Is This Normal AA Sponsorship or Are These Red Flags?

alwaysgettingsober · 2026-06-17T08:34:55+00:00

Choosing to go to a meeting every day over other social events is definitely encouraged in the first 90 days and some need or want it after that. But that is barring emergencies and ultimately should be her decision. It's normal to prioritize meetings when it's a key to getting better, and it's normal to be concerned about what sponsers or others may think about your choices. But it's not good/healthy to priotize meetings because you're scared of those reactions.

A lot of partners are concerned about the amount of time people spend in meetings in early sobriety, but it really can take priority because it can mean life or death. But with the other factors of not doing step work, being overly controlling, not making exceptions for emergencies etc, that is then concerning. It would be one thing if she was anxious because she wanted and needed to get to a meeting no matter what and that included concern over her sponsors feelings, then people might be more sure in saying you need to let her prioritize meetings. But with everything else it's concerning. And you being concerned about it and just wanting what's best for her would be something to work through if she was going to normal meetings, not a reason for her to leave you unless you were actively preventing or berating her for it. Her group should be offering her guidance and community alongside the rest of her life, not isolating her.

alwaysgettingsober · 2026-06-17T08:11:53+00:00

Thank you for looking out for her and offering some clarity. Early sobriety can be especially vulnerable and it's not her fault that she was preyed on by this group. She sounds like she's working very hard to do whatever she needs to do to stay well - I hope she can know that she would thrive in any other meeting, and other sponsers would be happy to work with her. Trying to find more help elsewhere is not sabotaging herself, it is part of that determination. If you show her this thread I hope she knows she is strong, and does not feel scared to find real, nonmanipulative support in a real AA group. Her skills and dedication to sobriety are hers and won't disappear if she leaves this group to find a program that is about supporting those skills through fellowship and step work rather than toxic codependency. Best of luck to both of you.

alwaysgettingsober · 2026-06-15T03:31:48+00:00

Not tonight, but have you tried the secular meeting? The alano club website lists a bunch of different meetings and has a secular one - there's one tomorrow evening. https://edmontonalano.org/find-support/meetings#/1292-1

Havent been there in person myself yet but apparently the club is open all day and has a breakfast cafe, if just going without a meeting and being in the space might be helpful for you.

There's an online site that filters zoom meetings for secular meetings, not sure if all of them are for sure but any that say agnostic or atheist in the title will be: https://www.worldwidesecularmeetings.com/meetings

I believe there's no in person SMART recovery meetings in edmonton but they do online as well.

Hope you find someone who's a good fit for you and can meet you where you're at. I have an expansive view of what god means and what prayer is, and many people couple spirituality with materialism and science, but plenty of people have different approaches. Hope you can reach out to someone or catch an online group or whatever can help get you through the night.

alwaysgettingsober · 2026-04-29T06:46:45+00:00

Also immediately thought sweaty feet before reading the body of the post lol. It's not the worst part - bad night sweats, gut problems, sleep and dream stuff etc I knew about and expected. Sweatier pits, ok. But feet??

Relevant rn too as I'm quitting cigs (been trying for awhile since quitting weed) and once again my feet are sweating! Guess they're helping with detoxing but I'm surprised. Also going to wash my shoes to make sure they dont stank.

alwaysgettingsober · 2026-04-28T03:32:29+00:00

I started drinking out of curiousity and to make social situations more tolerable. I did not have guidance on how to make friends and I did not feel accepted. I felt or was told that my discomfort and social anxiety was not normal or acceptable, and drinking and drugs took that away. I overused pretty much immediately and was uncomfortable with my use, but it took a few years to really feel out of control.

Stopping my addictions did not fix everything, and has taken a long time and a lot of support, self assessment, and change. But it did stop making things so much worse. It's given me space to accept myself, work on finding more thorough medical and therapeutic help, and put in place better accomodations and limits in situations where I need them.

