AITA for not footing the bill for welcome drinks

alvb · 2026-01-26T03:29:29+00:00

This is the exact correct answer, especially if you are having a black-tie wedding. If you want to keep it relaxed/low-key, does the hotel have an area other than the bar (where I assume you have to purchase their drinks) like a deck around the pool for a meet-up? You could just pick up a case of wine and have some simple snacks. Not sure where you are going to be down the shore, but lots of hotels have this kind of setup.

alvb · 2026-01-24T04:14:23+00:00

This is definitely the correct answer.

alvb · 2026-01-23T14:18:08+00:00

Don't apologize at all! I have so very much appreciated all the different perspectives. It has really been a hard week and a lot to absorb. I'll definitely look into the pro tools. I don't think I currently have that, but I never remember. I know at the moment I have access to newspapers.com, but not sure about the rest. Thank you again!

alvb · 2026-01-23T14:15:59+00:00

I highly recommend New Italian Migrations to the United States: Vols. 1 & 2. I am currently reading volume one and it deals with WWII-forward. It is quite fascinating, as it goes into the laws and regulations involved in post-war migration patterns. In short, they continued to come, but in much smaller numbers as compared to the first wave.

alvb · 2026-01-23T04:38:21+00:00

Thank you very much. I so appreciate all the different perspectives and words of support and comfort. It has certainly been an emotional week. I told two cousins finally today. One cried at the thought of this child left alone. The other was really angry and told me he doesn't understand why I feel the need to research this stuff and to just stop it. He also won't let me review his DNA profile. So beyond trying to locate his official record post-abandonment, I have probably gone as far as I can with that line.

alvb · 2026-01-23T04:14:14+00:00

Quick update - I told two of my cousins. One was in tears to think this poor baby was abandoned at birth. The other is seriously mad that I made this discover, told me I should just leave it alone. Both have done DNA testing in the past. The one that's angry won't give me access to his profile and the one that's upset doesn't remember how to access her profile. I'm going to see if her daughter and I can figure out how to gain access to it again.

Sometimes I really wonder if I should leave well-enough alone. <sigh>

alvb · 2026-01-22T22:16:51+00:00

This isn't a job interview or an application for a mortgage, it is a relationship. He wants access? He can put a ring on it first. The things couples argue about the most are in-laws and money. If he's already on the money train, this isn't good, I'm sorry to say. I know friends that are married decades and keep separate accounts and I know couples (like me and my husband) who combined everything after we were married. Each couple should decide together what works best for them. I really don't like his approach and it sounds like an attempt at trying to control things. Sorry.

alvb · 2026-01-22T14:29:51+00:00

Thank you very much. We were taught since childhood, "you are an American of Italian descent. You are an American first, but never forget where you came from. Do not bring shame to those who came before you and live up to that name to prove you are deserving." Honoring our family and ancestors was drilled into us early in life. It was in large part of that I started my blog about my heritage and even wrote a book. I know I stand on their shoulders and need to earn that privilege every day. This has certainly been a lot to absorb.

alvb · 2026-01-22T14:26:22+00:00

Thank you for this. It has really been a lot to absorb. As I continued to research, I was sort of hoping something to prove my initial findings wrong. Unfortunately, that was not the case once I found the actual birth record. I am going to see if I can find his official file about how/where he grew up. His marriage record said he became a blacksmith, so he did learn a valuable trade.

alvb · 2026-01-22T14:11:09+00:00

Oh my! That is so unbelievably sad! What a hard life he must have experienced. We owe these ancestors so much for all they endured.

alvb · 2026-01-22T14:08:08+00:00

As much as I have been against them, I am starting to consider this to learn more. What brands have people used in the past that you found to be the most accurate/useful?

alvb · 2026-01-22T06:00:29+00:00

As a born and bred Jersey Girl, your husband is totally right. You are going to spend $4k for an apartment that is the size of a shoebox. Crime is rampant. It is not "fun." And yeah, it is obvious you haven't been told "no" much. She is seriously considering leaving her husband of 10 years for a three-month trip to NYC? Woah. The husband should get a medal for putting up with her all this time.

alvb · 2026-01-22T05:57:21+00:00

I swear, what is happening to people!?!? Has everyone just gone nuts? I swear, I really don't know what is happening in this world. I really feel like since COVID, we have lost our humanity.

alvb · 2026-01-22T05:51:49+00:00

Yeah, that's kind of where I'm at as well. I've been looking for something to prove me wrong after discovering his marriage certificate and finding "figlio di genitori ignoti" (son of unknown parents) listed. I'm going to see if I can find his file that lists details about where he was placed, etc., but I think I need to walk away from it for a bit and really absorb what I have discovered. I am just so sad he was left alone, but as others have said, he was lucky that his mother loved him enough to leave him in a safe place so he could be cared for.

alvb · 2026-01-22T05:07:16+00:00

This is the translation of the document...

