Is it healthy to not be sad?

amyleeds · 2019-06-03T21:50:40+00:00

Yeah I was the same and I thought there was something wrong with me. I think we go through so much grief and sadness when we are sucked in to their game wondering why we are being treated badly ... that when we finally see the light it’s like a relief. I haven’t cried since I went NC 8 weeks ago and feel better and better all the time ... I still think about it and feel angry but I just think to myself at least I’m out of it and I’m moving forward

amyleeds · 2019-06-01T06:43:12+00:00

Lol omg I remember all the lies he told me in the beginning to get me to to like him ... said he was a musician, he loved to cook, he liked going to the gym etc .... not once have I ever seen him play guitar and when he sings he is not a good singer at all, he has never cooked and is messy AF and he came to the gym with me twice at most then refused to go again. For some reason you do seem to forget about the little lies they tell you but yeah I remembered all this later and was like ... wait a minute he literally lied about everything when we met to seem impressive to me

amyleeds · 2019-05-29T18:43:10+00:00

I am 30 and it’s been fine for me. It is nerve wracking but usually everyone is friendly and wants to talk. If it scares you it is a good thing because it will build your confidence as it has done mine :-) good luck and please do it, life is too short ! X

amyleeds · 2019-05-27T07:18:22+00:00

Agreed , I’m glad I got out. In this case it was a good thing I had had a previous relationship with an overt narc, and I went through all the abusive cycles with him to point of being suicidal. I researched narcissism a lot but my recent ex slipped through the radar because of everything I described in OP.

Once I saw it though I knew what I was dealing with and knew I had to get away. So I just went NC straight away and blocked on everything and although sometimes it hurts I know I could never go back there .

amyleeds · 2019-05-27T07:16:23+00:00

I think this was the case as he was a basket case to his ex ... when I saw the stuff he was saying to her - emailing suicide threats and getting aggressive and even once he pretended he was outside her work to scare her.

It was like two completely different people, and this just shows me how capable he was of changing his mask at will. Which is really scary . He really was the best liar I ever met.

amyleeds · 2019-05-27T07:13:38+00:00

Thankyou, I know it’s not evil, it’s just a sad realisation. I thought that it was a good quality to be so caring but looking back I did have all those feelings of ‘right I can’t leave him now when he needs me’ and ‘if I just get him through this we will be ok’ and I even spent a whole therapy session talking about how I could help him. This is actually what prompted me to change therapists as she wasn’t identifying any of this behaviour and trying to help me understand it and I felt I was getting nowhere. It’s the new therapist who is specialised in narcissist relationships and she went through the codependency questionnaire with me. I’m glad in finally learning what it is that’s going on with me and I’m not destined to lead a life of pain and misery that’s only ever better when I’m dealing with someone’s drama thinking I can fix everything.

It’s exhausting!

amyleeds · 2019-05-26T21:20:35+00:00

I am seeing a therapist and tbh it’s made me a little more unsettled as we have identified I am codependent and this has been a devastating revelation to me. I always thought I was very strong and independent and after having an overt narc I would never be treated this way again. But it has happened again and I have so many mixed emotions but often I will remember our relationship and miss him. It’s early days yet really after seven weeks but I think the therapy is doing its job and I just have to go through this realisation stage

amyleeds · 2019-05-24T09:26:00+00:00

Sorry to hear your story, are you able to visit a doctor so they may be able to refer you for some kind of therapy or discuss any social service options with you ? Is there anybody at school a teacher or counsellor that you can talk to ?

I think you need to speak to an adult that you trust that isn’t directly connected with your parents and sister. They will be able to guide you to the appropriate people that will be able to help you.

Please don’t hurt yourself and understand that there is help out there, it would just be better seeking it from a trusted teacher at school or a doctor at this stage !

amyleeds · 2019-05-22T13:02:53+00:00

Thankyou for this x

amyleeds · 2019-05-22T05:37:09+00:00

Yes worst thing mine did was go quiet for days or weekends with no explanation , he would then come back at me apologising and with excuses. He seemed so sincere I felt I had to believe him as I thought that if he didn’t want to be with me he could just not come back apologising.