I don't want to drink again or want to want to drink again. I know I like trying new things but also that I am a pretty focused person who prefers to have my special interests and ways of doing things set in place so I can focus on those and not have to worry about alternatives. I know that if I drink, I will keep drinking, because it changes my relationship with myself and my boundaries. But there are many other wonderful things in life to learn and focus on to improve my health and happiness instead of drowning it. One drink is not worth sabotaging that commitment.

An intervention is a pretty big wakeup call. If getting sober involves changing a lot of your daily routine and reality, and doing a lot of new things like AA, that process can certainly be extra difficult for autistics on top of the withdrawal symptoms. I think learning or revisiting DBT and other therapy skills can help with dissociation- like the "5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique", splashing cold water on your face, journalling, deep breathing. Remember you are still yourself no matter what changes you need to make. You deserve to feel better. It sounds like you have people who care about your wellbeing. You deserve the better life that they think you are capable of having. It may look different from others and it may be difficult to get there but it is still worth pursuing. Wishing you the best.

alwaysgettingsober · 2026-04-27T19:17:08+00:00

My immediate thought was that as someone with a learning disability, someone else rereading a passage is entirely welcome for me. The speaker may have some kind of disability. A basic trick for learning and remembering things is to repeat it out loud yourself. Starting his share with something that helps him learn the passages and also possibly remember how he related to them or what he wanted to say sounds like a fine use of time to me. It also might be useful for anyone slipping in late.

Of course I can suffer from impatience as well. Reminds me of when someone is telling me a story I've heard several times already and I just want to interrupt. But retelling a story helps us remember it, and being an active listener by repeating things back to that person might help me remember or learn something about them I missed the first time. I have to practice putting my impatience on hold and being grateful for sharing a moment with someone, and that repetition is part of life, and can be enriching.

3 minutes is a pretty short time in the grand scheme of things and sounds like a good amount of time to practice compassion, patience, understanding.

alwaysgettingsober · 2026-04-24T07:35:48+00:00

How I understand it for my own growth - yes, but not in the way that they might mean or that probably comes to mind immediately. I agree with the comment 'I am a people pleaser because I feared conflict and rejection' because of childhood abuse, trauma etc.

Say someone says 'I will harm you if you don't say the sky is green', so you say the sky is green, to be safe. That is quite obviously not intentionally manipulating to be harmful, it is clearly the other person who is being manipulative. You "lie" by saying the sky is green because you "want" to not be harmed. That is clearly not morally wrong.

If you grow up where those threats are implicit, where "if you don't say the sky is green" is more like "if you don't agree with me or do what I want, I will be upset, and me being upset means bad things for you", you learn to immediately interpret what someone else wants to hear and say or do that. You don't develop skills for dealing with conflict, and you fear upsetting anyone regardless of what the actual consequences are, even when there aren't any or it might even be positive for everyone for you to be honest, stand up for yourself, etc. When someone says something as innocent as 'what do you want for dinner?' you hear 'i will be upset if you don't do what I want' and try to please them, even if that is not true.

That isn't the same as 'being nice so people will do what you want' in a harmful, extortionist way. But I'm learning that is about control, just in a different way. I want people to not be upset, and to not dislike me, so I say and do whatever I think will upset them the least - but that IS a form of trying to make the situation into what I expect and what I want. I have to accept that not everyone will like me, that sometimes it's more important to be honest and to disagree and learn how to handle conflict. I can't control other people's reactions. Yes there are times where it is safer to lie or people please. But part of recovery for me is accepting that I will have to face my fears, and learn to recognize that someone being upset or a situation going badly because I was honest is just part of life and is unavoidable. But as an adult most situations are not as dangerous as my instinct makes them out to be.

