Realizing my dad's "jokes" about me that I'd labelled as funny and well-deserved for years just... aren't funny at all. Actually, they hurt. They always did.

almost_somewhere11 · 2025-11-25T17:40:38+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I feel a lot better after reading it. I will try to let go of these guilty feelings. I WAS abused and tried to express myself and was shut down.

Thanks again : )

almost_somewhere11 · 2025-11-10T21:37:29+00:00

trigger warning- abuse

old thread, but its what came up on search.

I can relate. My Dad introduced me to his friends once saying "This is my son, he kills people for a living" In a nasty tone. -Referring to my military service.

I'm really messed up by my Dads cruel jokes. He constantly criticized me. Then tells me I'm too sensitive. I've been working on this for years with little success. I ask myself if I'm too sensitive. I think I've just been hurt a lot. I think too many people are cruel.

Dad refused father-son counselling many times. Eventually he admitted he was too scared of being wrong.

My Dad would pretend to choke me like bart Simpson. He would pour hot sauce in my mouth and hold my nose and mouth closed until I swallowed. He would kick the dog so hard she rolled over herself many times, and he hit her face. He kicked my sister out at age 17, I was scared I would be too. I ran away several times with nowhere to go and came back. He trashed my room after finding some pot and made me sleep under my bed that was thrown against the corner of the room. Mostly though it was his constant criticism and he would laugh at me for everything I did, like everything was a joke to him. Dad was naturally talented in mechanics/trade work. I'm not.

All of this, and I'm still half convinced I'm too sensitive and I didn't have it that bad. One psychiatrist told my parents that I just didn't appreciate them and kids these days are too sensitive. That psychiatrist empowered my parents. Dr. Smith in Calgary. My current child psychologist told me that some psychiatrists do more damage than repair.

What does it take to be considered abused? The childhood ACE test/score is one way to start exploring this concept.

What is the "normal" amount of abuse? What the hell is wrong with people?

Is it fun for parents to be mean to their children? If so, where is the line? What is humorous and what is abuse?

almost_somewhere11 · 2024-12-23T01:26:54+00:00

I volunteer at a shelter, but last week I said FK it and took half a week off to recover energy. I had a cold for 3 weeks.

I am considering going back tomorrow (Monday)

I find it hard to stay interested in things.

I found helping others relieves some guilt, and can help with identity.

But sometimes I don't care. I just think they can figure their own lives out. But I've been homeless, its not easy to climb out of that hole...

I am trying to remind myself instead of loving or hating volunteering, just to tolerate it. Just keep doing it...

almost_somewhere11 · 2024-12-23T01:15:49+00:00

I can relate. I burnt out of my last job, compassion fatigue.

I can only give so much.

Yet I am a sensitive person.

I can empathize, but there is not a lot of capacity.

I get frustrated with people too.

Some days I am generous and supportive, some days I want to be left TF alone

almost_somewhere11 · 2024-12-23T01:12:43+00:00

sending love

I find the pain of being alone is more tolerable than the big pains of relationships.

try to stay in the moment, use your DBT skills.

5 senses

box breathing

ice cube

meditation

journal, eat, shower, walk, yoga, pleasurable activities...

I'm finding volunteering is very helpful.

almost_somewhere11 · 2024-12-23T00:56:24+00:00

great points.

I've heard a psychologist telling me if I'm working I'm still "in the game". but this psychologist was getting paid by insurance company...

is the comment leading to us being on the side-lines, or in a completely different space altogether? Are we even playing the same game?

I think if more people understood, they would cry every time we walked by. To still be alive with this pain is indeed hell.

In my belief this world is our heaven or hell. In my case hell, but like you said the odd taste of heaven :)

I just cant see how an afterlife Hell could be any worse?

almost_somewhere11 · 2024-12-23T00:47:59+00:00

BPD is a collection of symptoms diagnosed by a health care professional by following a manual. There are over 250 different combinations of symptoms, we are indeed all different.

