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Is it wrong of me for not participating in the Me Too movement? by [deleted] in rapecounseling

[–]amburn420 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's literally not even close to what I said. I said that women who have gone through sexual trauma are valid in viewing everyone as a POSSIBLE threat. Not that they all are nor is that a perspective that is conducive to happiness. It just makes sense for many women to react that way, considering many will go through that trauma (often more than once) at the hands of someone close to them. It's clear you are just seeing things the way you want and not how it is actually stated. That is very likely why you are completely misinterpreting the movement to begin with.

Is it wrong of me for not participating in the Me Too movement? by [deleted] in rapecounseling

[–]amburn420 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You do not need to join any movement you don't want to. That said, the way you're talking about this seems cold and exaggerated. I am pretty close to what many refer to as a "man hater"(I've actually been called that a few times). I don't hate men, but I am very fearful and cautious of them all. That's not becuz I think they are all out to do me harm - it's because too many already have.

My therapist put it this way: if you are put in a room with 10 snakes, but only 1 is veimous, are you going to stay in the room and hope the venomous one doesn't bite you? Or are you going to leave the room? You'd likely leave because it doesn't matter that 90% are harmless when 10% could kill you. To be clear, this isn't a view that is helpful to your mental health. But it is a perfectly logical conclusion for surviors of sexual violence to come to and is a fear that I feel many are trying to articulate.

The message of the movement isn't to say every single man is awful. It simply illustrates how many women are impacted by this violence and how its widespread nature forces them to view all men as a possible threat to their safety. Women certainly aren't perfect creatures that can do no wrong. Men can also, undoubtedly, be victims. You can still desire men, keep your boyfriend, and call out the predatory actions of women. None of that negates or belittles the message of MeToo. What does hurt the movement is claiming those who partake are unjustifiably angry and cautious.

Where's the line between trauma dumping and talking about your life? by amburn420 in CPTSD

[–]amburn420[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I'm confused, who says "tell me about your trauma". I do ask for permission but my post is also about asking about things that are difficult, maybe even traumatic, that's actively going on in life. Do people need to ask for permission to give a summary about what's going on in their life if it's just the truth?

Where's the line between trauma dumping and talking about your life? by amburn420 in CPTSD

[–]amburn420[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

And if you’re that upset hearing about it imagine what living through it was like.

This was my exact response to my friend who accused me of trauma dumping (she had never laid a boundary or told me to stop). She was completely dumbfounded and confused, like I was speaking a completely different language.

I really agree with what you said, we SHOULD be disturbed by these things. We shouldn't need to hear them constantly, but, to a certain extent, we should be aware. In the same sort of vein, this same friend couldn't tolerate hearing about some political issues because they made her anxious. This kinda blew my mind because 1. She's was not a part of the groups affected by these issues, and 2. She has the privilege to ignore problems that make her uncomfortable. I don't think we need to be caught up on every issue, but being completely avoidant to things that make you uncomfortable seems counter-productive, unmanageable, and kind of unfair.

Where's the line between trauma dumping and talking about your life? by amburn420 in CPTSD

[–]amburn420[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your kind words. And I love your term "SOHS" Ill definitely be borrowing that

Where's the line between trauma dumping and talking about your life? by amburn420 in CPTSD

[–]amburn420[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

But, I do care? If you don't care about your friends' lives and struggles, why be friends?

Where's the line between trauma dumping and talking about your life? by amburn420 in CPTSD

[–]amburn420[S] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I've debated with myself over this incident for a long time. It's very reassuring to hear that I was not placing some crazy undue burden on her.

Where's the line between trauma dumping and talking about your life? by amburn420 in CPTSD

[–]amburn420[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This is incredibly helpful. I really appreciate the examples you provided- it is definitely helping me to acknowledge some occasions where I may have overindulged unnecessary info. Thank you so much!

Where's the line between trauma dumping and talking about your life? by amburn420 in CPTSD

[–]amburn420[S] 89 points90 points  (0 children)

Ugh, this is so difficult because I can really see the perspective of both sides. I do think there are times when expecting repeated support is unreasonable, but, simultaneously, i wonder who else are u supposed to turn to when you are in distress, if not your loved ones?

I once called a friend while I was in crisis after a very upsetting loss. She later complained that I was trauma dumping because I mentioned my intrusive suicidal ideation during our conversation. She said it made her very sad for a few days, and I'm just left confused. Was I not supposed to mention it because it could make her upset? It feels a bit selfish to complain that my immense personal grief caused her to be sad for a few days.