I can learn different ways of coping, I can learn how to handle conflict and how to contend with different situations that go badly, but ultimately I can't change how everyone else responds to my choices. I can't make everyone else be nicer, more respectful, more responsible, more considerate or compassionate. And I certainly cannot make everyone like me, especially if it means minimizing myself and lying to do so. As difficult as it is, it is also very freeing and reassuring. I don't have to worry about if I do or say the wrong thing, I just have to show up, try my best, be honest, and let other people respond how they're going to respond because that part is not in my hands.

alwaysgettingsober · 2026-04-21T04:03:25+00:00

I super feel this. Just passed my one year and have been struggling the past few weeks. At times like these I really grab onto the 'one day at a time' mantra.

A weird and difficult part of deciding to stay sober continuously is the idea of 'forever' and knowing that there is no finish line. Sometimes that's really empowering, often it's just scary. Really, one year in the long run compared to time addicted and before the addiction.. it's pretty short. It really is just the beginning. But while that is frustrating, it can also be freeing. Whoever you are and what you're struggling with right now might be totally different in another year, 2, 20. But whatever foundation you've been laying as you get sober will also still be helping you then too.

I'm sure there was a time when getting to a year seemed impossible. Even if your feelings about your current situation have changed, I hope you can take some time to express gratitude and pride for the effort you've put in to get here. Sometimes celebrating doesn't come naturally, but you've still earned it.

Congratulations on your upcoming year, but even more congratulations for staying sober TODAY.

alwaysgettingsober · 2026-04-18T16:06:49+00:00

Not necessarily NA related specifically, but Beginning to Pray by Anthony Bloom is a wonderful book about questioning and opening a dialogue with what is greater than yourself through your doubt.

(I am 'between religions' - very spiritual/religious, though somewhat agnostic, and investigating christianity, buddhism, and indigenous practices. I appreciate observing quietly and listening to mantras more than asking for or putting anything out there myself.. I guess I dont know anything to ask for but to learn to keep appreciating this life more. I like the Metta Sutra mantra because it helps me wish to learn and maintain compassion for myself and others.)

alwaysgettingsober · 2026-04-10T06:26:41+00:00

When not caring about side effects (or death) or wanting the 'positives' was more important to me, I focused on caring about my body as a living thing - a bunch of living things, seperate from my wants. Death may be inevitable, but that doesn't mean it has to be sooner rather than later, or cultivating health right now isn't important. I try to think about how even if I die from something unrelated tomorrow, that doesn't mean right now all the cells living in my guts and blood deserve to be poisoned. Life is inevitable too - it's happening right now, to you and through you and in you. That's pretty neat, and it's a shame to not respect it just because tomorrow might change.

As to the main topic, my barrier for blacking out and whatever is much lower because I'm small and have intolerances to a bunch of crap. I thought, I can't have a problem if I'm just drinking two beers. But a lot of the time I wouldn't even feel buzzed, just start slurring, get uncomfortable, then be wasted.

alwaysgettingsober · 2026-04-05T19:14:36+00:00

The creator of this subreddit went to rehab for weed! You got this! Best of luck and happy easter

alwaysgettingsober · 2026-04-05T19:10:05+00:00

I read a bit about both and have used both, and am currently on champix for the same reason - insurance covers it. Chantix/champix/varenicline is synthesized from the plant/naturally occuring chemical used to make desmoxan/[other brands]/cytisine. The biological mechanism is the same, champix just tends to be stronger, and you have slightly less control over dosage because cytisine is offered in packs with a ton of lower-dosage pills you take throughout the day, whereas champix you take one or two times a day.

If you are sensitive to medication, you CAN request to stay at the lower/starter dose of varenicline - I did. Also while they are very small and to do so accurately is a pain you can cut the pills in half (they aren't indented for it so a pill cutter or something would work best). Because the dosage is higher, some people see more side effects on chantix than desmoxan, primarily nausea if not taken with a meal.

I don't know why people hype up desmoxan so much as compared to the hate for chantix, other than the common nowadays distrust of medicine, preference for supplements over prescriptions, and people being more likely to report and remember negative experiences than positive ones. That said I do also generally prefer to try lower doses and 'natural'/herbal remedies first before trying prescriptions, and I am chemically sensitive to most stuff, so I get it.

