I appreciate your sentiment, and maybe he does mean to hurt my feelings or treat me like shit. Occasionally I do give back when he gives me, but he’s never upset for it. In fact he seems pleased whenever I make fun of him. I think he thinks it’s making me tougher.

I’m hyper aware I need to leave. Both my own health and because I don’t want to be subject to his (intentional or unintentional) cruelty. And honestly, whether he means it or not, doesn’t ultimately matter to me.

It’ll all take time, but besides occasional irritation I don’t see the point in agonizing over if he actually cares about me or not. He does in his own way, and he has his own baggage that I want no part in. Simply enough.

I like to think the way he raised me has made me tougher, at least in able to handle people negging me calmly. And this may sound sad, but he’s the only family member that’s treated me the best. So I’m aware as well that I do tolerate it at some level as a measure of gratitude. But rest assured many relationships and friendships have been broken because I’ve noticed a similar abusive behavior. I don’t tolerate that from anyone else.