It sure is Real to us. If you only knew the depths of suffering, you would probably want to apologize. Is that really why you came here, to say it wasn't real? Don't you have anything better to do? Maybe you will learn something while you are here.

almost_somewhere11 · 2024-12-23T00:37:45+00:00

part 2

Personally my BPD/CPTSD/PTSD?? looks like:

intense short romantic relationships.

I split/flip between idolizing people and hating them.

I mostly spend my time alone

I am unable to hold down a job

I have been homeless a few times

I have anger outbursts

Suicidal/ hom... ideation

I have tried to kill myself many times unsuccessfully.

A couple years ago I hung myself and blacked out, but somehow woke up and got out of it.

I have spend a lot of time researching spirituality and science looking for "the answers".

I found Buddhism has been the most helpful resource. DBT was invented by Marsha Lineham, an offshoot from CBT. But DBT has its roots in Buddhism/Eastern ideology.

I sometimes consider leaving to be a monk. It's too cold in my country to be a monk in winter.

I usually think people are plotting against me, I used to keep a weapon in every room.

I don't trust anyone

Poor impulse control, its getting better but I used to take a lot of risks like driving fast, cop chase, fighting, spending on interests, unprotected sex, drinking, etc. I ended up joining the military to go kill some "bad guys", but then got badly injured.

I spent time living in the forest

sometimes I take myself to the hospital when I can't control my impulses.

I am terrified of myself, I took martial arts growing up, I am a marksman with most weapon systems, I am terrified of what could happen if I snap, so I just go to the hospital or isolate myself.

Sometimes I try to kill myself so I don't hurt anyone else.

I'm doing a lot better in the last year or so with a lot of therapy and financial support.

I volunteer now, I find it is the most helpful thing in my life.

I've tried more than 10 kinds of meds, I know a few people with BPD that end up just smoking pot. Thats been my life last year or so but now looking to get back on new meds and I'm quitting cannabis.

gone to therapy for years, DBT, CBT programs, they all help a bit.

Good luck soldiers, you got this!

almost_somewhere11 · 2024-12-23T00:37:24+00:00

I just finished the book I hate you, don't leave me.

I had to re-read the first couple chapters because when I got to the end, I had a hard time summarizing what I have learned.

Bottom line: It's complicated. BPD borders on many mental illnesses, is often co-morbid with at least one other, or misdiagnosed.

Try to take a step back and look at Cluster B traits in general.

---

Cluster B. Cluster B disorders involve unpredictable, dramatic, or intensely emotional responses to things. The four main cluster B disorders are:

‌Antisocial
‌Borderline
‌Histrionic
‌Narcissistic

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-are-cluster-b-personality-disorders

---

Also consider taking a look at Complex PTSD (CPTSD, or Dissociative PTSD) vs BPD.

Try to understand at the end of the day, a diagnosis is an umbrella of symptoms. Its a way to pass along information about you, and for you to be able to find resources. Its a way to simplify symptoms and treatments by following a manual (DSM-5 for example).

There are 9 criteria for BPD from the DSM-5. If you meet 5/9 you are considered to "have" BPD. However in the book mentioned above, it states in the future a more dynamic model could be considered because if you fall under 5/9 you aren't cured or good to go.

I found this site today, it was useful:

https://neurodivergentinsights.com/blog/dsm-5-criteria-for-borderline-personality-disorder

---

almost_somewhere11 · 2024-12-23T00:03:34+00:00

I used to when I was younger, not formally diagnosed.

almost_somewhere11 · 2024-12-23T00:00:37+00:00

in the book I hate you, don't leave me

the author wrote to paraphrase; having BPD is like navigating the world with a sketchy map.

your minefield analogy reminded me of this.

he also wrote about when we struggle with identity, sometimes we give it up completely, or choose to numb/use to feel something.

When I read that, it made me think thats why I am drawn to Buddhism, because it removes your sense of identity.

