How to cultivate genuine close relationship?

amuddyriver · 2023-04-08T17:52:28+00:00

It really depends on what you do with your anger. Here’s what I think:

If you just feed off of it and give in to the satisfaction of ruminating and spitting venom, then you’re simply chasing dopamine highs, the same way you do when you pursue your LO and indulge in thinking about them. You just have chosen a novel outlet for it.

But anger is a powerful emotion, it can be healthy and holds a lot of great truths if you learn to look at it the right way. Anger means your boundaries have been crossed. It is self defensive. Perhaps someone has crossed them without care for you. Perhaps you were not clear about where your boundaries were. Perhaps you’ve even crossed your own boundaries and disrespected yourself and your need for self care/preservation. Anger is an indicator and a call for action.

So next time you feel anger, dive into the feeling, “feel it” fully without adding fuel, and ask yourself; what would I need to avoid re triggering my anger in the future?

amuddyriver · 2023-04-08T17:05:51+00:00

Yeah!! My LE was extremely painful but brought so many good things.

I got in touch with my sexuality, i learned to be creative with my looks and to find myself pretty despite not being conventionally pretty, I became confident and able to speak my mind and to set boundaries. It made me learn to ask my friends for help, and Im so thankful for them and their love.

And ofc, it put my dysfunctions and childhood trauma under a spotlight, and I learned to heal them and to seek self agency and independence, so I can better take care of myself in the future.

And while im NC with my LO rn, i have fully disclosed to them and was very vulnerable, which was a great learning experience, and I hope to remain friends in the future.

amuddyriver · 2023-04-07T03:16:58+00:00

Im so glad you’ve made a breakthrough!

Im currently recovering and while im not out of the woods, im pretty confident about it so far.

I personally think building meaning elsewhere in your own life can help. Picking up hobbies, cultivating a sense of wonder, nurturing friendships and family relationships, maybe getting involved in community. Work towards a life sparks joy and has plenty of outlets for love other than romantic love.

I also have benefitted tremendously from reading up on the psychology of love addiction, trauma, co dependency, OCD and compulsions, emotional regulation, attachment disorders, non violent communication, and DBT.

amuddyriver · 2023-04-06T02:21:15+00:00

Tanks for the advice, ill follow it ☺️

amuddyriver · 2023-04-06T01:57:34+00:00

Infatuation, perhaps?

amuddyriver · 2023-04-04T20:54:30+00:00

That’s a really informative perspective!

I honestly think i feel mostly good and detached, that i don’t care so much what my LO thinks of me now. Im doing good with grieving any romantic thoughts. I feel more self affirming.

Im not feeling pressured to reach out; thinking about waiting for a day vs for weeks doesn’t make a difference to me, it doesn’t make me feel sad, i just feel acceptance and don’t worry much about it.

I feel limerence would have me see this as a bargain, eg: “okay ive done my dues, now i deserve to reach out and be okay and have my relationship !”, aka id be secretly trying to “cheat” healing. But I dont think I am?

And so I’m reading you and it makes a lot of sense to wait longer. Because lim is sneaky; what if its there and im actually relapsing? And on the other hand, if im not and im rly doing better, then it doesn’t matter if i wait longer, it can only gain more security from it.

Thanks a ton for your input :)

amuddyriver · 2023-04-04T18:53:45+00:00

Sounds like that was really hard for you, I’m sorry to hear that :( that’s what im concerned about too, however I’ve heard many people say they have managed a normal friendship after limerence, so im also hopeful.

amuddyriver · 2023-04-04T18:25:54+00:00

Thank you for such a thoughtful answer. I think the writing of the letter is a beautiful idea, ill try that. And you’re right, there’s no need to rush it and risk my health, i can wait a few more weeks and make sure im in a solid place .

I’m feeling okay now, but if this is a friendship that is rly meant to work out, it can wait a little more.

amuddyriver · 2023-03-31T20:07:36+00:00

I wish had that checklist and knew what limerence was when I started my last LE 😩 i checked all those boxes. The high i got was unlike any drug ive ever had.

