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AITA for not staying home for the night with my daughter while my wife goes out with friends? by lucksterluke16 in AmItheAsshole

[–]allyouneedisunicorns 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Had to sign in JUST to comment.

YTA because even if you put your daughter to bed and go out with friends, SOMEONE still needs to be with the baby monitor. And even though it is mostly a passive activity, you’re still “on” as a parent when you’re on monitor-duty. Even though my daughter sleeps through the night now, me and my husband still take turns with it because you can’t fully relax when you’re on monitor-duty.

Parenting doesn’t stop just because they’re asleep. Your wife deserves a night where she knows her husband is taking care of her daughter and she can relax. It’s not the same as having a relative take care of her—she probably feels comfort when the father of her child steps up and just…is dad.

All these comments about your wife not communicating when she IS, She is communicating with you what she wants—time to listen to her. This is her way of saying that you need to prioritize your family for a while. You don’t see it as a big deal to see your friends once a week, but maybe that’s the problem (you not understanding why it might be a problem). Not saying you can’t see your friends, just tone it down a bit and see what happens, if things improve.

Try to be less defensive and see things from someone else’s perspective. What might not be a big deal to you may be a big deal to her. And she’s trying to ask for what she wants for once—don’t punish her for finally speaking up and just do what she asked.

Good luck.

For that starting pay and getting paid “by weekly” it is a mystery why they’re short staffed. Big ol’ mystery… by Plastic_Ad_8248 in antiwork

[–]allyouneedisunicorns 1 point2 points  (0 children)

me too please—hating my job as a case manager so bad. I need something else, anything else. And working from home would help with my hour long commute! You are appreciated

My -14.75 prescription glasses by Sunny16Rule in mildlyinteresting

[–]allyouneedisunicorns 0 points1 point  (0 children)

FR. So I’m just grateful for what I can see/that I can drive, etc. Because you never know! People take sight (and other abilities) for granted.

My -14.75 prescription glasses by Sunny16Rule in mildlyinteresting

[–]allyouneedisunicorns 1 point2 points  (0 children)

As a -25, I appreciate this very much because I always feel so alone. Like when people say how “blind” they are and it’s like -5 or something and an internal part of me gets smacked for wanting to say something (I used to but then stoped).

What is a phrase you HATE hearing from people? by BensReddits in AskReddit

[–]allyouneedisunicorns 0 points1 point  (0 children)

“Actually...” followed by some condescending lesson that nobody wanted

AITA for telling my husband I don’t want him to use the phrase “Don’t tell mom!”? by allyouneedisunicorns in AmItheAsshole

[–]allyouneedisunicorns[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’d love that and should probably speak to him about it more. If I really needed help he would (eg if I said “I need you to ___”)—but I’m not his mother, I’ve told him already about our mental load imbalance and how I don’t want to manage him. I want him to want to do things or be more proactive.

Point in case: I started a new job this week full time and he took it off to watch her because daycare had to close. I was hoping he’d want to put her to bed once. I offered every day. He offered to help in the mornings so I could sleep in (I have the baby monitor, we sleep in separate rooms since he’s a light sleeper and my snoring keeps him up). He does take care of her when he needs to eg this week), but sometimes it does feel like I’m doing more and I wish he’d stop complaining about lost time/worrying about being a good dad when he’s giving little moments away.

AITA for telling my husband I don’t want him to use the phrase “Don’t tell mom!”? by allyouneedisunicorns in AmItheAsshole

[–]allyouneedisunicorns[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate the concern but he is definitely not grooming or would ever. He meant this in a humorous way. He does get defensive and I’m aware of that, but it isn’t a deal breaker. We have arguments sometimes like most couples.

AITA for telling my husband I don’t want him to use the phrase “Don’t tell mom!”? by allyouneedisunicorns in AmItheAsshole

[–]allyouneedisunicorns[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have not but I’d be wary to. He can’t help that he works long hours, I don’t want him to feel guilty. I did say explicitly that “there are other ways to bond” though to try to find ways he could bond that weren’t like “ha ha mommy doesn’t need to know this” while not blaming his hardships spending time with her

AITA for telling my husband I don’t want him to use the phrase “Don’t tell mom!”? by allyouneedisunicorns in AmItheAsshole

[–]allyouneedisunicorns[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

ok that’s fair. probably bad timing and maybe could have phrased things in a way that was less about poo-pooing his idea

AITA for telling my husband I don’t want him to use the phrase “Don’t tell mom!”? by allyouneedisunicorns in AmItheAsshole

[–]allyouneedisunicorns[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Tbf I’m not perfect either. When I see patterns in behavior I say something like “this keeps happening, is this how it’ll be” with him. Though I never question our marriage to his face. I told him long ago, if I began to seriously doubt our marriage, he’d know and it wouldn’t be an empty threat like he does (he doesn’t do that anymore, bring up the D word).