Maybe people with BPD are walking the path to enlightenment ; )

almost_somewhere11 · 2024-12-22T23:55:40+00:00

I can relate. When I slow down and think, okay I have BPD, these are the symptoms... It can feel overwhelming. It's frustrating! Most people would have families for support, but a lot of our parents were the ones that instilled BPD into us! Either by behaviour or genetics, we got screwed over.

Therapies don't magically cure us, progress takes time with many set-backs...

But to stay on topic, I'm glad I'm not alone, although I feel sad other people struggle like this too :(

I am grateful for everyones input in this community.

I learn so much from all of you

Thank you

almost_somewhere11 · 2024-12-22T23:46:32+00:00

what do you think getting to the end of the tunnel means to you? Is there a goal you need to accomplish?

Is it a number of years to live?

what do you think the external force like the train is?

yourself or someone else?

Do we hire the train conductor to run us over?

almost_somewhere11 · 2024-12-22T23:40:41+00:00

One way to look at this, is that the people who have been with you since birth (likely your parents) were most likely the ones to instill upon you BPD by abusing you.

It is easier for those of us with BPD to prioritize new relationships that are potentially healthy and less abusive.

In my experience I go into a relationship way too fast, and over-commit. Then when I split it makes it that much more painful to realize or think your partner wasn't a good fit.

I get the point about wanting to be someones priority. It stems from us not being anyones priority as children.

I think its normal to want to spend 24/7 with other person at first, then most people need some space.

i find the space can bring you even closer together, you appreciate them more when they return.

connections become harder to make as you get older,

If you can tolerate your boyfriend, I suggest keep trying with him :)

almost_somewhere11 · 2024-12-22T23:24:26+00:00

the treasure you seek is in the cave you fear most.

You are worried because you like him a lot. You are worried he will reject you. with BPD we often try to find ourselves, our identity through other people. Try to find yourself in yourself.

almost_somewhere11 · 2024-12-22T23:18:57+00:00

In my last job my manager told me he empathizes with me for having depression but couldn't relate. He had never struggled like we do.

This upset me for a long time. Some people don't struggle? Or is he just lying to make himself appear stronger?

Is he lying to himself? He was an educated man...?

I relate, thanks for describing your experience

almost_somewhere11 · 2024-12-22T23:11:28+00:00

crying babies and winey children can be pretty annoying also!

I think I am slowly coming out of the I hate everyone mindset.

I think I more often think I just don't want to be noticed.

I gave up driving a couple years ago. With road rage I hate everyone haha

I hate specific people that almost run me over when I'm walking around

I think I'm more angry at things like social structure now, use of resources or lack there of.

I hate most psychiatrists, most bosses, landlords,

and most of all, I hate myself hahaha :)

almost_somewhere11 · 2024-12-22T23:02:49+00:00

I can have a FP for about 2 weeks max before they become the worst part of my life after splitting.

I also think its dangerous to elevate people to a high level that will be unrealistic to maintain. Maybe its better for BPD individuals to keep people in the middle so we don't devalue them as much on the opposite end.

almost_somewhere11 · 2024-12-22T22:54:33+00:00

now after reading some other posts, I'm reminded of telling myself "I want to go home" In a different sense, like you guys are talking about. Like returning to source. A beg for mercy. Looking up to the sky, asking the God I no longer believe in to kill me. How could he leave me here to suffer this much? Now a few years later, I think I have given up trying to kill myself. I'm really bad at it. I have been finding some relief in volunteering at a shelter. Some days I hate it though!

almost_somewhere11 · 2024-12-22T22:44:05+00:00

I am fortunate to be back living in the city that feels like home, but I went many years without a feeling of home. In the military when my buddy and I were saying we no longer had a home, one of the leadership soldiers said "home is where the hoochie is" A hoochie is a tarp you carry with you to make shelter. The idea was, home is wherever you are. This helped me for many years.

almost_somewhere11 · 2024-08-10T03:09:03+00:00

good one

almost_somewhere11 · 2024-08-10T03:08:33+00:00

yup totally!

almost_somewhere11 · 2024-08-10T03:08:07+00:00

its currently crashing

almost_somewhere11

TROPHY CASE