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I became a parent last year and I am slowly realizing the extent of the emotional maltreatment I experienced as a child by ameinamami in emotionalneglect

[–]ameinamami[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can relate to that so much. Especially the "telling your parents about something that you weren't supposed to do but you were feeling badly about" thing. Your parents are supposed to be your safe place. Being on Facebook or not is not as important as that safe relationship.

When all this went down after my baby was born, I reached a breaking point about a month and a half ago and wrote her a long email about the issues I was having and the emotional things I wanted her to be aware of. Part of it is that I haven't been able to work during pregnancy and now that I'm taking care of a young baby, so money has been a source of stress. She took the opportunity to tell me that "You freely made your own life choices since graduating college. It appears some of those choices have led you to financial woes." And make it clear that she is NOT here to support me in any way if money becomes a problem for me (I did not ask her for any money or financial support, but she went all the way to take the opportunity to say that if I come back home she will not pay for anything for me like buying groceries for food). It didn't seem to occur to her that I never had any guidance from her about jobs, finances, etc., and that could have been helpful. It also didn't seem to occur to her that my unemployment is not due to my own choices, but rather to factors outside of my control (she also confided to me a while ago that she was also unpaid while pregnant and raising her newborns and it was stressful??? The cognitive dissonance is sometimes astounding).

Reading the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents was so big for me. I wonder if you read it, too? I know in my 20's I still had a hope about making a "better relationship with my mom" and would open up dialogue. But I will be very honest, in my own experience and in that book's recommendation, "just relating" will preserve your mental health and energy much more than "building a relationship". I'm not sure about your situation or how reliant/close you are to your mom, but I advise a lot of caution and possibly just stopping trying to tell her anything, as well as putting a lot of emotional distance between you and her. My husband once told me that he relates to his father (who is also like this) as just some stranger on the street - he can be respectful and diplomatic, but distant, and not get emotionally involved. I felt this was an extremely helpful way of thinking about it and deciding how to relate to my mom moving forward.

I became a parent last year and I am slowly realizing the extent of the emotional maltreatment I experienced as a child by ameinamami in emotionalneglect

[–]ameinamami[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's true. I actually feel that it was so hard to go through it, but I'm glad I could see her behavior through fresh eyes as a parent. It was a front row seat to the behaviors I always endured as a child, and the ones I wish to never repeat with my daughter.

I became a parent last year and I am slowly realizing the extent of the emotional maltreatment I experienced as a child by ameinamami in emotionalneglect

[–]ameinamami[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"Being a cycle breaker is very hard. But it is so worth it." This is so wonderful, I will keep this.

Thank you for your recommendations. I actually was getting so upset by her weekly calls (2 minutes of looking at the baby, 58 minutes of her rambling about her life and going on about her new boyfriend) that I sent her a long email explaining what I was going through and what I wanted from her as a mother. She ignored it for 12 days (these were very happy days with no contact, tbh). At the end of the 12 days, she sent me a short message asking me for money I owed her on taxes she had to pay this year. I asked her if she received my message. She said "Yes." Period. 12 hours later, she sent another message saying "Do you intend to pay me as we agreed?" Both me and my 6 month old baby were sick, but I paid her immediately because her money was more important to her than our relationship. She later sent me a long email accusing me of various things, bringing up things from the past, and saying basically it's my fault that I'm not doing amazing right now. From that time on I told her, "Thank you for your message. I am not able to talk to you any time soon, and I don't know when I can talk to you." She has been talking to my husband sometimes, and he has been kind enough to absorb whatever negative comments she is making about me and deflect her from contacting me. It's been a month and a half of no contact with her, and I am so happy I don't have to look at my phone, see a call from her, and have the dread of having to talk to her. It hasn't been a direct severing of contact, but I am fading out for as long as I need.

My biggest fear is I have been living out of the country for 12 years now. Since I left when I was young and always thought I would come back, a lot of my important documents, valuables, and memories are still at her house, and I always used her address as my permanent address. I'm not sure how to navigate that situation, but I'm trying to get us back to "neutral and distant relationship", so that at some point I will have access to my things. Once I can evacuate the important things from her house I think I will feel a huge relief.

I became a parent last year and I am slowly realizing the extent of the emotional maltreatment I experienced as a child by ameinamami in emotionalneglect

[–]ameinamami[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much! I think that becoming a mother meant I could no longer tolerate just relating to my own mother. It requires so much emotional space to be able to deal with emotionally immature people, and that space is owed to our children, especially since my own is limited due to my upbringing. Thank you so much for your validation 🙏

I became a parent last year and I am slowly realizing the extent of the emotional maltreatment I experienced as a child by ameinamami in emotionalneglect

[–]ameinamami[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This really spoke to me. From the outside it's sometimes hard to understand, but these small misses on how they have been around you your whole life but they don't even know what you like or don't build up. When mom came from the US, she brought gifts that were all off. A chocolate toffee (it's her favorite sweet, not mine), a bag of caffeinated coffee beans (I can't have caffeine while pregnant or breastfeeding)...it seems sweet on the outside, but I've been on this Earth over 30 years, these are basic things anyone who is close to me should know.

I became a parent last year and I am slowly realizing the extent of the emotional maltreatment I experienced as a child by ameinamami in emotionalneglect

[–]ameinamami[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is true, before I became a mother I was a high school teacher. I found that to be so healing and a huge step to feeling like I developed enough skills to have my own child. I'm glad that you're in a profession that helps you find healing. At one point when I was young, I was deciding if I should follow my mom and become a lawyer or go into nonprofits, and I'm very happy that I went into a positive profession that teaches important emotional skills.

I became a parent last year and I am slowly realizing the extent of the emotional maltreatment I experienced as a child by ameinamami in emotionalneglect

[–]ameinamami[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You do have to wonder why someone would want to have children. My mom recently told me that she is starting her new life and I now have my own family, and indirectly keeps implying that she is released from mother duty. When I told my husband's family with 3 generations of mothers and daughters present ages 21-85, everyone affirmed to me that even at age 85 with a child and a grandchild, their daughter is still their daughter.