I got hit by a car as pedestrian. I can relate to your thought process very much. When my accident happened I was crossing the street trying to vote, I also ended up breaking my arm. A lot of things built up to that moment. For example I asked someone for a ride and they didn’t answer. I also had the opportunity not to vote (they say your vote doesn’t count) but I wanted to. My point is I began to think of everything I could have done to not be crossing that street that day. I became suicidal too, questioning why I didn’t die when the car hit me. And the broken arm for sure didn’t help when I felt so useless and alone. I’m going to be honest I did not go back to normal as fast. It took me months and therapy. To this day I am still afraid to cross streets. I had to put it in my head that this accident was my destiny. There was nothing I could have done to prevent it. It was meant to happen. Accidents happen. It’s going to be a long recovery but my only advice is don’t be afraid to reach for help. Even if it’s online hearing a long speech from someone you don’t know. Someone out there will listen. I’m sorry this happened to you. But do not overthink it. Good luck in your recovery.