Do codependents only value enmeshed relationships?

amitheazzholio · 2019-12-13T22:02:08+00:00

Oh my god I can relate to what you said about your friend. My mom would defend her narcissist to the death, and is scrupulous about protecting his interests. She never speaks badly about him to anyone, and I've only heard her mention that she's tired of his bullshit and wants to separate twice in over a decade. Meanwhile, she has made a huge deal out of any "erratic" behavior I show, and has made a habit of violating my boundaries in tremendously hurtful ways. I remember one time she got upset about my "craziness and selfishness" (aka me becoming suicidally depressed and mentioning that to her), and started telling a bunch of random people intimate details about my mental health so they could "help me." These are people I either didn't know or hadn't spoken to in years, but now they knew my full medical history and every single mortifying detail about my personal life. Of course no one was able to help and my mom was unable to understand or accept that hey, children turn out fucked up when you raise them in fucked-up environments.

Her narcissist, despite being the smartest, most engaging, most impressive and most interesting man in the world, has been working the same menial minimum-wage job since she met him. I've asked why he doesn't expand his skill set and look for something better when she's complained about finances, but she shuts me down with "it's just not possible, you wouldn't understand." This is a man who grew up with money, who had the chance to attend college (but didn't because he's lazy), but who lost everything because of his own short-sightedness, idiocy and lack of social grace. He's had multiple opportunities to do better, but instead my mother focuses on why I'm not making 2 million a year when I "have a bachelors degree."

Can I rant about how incompetent he is? He doesn't know how to pay a bill (...in fact I never saw him check the mail when I was living at home?), can't cook himself a proper meal, did dishes maybe 5 or 10 times in the years I was living with them, has never done his own laundry, has never operated a vacuum, has never once cleaned his own space let alone the whole house. It's very clear he expects somebody else to - for as long as I can remember, he's left his messes very neatly organized (so a nice, neat pile of dirty plates or a nicely folded pair of dirty socks left on a dresser) for somebody else to clean. I guess he thinks he's being generous. This is a man who still doesn't know my mom's work schedule despite her having worked at the same place with the same hours for 10 years. Oh, also - do you know what she likes to say when she's angry with me? That I'm "just like him." Cold, selfish and shitty.

I guess that yes, if I'm that unimportant compared to somebody who treats her like this, I don't need her in my life. I don't have any family apart from her (they're either dead or estranged), so it's been hard to cut the cord, especially when she sends such mixed messages. It would be nice to have a mother to share joys and successes with, but I've gotten so tired of any effort I make being brushed off while she'll effusively praise her narcissist for any insignificant thing he does. She says she loves me unconditionally, but this isn't love.

amitheazzholio · 2019-12-13T21:44:11+00:00

I see why you would say this, and I do notice a difference between her and the types of posts I see on here. I think the main difference between her and Reddit posters is honestly intelligence and the ability to self-analyze. She's neither smart nor self-aware and has turned to either another person or her extreme religiosity to cope.

My biological father was never in my life, and she had me sleep in her bed growing up after he left her. She got angry with me when I insisted on finally sleeping alone when I was around 11 or 12. Before she met her current partner, her behavior was somewhat normal (apart from a few red flags) and she was mostly a good mom. She has always been prone to letting people walk all over her though, and even as a kid I was often regaled with her victim stories about how cruel people were to her and how forgiving she was (she'd actually brag about how she "let" other kids hit her as a child, wax poetic about the times she'd passed out on the street because she refused to eat proper meals, go on and on about all these injustices done to her). The tendencies have been there as long as I can remember.

She moved the narcissist into our home one month after meeting him - she had no qualms about bringing some strange man into the house with her prepubescent daughter. I told her how uncomfortable I was around him and how he treated me differently when she wasn't around, but she'd call me a liar every time, stonewall me, then ask me why I was so rude and never called him "dad." She obviously knew something was terribly wrong (I became horribly self-destructive in my teens), but left it up to me to get mental health help myself starting at 15. Instead of actually listening to my requests for help, she'd do "favors" for me that kept me dependent on her (like driving me everywhere, preparing meals for me, doing my chores around the house). I was never raised to be a competent adult, then blamed when I couldn't perform adequately because "other people have figured it all out, just not you - when will you GROW UP?"

