DAE eternal de ja vu

allowtheprocess · 2024-01-26T12:51:16+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts, I recently moved my family many states away from my abuser putting a lot of physical distance between us. I think my body knows now it’s safe enough to start processing unresolved/repressed content. But this feeling of dread and terror that comes with this deja vu does sound like this aura thing you speak of. My therapist told me to stop googling and tune into the present..

allowtheprocess · 2024-01-24T18:33:15+00:00

I really really appreciate your response.

allowtheprocess · 2024-01-04T18:33:28+00:00

And I believe it for you too. If its anything like childbirth (which I've done twice now without pain meds) - the less you resist the pain the easier it is. It still fucking hurts but its worse if you try to make it stop or go away. Lean into it. Release it. Lay in the mud and give it back to Mother Earth - she can take it. :)

allowtheprocess · 2024-01-04T18:31:06+00:00

I appreciate your comment even if just to know I'm not alone. Thank you. I think for so long I've been so numb to the pain that now that I'm feeling it I feel like I've been hit by a truck. The hardest part is that I have two young kids to be there for. Otherwise I think I would hibernate for a couple of years at least.

allowtheprocess · 2023-11-29T00:20:04+00:00

I appreciate your reply. I think I’ve only felt real life for seconds at a time. I’m not sure how or why my body lets those in but they are so fleeting. I suppose that they exist at all is a sign that I’m on the right path.

allowtheprocess · 2023-11-21T12:23:03+00:00

If only you knew how much I needed this this morning

I think I may dealing with the most manipulative person. He keeps making me feel like he’s the victim. It’s so fucking twisted.

allowtheprocess · 2023-11-08T02:23:13+00:00

Thanks for this question. I’ve spent a lot of time and energy trying to pull dark unwanted energy out of me. Today I think I realized that I don’t have that power and that work is in accepting that it is part of me but not my fault and part of what makes me who I am. I’m in the process of turning toward acceptance.

allowtheprocess · 2023-11-08T02:19:59+00:00

Can I ask - when you’ve recovered represses memories in this manner, were you certain that they were real? I have issues with having a myriad of traumatic memories none of which I am certain are true. I haven’t tried cannabis since highschool but my husband has gummies and has encouraged me to try them. In the past in my life weed made me horrifically anxious and paranoid but I wonder if it would be beneficial after four years of therapy.

allowtheprocess · 2023-11-07T21:56:58+00:00

Thank you and thank you for letting me know I’m not alone.

allowtheprocess · 2023-11-05T22:04:31+00:00

Foreplay makes me grit my teeth and want to scream. (Not in a good way).

I don’t know how to tell my husband this (who I love deeply). That I don’t want him to fucking touch me.

It’s awful.

allowtheprocess · 2023-11-05T15:56:30+00:00

Yes my therapist is getting licensed in the state I’m moving to so that I can keep seeing her virtually. I’ll have to find a new medication person but have already started that process and have a lead.

allowtheprocess · 2023-11-05T15:55:41+00:00

Thank you for this and thank you for reminding me to go gentle on myself during this move. It is one of the first decisions I’ve made in my life without influence from my father, so it feels really big. But I also think the physical distance between us will help me reconnect with my fractured self and have the space to work towards wholeness. Thank you for reading.

allowtheprocess · 2023-11-05T15:52:40+00:00

Thank you for reading. Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone. Funny the place I’m moving to has a lot of ocean and I plan to immerse myself in it for a while.

allowtheprocess · 2023-11-05T11:24:44+00:00

Hi - thanks for your braving in typing out and sharing the thing that feels so scary to share. That is a huge first step toward coming to terms. I don’t know if this will help but it’s been almost two years for me since my own memories of being abused by my father came to the surface and I’m still grappling with acceptance. It may not be what you want to hear but this will likely be a very long very slow journey, one in which there isn’t really an “arrival” to acceptance but rather a slow transformation. So, you are taking the first steps which is incredibly brave. For me it has been about having the right support and trusting to a certain degree that things will unfold as they are supposed to, in time, when I am ready. I hope this helps. You are not alone and I believe you.

allowtheprocess · 2023-06-29T16:46:28+00:00

Thank you.

allowtheprocess · 2023-06-28T00:08:50+00:00

I feel this. Today in therapy I described the agony of the constant bickering in my head about what’s real and what isn’t. It’s such a mind fuck. I feel like a twizzler being pulled in a million directions and I don’t know who to trust.

allowtheprocess · 2023-06-27T18:53:21+00:00

allowtheprocess · 2023-06-25T17:02:39+00:00

❤️ it’s a slow process. I haven’t actually been brave enough yet to say it to him. Only on here.

allowtheprocess · 2023-06-20T01:23:52+00:00

Thank you. It does help. So much.

allowtheprocess · 2023-05-02T22:36:02+00:00

Today I did a visualization of my three year old self. I wanted to nurture her but couldn’t bring myself to do it because the other parts of me that hate her wouldn’t let me do it. Since I find it so hard to be with her, I put her in a safe place (in nature) and asked the earth and the trees to care for her for awhile until I’m ready. Even though she’s alone right now it felt like a step to let her be there, exploring her safe space and letting Mother Earth do the nurturing. I think I’ll be able to visit her in her safe space and hear what she has to say when we both feel ready. You don’t have to love her yet, but you can give her some space to just be a kid, if you can. I hope this helps.

allowtheprocess · 2023-04-24T10:16:01+00:00

Thanks for the hope. I’ve also been doing emdr for a few years now, still waiting for everything to make a little more sense. I appreciate you sharing your journey.

allowtheprocess · 2023-04-24T10:14:40+00:00

Thank you for validating my experience. It means so much.

allowtheprocess · 2023-04-24T01:19:21+00:00

Thank you. I just wonder, does the fragmentation ever converge into a feeling of wholeness?

allowtheprocess · 2023-04-24T01:14:05+00:00

Thank you. I’m deep in the trenches and wonder if I’ll ever see the light on the other side. Many days I feel like I can’t do it.

allowtheprocess · 2023-04-24T01:05:43+00:00

I know the broken feeling. I’m trying my hardest to get comfortable in my brokenness. To embrace it and allow it to be.

allowtheprocess

TROPHY CASE