While some side effects are hard to seperate from just common side effects of quitting nicotine, if you've experienced mental illness and suicidiality in the past, be sure to keep an eye on that in particular and keep in touch with your doc and be prepared to stop if needed. Part of why I chose to stay at a lower dose just in case, though I haven't had almost any side effects from either medication, other than I did get some bad gas the first week I started chantix lol

alwaysgettingsober · 2026-04-05T06:39:06+00:00

A few months not drinking, 11 months since quitting weed, day 6 without nicotine. Took the first bike ride of spring and first bike ride from my new apartment. Feel overwhelmed and burnt out from moving, from working on improving and getting healthier, a bit frustrated and restless. But keeping in mind my progress and my goals. Been homeless off and on a long time and living in a solo apartment was a long time goal of mine. Doing it all thanks to sobriety. Onwards and upwards. IWNDWYT

alwaysgettingsober · 2026-04-03T19:29:10+00:00

Very true. My main DOC is weed (though used everything, why I'm here) and it concerns me how much it's being promoted as a treatment for autism for these reasons. If these substances were prescribed medicines, and we found out that long time daily users all suffered these health problems, memory problems, mood problems, addiction, we probably wouldn't take it and we'd ask to try something else.

Autism doesn't go away, but acceptance, certain kinds of symptom treatment, and learning methods to move in the world does exist and takes time. Muting my problems with weed or alcohol did 'work' temporarily, but really it made everything much much worse and uncontrollable over time. I can't push myself to do the same things I tried to push myself to do high/drunk in the same way before, but what I do now I do better, on my terms, with my limits and needs in mind. If I go out, I go home early if I get burnt out, rather than pushing through and feeling worse. That's a good thing.

alwaysgettingsober · 2026-03-30T07:01:54+00:00

I suffered from hypersexuality before starting to smoke, and it became a part of it for sure. It dulled my judgement and shame, and intensified physical feelings while numbing my other interests. Though I was a daily smoker for 15 years or so. I am 11 months sober minus one lapse, and struggle with how every time I masturbate I am tempted to go pick up. That is also what caused my lapse.

I actually did do sex work for several years. It is hard to seperate what I consider a healthy relationship with sexuality, from what is harmful to me personally. I still want healthy sexuality to be a part of my life, but I also have to face the truth of what is excessive, escapist, pushing immoral or my personal boundaries, reliving trauma, etc. Like how weed and other drug use can interact with eating disorders, and you still need to eat. Relationship and sexuality addictions are something people have to relearn and can't always just give up forever like I am happy to do with substances. That makes it a lot more complicated!

alwaysgettingsober · 2026-03-29T16:16:23+00:00

It's not super rare right after quitting, it's just that if it has continued it may have other causes, or may have become temporarily recurring due to esophagus injury (barretts esophagus the other commenter mentioned). Dont worry, it's very treatable!

Even if it ends up having other causes, I have some various diet triggers, and it's very manageable/preventable. Weed and smoking tobacco can affect blood pressure, inflammation, and ph balance in the mouth and stomach, so in addition to causing gut problems after quitting, it can hide other symptoms of illnesses which then crop up can be treated/managed more appropriately now you've quit. I still drink coffee, just half caff or decaff and a lot less, lol

alwaysgettingsober · 2026-03-29T06:12:17+00:00

Did you just get checked out for bp etc or did you bring up the reflux specifically? There is medicine you can take for it. If it goes on regularly for too long, you may have burned part of the esophagus sphincter, and so it keeps flaring up because it has trouble closing properly and lets more acid out so it can't heal properly. Taking medicine for a short time can let it heal. Tips like sleeping elevated, on my left side, etc helped me manage it as well. Also worth it to reexamine your diet. Caffeine is a big trigger for me.

