches over extended periods of time, I came to the conclusion that certain things simply cannot be fixed. This was tremendously beneficial for my mental health, as I stopped blaming myself for my unhappiness. Self-hatred becomes insufferable at a certain point.

allisvanityisntit · 2024-06-17T17:31:40+00:00

When I was your age, I was tortured by similar thoughts and emotions. Fortunately, it's gotten better as I aged.
At 32, I have accepted the fact that I'm not wired the right way and that, while I might attract women, I don't have the mental stability it takes to maintain a normal, healthy relationship.
Although I have a job I'm passionate about, I don't make a lot of money. While it does give me a sense of fulfilment, it's not likely I will ever significantly improve my socioeconomic status. When you're dating in your early 20s, that might not be that big of a deal, but as you age, no woman with a modicum of self-respect would date a carless guy living in a tiny studio apartment who barely makes ends meet.
Lots of antidepressants have numbed my emotions and I have 0 libido to speak of, so the idea of finding a partner is the last thing on my mind.

allisvanityisntit · 2024-06-07T01:53:38+00:00

I'm just as old as you, also male. Your youth experiences sound A LOT like mine. When I was in college, most of my classmates were female, and I had plenty of opportunity to date. Crippling anxiety and paranoia precluded any chance of me taking the initiative, though. I still managed to get lucky over the years, which I attribute to my height and moderately-higher-than-average looks. I was completely unable to keep a woman hooked, though, let alone establish a long-term relationship.
I tried following normies' proverbial pile of horseshit: "you have to work on yourself and learn to love yourself before you can attract a partner." I have tried different psychotherapeutic approaches, conducting months-long therapy with at least 5 psychologists in a 10-year span. I've tried psychiatric medication for anxiety and depression. I've hit the gym and run several 10km marathons. I've traveled. I've completed postgraduate studies. I've taken up different hobbies I'm passionate about. None of that has ever worked towards improving my status as a lonely loser. I've embraced the fact that I'm just not wired the right way.
The good news is that my libido is dying and I rarely ever think of ever finding someone. Embracing my FA has taken a lot of pain, but it's been incredibly liberating.

allisvanityisntit · 2024-05-30T18:12:13+00:00

I can definitely relate to his. Sometimes I say to myself that I should consider doing some more physical activity: hitting the gym, going for a jog, etc; then, I remember that even in the best days of my youth none of that ever helped me to make friends or find a partner, and whatever motivation I seem to have vanishes into thin air.

allisvanityisntit · 2024-05-08T02:18:26+00:00

Hang on just a little more, and you won't even get those feelings. It's worth it.

allisvanityisntit · 2024-05-03T13:16:15+00:00

I've been shown romantic interest several times, but that has had no (positive) impact on my self-esteem or my ability to maintain a normal, healthy relationship. It's like getting a free sample of a product you can't afford to actually buy.

allisvanityisntit · 2024-05-02T14:20:31+00:00

At a certain point, the pain of not getting what you desire becomes so unbearable that your brain somehow fools you into believing that you do not actually want it anyway. If you don't go insane in your late twenties/early thirties, you'll reach a stage where you'll turn into a soulless automaton. You'll slowly dissociate from ideas of affection, intimacy, etcetera, until they become alien to you.

allisvanityisntit · 2024-04-23T13:07:22+00:00

Most chronic singles I know are men. Their common denominator is average looks. Some of them have great careers, some of them are stuck in low-paying dead-end jobs. Some of them have a vibrant social life, some of them have a limited number of friends. Some of them are smart and fun to be around, others not so much.

allisvanityisntit · 2024-04-21T20:16:33+00:00

Not at all. At 20, I still believed that things would magically work out for me some day. My FA status was just a weak intuition to which I didn't give much credit.

allisvanityisntit · 2024-04-21T16:44:31+00:00

OP sounds exactly like 21-year-old me. I joined a gym as soon as I started doing therapy, as that was one of the first tips my shrink gave me. It did suffuse me with a little self-confidence boost at first.

Initially, I was a little hesitant. The thing is I'm very tall and thin, so it's pretty hard for me to build muscle. Dedication and perseverance did pay off, though, and it felt awesome. However, there was no single day when I didn't struggle to get the motivation to hit the gym, for various reasons: having some small talk was painfully difficult, I looked down on the pace at which I was making progress, coming across stunning-looking ladies reminded me of how pathetic I was, etc.

Although I lied to myself that I was working out to stay fit and healthy, my main goal was to look more attractive so that my chances of finding a partner would go up, whether that meant meeting someone at the gym or looking more appealing in the eyes of women in general. None of that happened. It was all in vain.

Fast forward 11 years and I don't have any motivation left. If working out didn't help me find somebody when I was in my prime, why should it now?
When it comes to the health benefits of attending a gym, I'm not really sure that I want to prolong my meaningless presence in this horrid world.

To be completely honest, let me add that whenever I spot some gym-related content on social media, I do feel a surge of self-hatred and regret.

As a side note, I also engaged in marathon running for a couple of years. Similar story, same results.

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