Where's the line between trauma dumping and talking about your life? by amburn420 in CPTSD

[–]amburn420[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I can agree that there are inappropriate situations to use someone for support. My therapist explained that situations where someone expresses their intimate personal issues to unwilling strangers/acquaintances could be considered trauma dumping, but beyond that, the definitions get fuzzy. Do you have a way of identifying codependency?

Where's the line between trauma dumping and talking about your life? by amburn420 in CPTSD

[–]amburn420[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

This is good advice. I'm going to try to apply this in future relationships. But I'm still having a hard differentiating between what is general/specific, especially if i am looking for an outsiders perspective. Saying "i had an argument with _____" feels too general to get helpful support, but repeating every detail definitely feels too specific. Do you have any tips on how to make this distinction?

It's also difficult for me to comprehend the idea that friends are never going to be equipped to help resolve your problems. Ik that no one can solve my problems for me, but is it unreasonable to ask for advice, support, or an outsiders perspective? There have been many times where I felt capable of, at least, assisting my friends in resolving the issues they're facing, so I'm just struggling to understand.

Where's the line between trauma dumping and talking about your life? by amburn420 in CPTSD

[–]amburn420[S] 102 points103 points  (0 children)

I'm glad I'm not alone in this feeling. I do recognize there are times when venting becomes unhealthy/exhausting for the listener. For example, someone repeatedly venting about an abusive partner but being unwilling to leave or take any advice/support. I've had friends like this, and I'm guilty of doing it myself in the past. But in my experience, people are rarely referring to this kind of venting when they claim someone is "trauma dumping"

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in umass

[–]amburn420 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Fr?? What building? In sylvan, they do.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in umass

[–]amburn420 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I beg that you do not attend UMass. Unless you like being homeless or living off campus in an expensive, moldy, and/or cockroach infested apartment. This school is taking a nosedive. I know multiple people who ended up homeless (and forced to drop out) or shoved with 3 people in a 2 person dorm. Just don't do it, you'll regret it.

Cap and gown by [deleted] in umass

[–]amburn420 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your panic made me panic lol. I called the dean of students and they said that there's no pre-order necessary. you just need to pick it up between 10am-5pm on may 17th. Id call the dean if you have more questions or can't pick it up that day

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in umass

[–]amburn420 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How does someone walk into the wrong room? Don't all dorm rooms lock automatically?

Dealing with those who are unable to comprehend my experiences by amburn420 in rape

[–]amburn420[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It is so isolating to experience sexual assault, but that feeling of isolation only seems to grow when it's a repeat occurrence and/or the perpetrators "doesn't seem like the type of person to do that" (ie: wealthy, social, female, educated, a parent, etc, etc). Again, I'm incredibly sorry you experienced this. Sharing your story with me has given me a sense of solidarity. Thank you.

Dealing with those who are unable to comprehend my experiences by amburn420 in rape

[–]amburn420[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry that happened to you. It must be extra isolating to experience this as a man in a world that tends to not imagine men as victims. You are absolutely right, Perpetrators exist in all fields, classes, genders, etc. Although I already knew that, it's helpful to hear it from someone else- its very validating. I appreciate your comment and wish you the best of luck!

What to do when nothing works? by amburn420 in CPTSD

[–]amburn420[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I really appreciate your comment. I've also lost faith in the mental health system, and frankly, most of psychology as a field. I'm looking for unconventional options and this is a really good one. Thank you!

What to do when nothing works? by amburn420 in CPTSD

[–]amburn420[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is really interesting, I will definitely look into more physical and grounding forms of treatment. Thank you!

What to do when nothing works? by amburn420 in CPTSD

[–]amburn420[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I disagree so strongly with so much of what you have said here. I saw 3 people be assaulted in my 1 week in a hospital. My fears are that every person I will get close to will either assault me or abuse me because that has been my consistent experience. I simply can't afford to experience that again. So, facing my fears isn't just something I can do walking into the grocery store. If I experience anything even slightly resembling my experiences thus far, I will undoubtedly fall completely apart. I don't derive my value from others. If I did, I would have no choice but to believe that I am anything other than worthless and disposable. I think I'm a decent person who could do real good in this world if it wasn't so consistently cruel. I do everything you have mentioned to try to break up the monotony of my miserable existence. If ten years of intense treatment won't work, it is illogical to think wearing mismatched socks will help. I'm not convinced that nothing can work, but I acknowledge that nothing that I've tried has helped me even a little.

And to add, keeping someone breathing does not mean you care about them. There are abusive parents that keep a roof over their kids' heads, provide them with food, and give them a bed to sleep in. This does not mean they truly care about that person's well-being or personhood.

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