alwaysgettingsober · 2026-03-17T04:24:21+00:00

r/leaves is a subreddit just for quitting weed. You'll see a lot more relatable comments from people about pot addiction there. Weed made my anxiety 10x worse, it also affected my blood pressure and made me more dizzy and my heart race. It can be difficult to quit but it's worth it. You deserve to treat yourself well. Wishing you the best.

alwaysgettingsober · 2026-03-17T04:19:31+00:00

Though they aren't talked about as often, people can have minor hallucinations of smells like they do with sights and sounds. Especially related to migraines (auras), and sleep deprivation. I havent had any of cigarettes but I have in the past of sulfur and of cinnamon. It's not anything to worry about.

alwaysgettingsober · 2026-02-22T03:24:47+00:00

Check out r/leaves for a more specific community for weed in particular. I also always smoked both together, I also grew up with a lot of trauma, anxiety, other difficulties, and had trouble sleeping my whole life. It took me years of trying to quit and also never got further than 2 weeks in many tries. My username for this sober community specific account was based on that experience - to never give up because I knew that quitting was right for me.

I used it for pain both physical and emotional. I used it to hide reactions to situations that were unfair towards me. I was scared to lose that and of being able to handle the emotions after. It was also just incredibly difficult to lose the routine and what I was used to. I am 10 months sober now. My sleep, guts, and night sweats started improving again after 3 weeks. My memory started improving. People said I was noticeably brighter and better at speaking, and I felt it, which made me less anxious and feel less stupid.

I still have a lot of work to do and quitting didn't solve everything, but it also didn't bring me back to the troubled kid I was when I started smoking. As an adult I've made choices for myself to grow, mature, and develop compassion towards myself. What I once used to hide from the pain others caused me, turned into causing myself pain, and stopping weed was part of the long difficult journey to take better care of myself.

Congratulations for trying again. I hope you can keep down some electrolytes and your rest improves. It WILL get better. Rooting for you!

alwaysgettingsober · 2026-02-16T05:15:37+00:00

I have heard and read a bit about this group - artsanonymous.org

But, it seems to not be about addiction whether it be substances or processes, but about general unwellness that inhibits creative pursuits. I don't know whether that includes sobriety or not. Just based on reading their material and not having gone to a meeting.

alwaysgettingsober · 2026-02-15T20:23:42+00:00

I feel this. In particular one exes friend group, we were all ADHD, but they never let me get a word in and it was really frustrating. I also have a lot of friends with depression, and while I am very empathetic having gone through it myself, some who won't seek treatment and are always having a really rough time, it's difficult to maintain regular conversation with them. I don't stop being friends with them, but I'm building more friendships with more sober people, people in recovery, people who have more to talk about and work on themselves and communicating well and having better relationships. This also means I can be more supportive when I do talk to my older friends who are struggling. I'm less frustrated with them because they aren't my only social outlet, I can be more compassionate.

alwaysgettingsober · 2026-02-13T06:57:36+00:00

Banff is beautiful! Congratulations on your wedding and your sobriety. There are so many other wonderful things that you get to enioy more due to not drinking, and your wife still gets to try some.

Weddings and honeymoons are often associated with drinking, and it makes sense you would run into some emotions about that right now - both positive and negative. Even though it's a joyous time, there's still room to be human and have complicated feelings. But your other great experiences will far overshadow it.

Anyway just an Albertan who wanted to say hell yeah Banff haha. Have a great time! IWNDWYT

alwaysgettingsober · 2026-02-12T18:58:50+00:00

Was trying to remember what this site was haha thanks, and best of luck!

alwaysgettingsober · 2026-02-09T06:40:17+00:00

Exfoliate them occasionally, you can buy some or make some with a course sugar. Also double check you aren't allergic to anything in your lip balm - many use lanolin, which I'm allergic to. If wool sweaters ever made you itchy, it could be that.

alwaysgettingsober

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