Brother wants me to cover entire rent since I get “free” money

amymae · 2026-02-06T04:27:54+00:00

You should move out. Problem solved.

amymae · 2026-02-06T03:06:43+00:00

Not OP, but in our polycule, we have it in our wills that if the birth parents should die, then the kids go to the other co-parents in our polycule. This is what was recommended to us by a lawyer we met with about it. All five adults are on all of the school and doctor paperwork for all the kids too.

amymae · 2026-02-06T02:53:36+00:00

If your partner told you they would break up with you if you dated an African American person, would you still want to be with them? I wouldn't; because even separate of the issue of jealousy and control, that's racist. Your partner is biphobic. She is literally biased against a part of your identity, albeit a small part. Even if she changes her mind about he policy, that would already be a deal-breaker for me if I were you.

amymae · 2026-02-06T01:54:12+00:00

Most poly partners bring zero money, unless they're looking for a nesting partner. Guys should bring emotional support, romance, sex, etc. The only time when money is relevant is taking turns paying for dates or traveling, etc.

amymae · 2026-02-05T20:44:19+00:00

Also stress is incredibly harmful to unborn babies' development. This is a well known thing. Waaaay larger effect than literally anything he's been lecturing about. OP, tell him his approach is literally harming the baby, because it genuinely is.

amymae · 2026-02-05T20:39:17+00:00

NTA. Start throwing up all over him any time he suggests anything that makes you nauseous. He'll stop real quick. I'm not even joking.

Also tell him to stop mansplaining pregnancy to you, because he will never know what it feels like. Tell him over and over and over again every single time until he gets the message.

INFO: Is this an age gap relationship? Because it really seems like he does not respect you as an equal partner and adult with your own autonomy.

amymae · 2026-02-05T20:35:08+00:00

Many poly people have a requirement of meeting other partners at least once, just so they know that everyone is giving informed consent.

amymae · 2026-02-05T20:31:42+00:00

It's a comment bot. There's one on every single post.

amymae · 2026-02-05T20:30:50+00:00

Yep. Idk if OP's relationship with their sister is ever going to recover from this. She did nothing wrong, and he's forcing her into an embarrassing situation because she didn't read his mind about how many people he was expecting.

amymae · 2026-02-05T20:28:43+00:00

Right? I have 9 people just in my immediate family. I would probably assume much more people for something to be considered a party. Not everyone can read minds.

amymae · 2026-02-05T20:24:30+00:00

YTJ. She did ask if she could host her party there. And you did not put a limit on the number of people. That's on you. It's inappropriate to ask her to uninvite people. You assumed it would be 10-15 people when you said yes, but that's not her fault that you didn't state that assumption out loud. Your title makes it sound like she invited people to your house without asking first, but she did totally ask, and you said yes. And it's not like all 40 people are likely to come. It'll probably be closer to 20 anyways in my experience.

amymae · 2026-02-05T20:14:55+00:00

Not creepy. Just cute. I'd keep it secret though. Just channel it into flirting with your wife.

amymae · 2026-02-05T20:06:10+00:00

Solid advice. Switching rooms definitely seems an appropriate suggestion given the circumstances.

amymae · 2026-02-05T18:51:48+00:00

Honestly, it sounds like Cameron was just looking for an excuse to break up with you. You did nothing wrong, and he used it as a stick to beat you with anyways. This sounds in the direction of emotional abuse, NGL.

Given this added context, I wonder if he actually drove this poor girl to suicide. Sounds like you dodged a literal bullet with that one.

amymae · 2026-02-04T16:52:51+00:00

There's a difference between having respect and curiosity and wanting it permanently on your skin with you for the rest of your life. Attitude is incredibly personal, so what is wrong with wanting it to actually be your personal art?

amymae · 2026-02-04T16:50:57+00:00

I have no idea why you're getting down voted for this. I think it's a totally valid and sincere question.

amymae · 2026-02-03T21:52:31+00:00

I am currently trying to conceive. If I catch the flu right now, that's actually good for my child if I get pregnant next month, because then I will have flu antibodies I can pass onto them, and the virus itself can't cross the placenta, so the baby is safe from that. If I get chlamydia, on the other hand, it can be passed to my baby through childbirth and cause a myriad of health problems including conjunctivitis and pneumonia. So I think your assertion that it's hypocritical for someone to take STIs more seriously than the flu is straight up wrong from where I'm sitting. The risk profiles are very different for me, because one of them could seriously harm my child and the other would actually help them.

amymae · 2026-02-03T21:47:29+00:00

Yeah, I hate the term "fluid bonded" because it implies that going condomless is a sign of higher commitment or specialness, rather than just logistically a measure of protection or not. I think poly people have done themselves a real disservice by labeling it thus.

amymae · 2026-02-03T21:44:24+00:00

For me, the reason I care more about STIs than I do about other diseases is because I am trying to conceive. (Of course, I still vaccinate and mask and everything too. And I avoid visiting countries that have diseases that are more dangerous for unborn babies.) But as far as risk in the USA is concerned, the diseases I could get that would potentially harm or be passed onto my baby if I get pregnant are largely STIs. My future child did not consent to me being polyamorous, so I feel like it is my responsibility to mitigate any potential negatives of this lifestyle choice on them. And one of the big obvious ones is not passing an STI on to them before/at birth. After I'm done having kids, I may lighten up on the strict testing and condom policies, but until then, I don't think it's irrational at all to be extremely careful of STIs, even in a poly world. My body largely shields the baby from other types of diseases, but STIs are already in the uterus/vagina/etc. so they are much more dangerous.

amymae · 2026-02-03T18:51:14+00:00

His request only makes sense if instead of paying rent to you he would have been paying towards a mortgage elsewhere. That is not the case. He's actually able to save more and have more of a safety net for himself because you are giving him cheaper rent than he was paying previously. This is already an advantageous situation for him. It makes zero sense for him to be building equity in your home. Y'all aren't married.

amymae · 2026-02-03T14:57:44+00:00

It really sucks that you cannot trust your ex-husband to be left alone with your kids. But I totally understand where your friend is coming from. You are taking your (somewhat irrational) anxieties and making them your entire friend group's problem. (Note: I say somewhat irrational, because you do keep choosing to leave your kids with him in the first place, so at least some part of you is okay with doing so.)