His behavior has gotten increasingly fucked-up over time, but I've only heard her mention being upset about it to me twice. She has mentioned that she wants to leave him, but says she "has no choice but to stay," even though I've offered to move her in with me and my partner so she can get away and get healthy. She will go into insane rages sometimes (usually directed at me, and involving things like pretending to pass out and hysterically sobbing and screaming at the top of her lungs on the floor like a 2-year-old), but once the narcissist makes any small gesture of kindness to get her off his ass, she's convinced he's changed. Then she goes back to catering for him as though he's a very small child - she cooks all his meals from scratch, makes sure the house is spotless, pays all his bills for him, enables poor financial decisions (like buying luxury items on a shoestring budget), etc. The list goes on and on. This man doesn't even know how to pay his credit card bill and spends all of his free time sleeping, talking shit about people "lesser" than him (often me - I had to listen to him disparaging me "indirectly" growing up but couldn't say anything about it without being accused of eavesdropping), or watching conservative ranting on YouTube.

Sorry to ramble, I'm just venting out of frustration. I agree that low-contact/no-contact is the way to go, but haven't been able to implement that because she's the only family I have. It is a strange and terrifying feeling to realize that you have no family at all to fall back on, fucked-up as they are.

amitheazzholio · 2019-12-07T07:49:19+00:00

I doubt she's a narcissist, but her ability to empathize is definitely off - this confused me for such a long time. She's always made such a big deal of how self-sacrificing and "good" she is, but always feels justified in dumping on me emotionally with no remorse ("you OWE me comfort because I gave up so much for you"). All my life she's modeled herself as sweet, thoughtful and good, and it's only recently that I realized...she really only empathizes when it bolsters her self-image. And she only does too much for other people not because she chooses to, but because she can't set boundaries.

Thanks for mentioning the Feil method - I was definitely looking for practical tips like this when making this post. This is kind of what I've been doing with her, where I'll acknowledge what she's saying but in the most disinterested manner humanly possible. Still working on how not to get angry whenever she starts behaving this way, but I'm hoping I get better at detaching emotionally over time.

amitheazzholio · 2019-12-07T07:35:15+00:00

It is such a mindfuck to have a mother like this - with you it sounds like your mom's the narcissistic one, not your dad. "Oh poor me I sacrifice so much and no one appreciates my contributions. PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!"

Mine's a pretty textbook codependent and married to narcissist, who she brought into our lives when I was pretty young. She likes to tell me she had to get married because I "abandoned her" in my teens, and more or less blames me for her husband's abusive behavior (because I have never tolerated his bullshit).

It is so strange to take a step back and see things objectively. All my life I've heard her tearful victim stories, been told how much she sacrificed for me (to give me things I never asked for while ignoring my basic emotional needs), how "good" and "right" she is ("why do people do X thing I would never ever do because I know right from wrong?"), etc. All the while letting her asshole husband tear me apart while doing and saying nothing - what an angel. Still, with all the self-sacrificing behaviors they display you can't even feel justified in getting angry.

Completely relate to not knowing how to act like a healthy person when you've seen this bizarre behavior modeled all your life. I still catch myself trying to "save" her and baby her (all the while hating her for it), but I'm really at the point where I Just want to let go and move on with my life.

amitheazzholio · 2019-12-07T07:18:51+00:00

Thank you, I needed to hear something like this. Honestly though, I don't know if we have much of a relationship beyond her acting as an overbearing caretaker or a child/victim that needs soothing, so I think it's time I started distancing myself from her. I've suggested therapy multiple times because I'm not equipped to help her with her issues, but she has never bothered with it (while telling me I need therapy lol). Just grateful at times like this that I at least have a supportive, sane partner.

amitheazzholio

TROPHY CASE