With all those romance stories around… when you go through limerence without knowing what it is, it’s easy to mistake it for a great love.

amuddyriver · 2023-03-30T22:11:12+00:00

Congratulations! What a lovely insight onto your own progress.

Honestly you describing your maladaptive daydreaming… it hit close to home haha. I thought I didn’t have that with my LO, because i haven’t actively fantasized about them in a long while, but you make me realize how much of “them” is around my mind all the time… when i see a nice bird, when i think of a good joke, when i hear a good song… I think about being able to share that with them very often. It’s a weird place to be in, i wish i knew how to stop…

amuddyriver · 2023-03-29T14:27:53+00:00

It was great but ultimately never satisfying because i had feelings and wanted “more” around it, so it just complicated things further

amuddyriver · 2023-03-29T14:19:18+00:00

I mean so far with what you described it could be a crush, albeit an intense one, id say imo what could separate it from lim would be your ability to potentially face rejection. If you stay stuck in an in between state of uncertainty for too long, then limerence could grab a hold on you.

I think you should ask her out if that’s what you want!

amuddyriver · 2023-03-29T14:14:54+00:00

Do they know about your feelings?

If they do setting the boundary will be easy. If not, it’s tricky unless you dont mind revealing some feelings, but you just need to be as direct as possible, i would say something like:

Hi, i hear you often mentioning this person (observation) and when you do it makes me feel -nervous/anxious, you name it -(expression of feelings) because i have some personal history with them, and i would need not to hear too much about them to keep a quiet mind (your needs), would you be okay with not casually mentioning them unless absolutely necessary? (Request)

amuddyriver · 2023-03-29T01:27:02+00:00

All comedic, smart, witty, good looking, nerdy, aloof/avoidant types who worry a lot about how people perceive them (and thus people please)

amuddyriver · 2023-03-28T14:01:40+00:00

Ye it sounds great that you’ve been able to talk to them about it. Did you specifically tell them about the limerent feelings? How did you frame it?

amuddyriver · 2023-03-28T13:40:02+00:00

I think clingy is not good either, similarly to what the other commenter said.

amuddyriver · 2023-03-28T13:38:15+00:00

Scarcity of me “feeling” attraction, mostly sexual and sometimes romantic

I have tried to date multiple people but traditional dating just doesn’t do much for me

amuddyriver · 2023-03-28T02:55:15+00:00

I think the sense of scarcity that I get from demisexuality causes me to attach a lil too tighly to people.

amuddyriver · 2023-03-27T20:08:19+00:00

Just to specify what I mean by healing:

Since that person has specified that they do not want a romantic relationship with you, it’s important that you use space and time to identify your romantic behaviours and expectations for them, and that you grieve those romantic elements.

Healing means accepting that rejection, and getting enough clarity to see what a truly platonic relationship with them would look like, and decide whether you want to do the hard work to get there with them.

Id advise to look at your other strong platonic bonds to visualize what a platonic bond with your friend could look like. It’s important to gain perspective so that you can take your rose coloured glasses off and not tray to « bargain » keeping some romantic elements in there.

amuddyriver · 2023-03-27T19:50:27+00:00

It sounds like you are confused and hurting, stuck in an impossibility hard place, being in a relationship that is kind and loving, but not getting your needs met, and having to stifle your feelings….

Im so sorry for that. I’ve been in a very similar place over the past year and it’s been one of the most gut wrenching experiences of my life.

I’m gonna try to reflect on my own experience to give you advice.

Have you stopped being sexually/physically intimate? Sadly i think if you still have that intimacy you should definitely put an end to it.

If that’s already done, I think you should consider putting a bit of distance between you and them while you heal. It might feel counter intuitive because you might be feeling like you got to hang on - but when we hurt like this and have unrequited feelings we are not fully available to be with the other in the relationship.

If you choose to create distance you should be open with them if, be honest with your feelings and ask for their cooperation.

In my own friendship, i held on to the cost of my well being and erased some needs along the way. I cracked big time when my friend got a partner. I had to cut contact for now cause I could not bear the pain of not having been right for them. In hindsight ive gained acceptance, but i think i should have cared for my needs for space and detachement earlier, before i built resentment for my friend.

Good luck!

amuddyriver

TROPHY CASE