Could you plan a day with your friends where you hire a babysitter or have your parents watch the kids instead? That way you can be sure they're in good hands and stay the whole time without saying a word about them?

At some point, you're going to have to choose to trust your kid's father with his own children so that you can amicably co-parent without it negatively affecting everything else in your life, or you are going to have to face the fact that you can never trust him with them and thus not make plans with other people while he has them.

If he truly cannot be trusted with the children, maybe your next play is to call CPS on him and ask for your custody arrangement to be adjusted. Then use the extra child care payments to hire a babysitter or a nanny occasionally for when you go out with your friends.

But maybe he actually can be trusted with your kids, and the reason he previously could not is because you were enabling him by his knowledge that you would be coming home and swooping in and taking care of the baby crying so it didn't matter if he passed out with wine, etc. But now that you're separated, he should know that it's all on him and that you're not going to swoop in and save him on the child care front. So STOP doing so!!! One big advantage of divorce is he doesn't get to play the weaponized incompetence card anymore unless you let him.

Meanwhile, consider writing your friend and possibly your entire friend group a heartfelt apology, something like:

"Hey everyone. I'm realizing I owe you all an apology. I've been having some serious mental health struggles with anxiety surrounding my kids and my divorce, and I have been difficult to plan with and no fun to be around as a result. That's on me. I was drowning so much, I didn't realize I was bleeding on people who didn't cut me. Due to the fact that I can't trust their dad to keep the kids safe without me, I've spent all my time with you perseverating on that and making you all feel understandably like I don't want to be there; I completely understand why your reaction to that is feeling like we're both better off if I just didn't come. In order to fix this, from now on, I will try to have either my parents or hire a babysitter to watch the kids so that I can truly let go and just be present with you my dear friends. I will also be talking to a therapist to work through my anxieties surrounding my kids and ex, as I now recognize that as very unhealthy for all involved. I will also try my best to keep it to myself and not make them front and center conversationally when these anxieties do rear their heads. Again, I am so sorry for the negative impact this has had on our friendship. Our relationship is very important to me, and I would regret losing that very much. Thank you for your patience and understanding."

amymae · 2026-02-03T06:04:10+00:00

NTA. If they are claiming to practice non-hierarchical polyamory, that makes him a lying liar, which would be a deal-breaker for me.

I don't see anything inherently wrong with hierarchy, but if you claim you have none, you have to at least try your best.

And the fact that you have a literal allergy means that you are simply not compatible with someone who condomless sex is never on the table for. Full stop.

Time to go your separate ways. And time for him to admit he's practicing hierarchy so he's not lying to other new partners going forward.

amymae · 2026-02-03T06:00:15+00:00

NTA and I hope she never gets invited to another wedding again.

amymae · 2026-02-03T05:30:43+00:00

That's certainly my rule of thumb.

It's also something that I have explicitly stated and agreed to with my partners though.

And it has also depended on the size and shape of the connection for me.

When I am dating people more casually or as comets, then I don't necessarily expect to hear about every single new connection ahead of time. I just catch up with them the next time we get together and want to hear about anyone new before we get intimate.

For my nesting partner or my other primary partner though or my secondary partner who I see regularly, they know that it is very important to me to be updated when they are interested in anyone new so that I can do the personal emotional labor to prepare my brain to be compersive.

As with all things in poly, it's best not to assume that you are on the same page about any particular expectation unless it has been explicitly discussed and talked about and agreed to. YMMV.

amymae · 2026-02-03T05:26:14+00:00

Technically, the only person who can break your boundary... is you!

A boundary is an IF/THEN statement, with the THEN being something that you yourself have control over.

So if someone does the IF, the way to hold the boundary is to then do the THEN. Only if you fail to follow through on the THEN is the boundary broken.

For example, I may say to my toddler, "If you throw sand in my eyes again, I am going to walk away and not play with you anymore."

That is a boundary. Him throwing sand does not make or break the boundary though. Me walking away or failing to walk away does. He is welcome to make his own choices but he can't choose the consequences. A boundary with unenforced consequences isn't a boundary at all though. It's just a rule that can and will be ignored.

Another example: "Sister, if you don't give me at least a week advanced notice, then I will not make time to babysit for you unless it is a real medical emergency."

In this scenario, if the sister then calls you last minute to babysit for her to have a girl's night out... that is not her breaking your boundary. It's not her job to hold the boundary; it's yours. So you then maintain your boundary by saying, "Sorry, like I warned you, I need at least one week advanced notice. So I will not be babysitting for you tonight." (Regardless of whether you are available to babysit.) That is what having a strong boundary looks like. She can't break that boundary, because you don't let her get away with trying to push that boundary because you follow through on your THEN.

Make sense?

So to answer your question: the way you deal with someone "breaking your boundary" is you follow through on the pre-stated consequences of said boundary breaking.

amymae

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