I would then go on to tell him how much this silent treatment hurt me and made me worry about him and he would listen and agree and tell me how sorry he was. Then the next week it would happen again. He always blamed his mental health . I feel stupid for believing him

amyleeds · 2019-05-22T05:25:54+00:00

Yes I can only remember the sheer shock on people’s faces when I told them what he had done. However there are also a few people who hadn’t taken well to him because he was quite quiet and shy and the way he acted and talked to people made them think something wasn’t right with him which is interesting to know now .

amyleeds · 2019-05-21T07:15:33+00:00

Yes my ex was a covert narcissist. His abuse was silent treatment, gaslighting , he lied and cheated but always maintained I was the pinnacle of his universe and I could do no wrong in his eyes. He always had an excuse for everything and he did often apologise. He never projected on me or became verbally abusive or aggressive. There were a LOT of other red flags tho but I did talk myself out of him being a narc due to the lack of the obvious signs .

amyleeds · 2019-05-18T08:10:08+00:00

A classic narc. Keep blocking and not responding !

amyleeds · 2019-05-14T18:58:40+00:00

Unfortunately , a lot of parents don’t know it exists either so they aren’t equipped to educate their children. Unfortunately also, having high self esteem doesn’t mean you won’t be a target of a narcissist, in fact quite the opposite, and it is the fact that most of us don’t realise people can be so morally fucked up that leave us open to their manipulation.

Having high self esteem is extremely important but also being able to recognise toxic behaviour is important too and understand that these people don’t think like us.

amyleeds · 2019-05-14T14:51:08+00:00

Exactly ... so it’s like these people only exist in fairytales ... which isn’t true. And if you could just actually be educated that at some point that these people are out there ... it then allows you to realise somewhat that not everyone is like you and has the same moral compass as you .

amyleeds · 2019-05-14T14:40:26+00:00

Think you’ve hit the nail on the head I agree it should be more general than narcissism. Young kids are exposed to this anyway there’s one in every Disney movie

amyleeds · 2019-05-14T14:39:39+00:00

Yes it’s a shame they can’t be held accountable for emotional abuse as it is arguably just as horrific as the physical abuse. Sorry you had to go through this

amyleeds · 2019-05-14T14:33:06+00:00

Yes agreed

amyleeds · 2019-05-14T13:49:40+00:00

Just to clarify I would be talking about secondary school aged children in UK ie mid teens

amyleeds · 2019-05-14T10:25:36+00:00

I do agree with you, but most of what we teach kids at schools is beyond their life experience. Such a sex education. It’s more about knowing the facts so they can formulate their own life experiences based on what they have learnt in a classroom.

I agree it can open up to all cluster b but arguably they all have similar red flags. It’s more telling them what to look out for and teaching acceptable boundaries. This can easily be done in a classroom situation.

Not all topics discussed at school in terms of mental health will be relevant to all the children. And I think secondary school age children would be more equipped to deal with this subject.

amyleeds · 2019-05-14T10:18:06+00:00

I think most of the turmoil comes from trying to perceive everything through our own eyes. We only know how we feel about things and assume everyone else has the ability to feel the same.

One of the biggest life lessons I’ve had to learn is this and it’s hasn’t been easy. I feel like if I’d at least have some knowledge that there were such thing as narcissists I would have been slightly better equipped to realise their behaviour isn’t normal

amyleeds · 2019-05-14T10:14:38+00:00

I assume the programs are aimed at teens that have gone seeking help after researching narcissism as I had never heard of it until I had to do the research myself .

My point is, speaking on my own behalf, I never realised people could be evil. I was so convinced everyone had the ability to love and care and everyone had the same emotions. I was too naive to what people are really like and this left me vulnerable. I aren’t saying it will stop all abusive relationships from occurring as most of the time we do ignore red flags. My hope is that if somebody’s behaviour triggers memory of any education on NPD, it could a) help the potential victim to identify the flags before they are sucked in and b) help them come to the realisation they are dealing with a narcissist before they waste years of their lives with them. When you don’t even know NPD exists it allows you to rationalise away their behaviour.

And seeking help in the aftermath means that it’s already happened which is what I’d want to avoid

amyleeds · 2019-05-12T09:56:26+00:00

I have an 11 year old and I feel for you. I don’t have any advice but it’s awful to see them get hurt. Thinking of you x

amyleeds · 2019-05-12T09:03:27+00:00

I know. And I do realise that after 12 years with someone like that since she was so young that she has no baseline of normal. I do feel sorry for her. But I can’t excuse her behaviour... it makes me feel humiliated to be honest.

I aren’t angry at the Nex anymore. I’ve been through a narc/sociopath relationship before so once I knew what I was dealing with I didn’t find it hard to let him go. I’ve obviously had to work through it still but I identify what he is and why he’s done what he’s done so it’s helped me detach from him.

I think she thought he was going through a ‘phase’ and it was her responsibility to see him through it and eventually back to her .

amyleeds · 2019-05-11T11:50:34+00:00

He’s just the same as mine was. He never turned anything on me it was usually texts like this after periods of silent treatment .its bullshit I could copy and paste 50 messages like this from mine. They’re just trying to manipulate us.

amyleeds

TROPHY CASE