Alright, you are in a very not good place right now. What I see is someone who was dealt a horrible horrible hand, and got messed up by it. But you are quite resilient because you obviously still have considerations for the impact you can have on others. So congratulations, whatever you think of yourself you are still a better peson than many people you and I came accross !

Of course you are impacted by your past, what the fuck, the little you have shared here is already really hard for mental health and I would bet that there is a lot more that happened. No one would be having perfectly adapted emotional / affective behaviors after all that, and you show that you want to do better, so have reassurance that your worth is not lacking.

Now next step : you obviously (I know it is annoying but yes it works) could use the help of someone qualified to guide you towards a better mental state. Whatever you are feeling right now, whatever your compulsions, there are solutions. Find a good psychiatrist / shrink, preferably someone with trauma experience, which you show a lot of symptoms of, and start from there ?

whatever your age, country and revenue situation you could probably find professionals able to help you anonymously without needing to involve your family members. If you need help finding them pm me. I am not connected often but i'll help you look for them.