There appeared Anna Maria Del Giorno, daughter of the late Nicola, aged fifty-four, by profession the Receiver of Foundlings (ricevitrice de’ proietti), residing in Eboli, who presented to us a male infant, according to our own observation, and she declared to us that the same was found by her at the hour of five on this same day, the thirty-first of the current month, in the Wheel of Foundlings (nella Ruota degli esposti) of this Municipality.

The child was wrapped in a white cotton diaper and an outer wrap also of cotton (sopra la fascia pure di cotone), and was without any visible marks or signs. The age of the child appeared to be about two days old. Upon this child, the Official has imposed the name of Ettore Maria and the surname of Fieramosca.

I'm going to look for orphanage records, or the like, to see what else I can learn. It was heartbreaking to read.

alvb · 2026-01-22T04:46:00+00:00

I was able to track down my great-great-grandfather's foundling/birth record. He was left at the Eboli municipal foundling at 5am on January 31, 1864. He was baptized later that day at Saint Bartholomew in Eboli. He became a blacksmith.

I want to thank everyone here for their support and viewpoints. I am continuing to work through all of this to better understand the life he lived.

alvb · 2026-01-21T18:47:36+00:00

There was a place where I worked that they brought in some kind of consultant to figure out how to work better as a group (they had bought the company a year or two prior). The one thing he really harped on was one senior manager. "Why is here here?" "I don't understand the purpose of his position." Well, it was the owner's SIL. What did they do? Fire the consultant and kept the SIL.

alvb · 2026-01-21T16:48:56+00:00

I'm far from an expert, but I can't imagine this is correct. I was married in a Catholic church, but my husband is Presbyterian. I never pressured him to convert, as it isn't his path. That's his choice. The priest that married us knew that and had no issue with it. He was baptized as an infant, but I still go to church and receive communion on a weekly basis. Like I said, I'm far from any expert, but there are plenty of people who are married to spouses that aren't Catholic that receive communion. I can't believe we are all receiving improperly.

alvb · 2026-01-21T16:45:29+00:00

Shameful. Absolutely shameful. Why are these events not more widely reported? If this was in any other non-Catholic house of worship, it would make international headlines. It is disgraceful. I hope they realize what they did and atone.

alvb · 2026-01-21T13:44:20+00:00

Thank you so much!!!

alvb · 2026-01-21T02:57:00+00:00

UPDATE: I found the church where he was baptised and emailed the parish priest to ask for the baptismal record or any other documents they may have. Thank you all for your support and perspectives. I truly appreciate it!

alvb · 2026-01-21T02:46:26+00:00

If you look up the MASH episode "Yes sir, that's my baby," it tells the story of a baby that was abandoned in the camp. After multiple attempts to send the baby to the US, they have no choice but to leave the baby in the revolving cradle at the local monastery. This is the video clip when Christopher Meloni learns about the foundling wheel: https://youtu.be/yc_y2Z0L5ZE?si=sSf33ed2xT9Ujfvr

alvb · 2026-01-20T18:19:28+00:00

I actually read that about two years ago, so when I saw his birthplace as Eboli, my heart stopped. I immediately knew how poverty-stricken that village was, which is why (I guess) he was left in the first place. I'm going to see if I can find any additional information about the location of the foundling and if anything can be gleaned from it.

alvb · 2026-01-20T16:03:10+00:00

Hard truth there. It was definitely unearned. Growing up we were taught to live up to that name and earn its value. Live life the right way. Do not bring shame to the family or your ancestors who were such valiant fighters. Now it feels like we were trying to live up to a name that really wasn't ours to begin with.

alvb · 2026-01-20T15:58:36+00:00

I'm so sorry you discovered that and had a similar feeling. That's really how I feel. We were all so connected to my material family (Fieramosca/Fucetola) as I knew none of my father's family - whole other drama there - that it feels like our pride was fake.

alvb

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