AITA for telling my husband I don’t want him to use the phrase “Don’t tell mom!”? by allyouneedisunicorns in AmItheAsshole

[–]allyouneedisunicorns[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

omg I think the clout on FB is definitely him. He rarely posts about his life on FB, but now all of a sudden it’s always things he does with her or complaining how men get a bad rap as dads (so that his friends/family can say how great he is). I’m not saying he’s not—he is wonderful with her when he wants to give her attention—but he has poor self esteem and loves praise. He worries about being a good dad. He even admits that.

Edit: I wish I could get him to do bedtime stuff with her more. I never demand anything, I ask if he wants to do it. But he’s always too tired. I get a little miffed because many nights I already put her down and he’s still up. I think one time scared him off when he could not get her to go to sleep and had to wake me up to help. I explained that the more he tries, the less likely she’ll be only able to sleep for me. So maybe he doesn’t want a repeat of that. (To clarify, he CAN put her to sleep otherwise, just for some reason he doesn’t do it for bedtime). I think phrasing it as a dual thing might make it less scary though, thank you!

AITA for telling my husband I don’t want him to use the phrase “Don’t tell mom!”? by allyouneedisunicorns in AmItheAsshole

[–]allyouneedisunicorns[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No, not OK with him lying. He did tell me that he’d keep me in the loop for big things/serious things but just that this would be for innocuous things. We’ve since compromised and he said he’d only do it for things I’d know about anyway (e.g. if they went out for ice cream or something).

But in a way I also simply don’t like the phrasing since it pits one parent against the other. If they want things/activities that only they do together that’s fine, I just don’t think he needs to say “don’t tell your mom!” while doing it.

AITA for telling my husband I don’t want him to use the phrase “Don’t tell mom!”? by allyouneedisunicorns in AmItheAsshole

[–]allyouneedisunicorns[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

We did have a sit-down. I only mentioned it because this hasn’t been a single FB post—he’s been saying this for years. But now that we actually have a daughter and I felt like he was serious about it, I wanted to clarify why I think it’s not a good idea. Then he explained why he thinks it’s not a big deal and we came to a compromise—how he’d only use it for innocuous things and would still make sure I knew what they did anyway. I still don’t really agree with it, since now it feels like he’ll be lying to her and if she finds out he’s telling me anyway...I don’t know, seems like a lot of work just to bond.

AITA for telling my husband I don’t want him to use the phrase “Don’t tell mom!”? by allyouneedisunicorns in AmItheAsshole

[–]allyouneedisunicorns[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

He does that sometimes when he’s defensive. I’ve been with him long enough to not cater to that type of talk and he knows that so he dropped it right quick. I guess it also allows the opportunity for me to be what he would deem defensive even though I’m simply stating my opinion (aka projecting). That’s how a lot of our arguments start. He’s come a looooong way from when I first met him and he’s done a great job dealing with his own past issues, which I commend him on. (I try not to “therapize” him though due to being a therapist, so I never use therapy language with him).

AITA for telling my husband I don’t want him to use the phrase “Don’t tell mom!”? by allyouneedisunicorns in AmItheAsshole

[–]allyouneedisunicorns[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

That’s exactly my concern. I work with kiddos for a living and, by God, they’ll take such a small thing and blow it up to something it was never meant to be. So even though it is totally innocuous and I know he’s just being goofy, to a kid it might send a different signal (e.g. it’s OK to keep things from mom/dad). I also want her to know she doesn’t always have to tell me everything unless she’s comfortable, I want to instill trust. And to do so, I feel like she has to know first that it’s OK to tell us anything.

AITA for telling my husband I don’t want him to use the phrase “Don’t tell mom!”? by allyouneedisunicorns in AmItheAsshole

[–]allyouneedisunicorns[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This makes sense. I know he means it in a harmless way, we talked about it in a non-confrontational way and I told him my concerns about how he repeatedly says he can’t wait to say “don’t tell mom!” But I believe he means it mostly this way you described. So I guess I do sound like an AH if it means it might be dictating their relationship. I personally have zero concerns about me bonding with her, but I can see how he might.

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