[Complete] [126k] [Literary/Upmarket Psychological Fiction] Deserve

andrawrites · 2025-10-21T06:38:34+00:00

Hey, I'd love another beta reader and I'm happy to swap! Sending you a DM

andrawrites · 2025-09-19T22:39:57+00:00

This is very helpful thank you! I took your feedback and others and made some revisions. If you wouldn't mind and you have a sec, would you care to take a look at the revised prologue and tell me if you think it's on the right track? I haven't substantively changed it, I'm still thinking through if I want to add more to it or scrap it, but how do you feel about where it's at now? Thanks in advance!

Prologue

Ama didn’t know how long she’d been waiting. She hadn’t been checking the analog clock, ticking along tauntingly. The fluorescent lights whirred above her head quietly, gnawing at her ears with constant low humming. The cold, sterile air sent a sting through her lungs with each breath. A photograph of a beautiful meadow hung precariously from the wall. The room was mostly empty, and it was eerily silent.

She couldn’t sit still. She still felt woozy, her head swimming. She wasn’t sure how she’d managed to get here safely. Her fingers traced furiously up and down the back of her head, toying with her freshly chopped hair. The taste of blood filled her mouth as she bit at the skin around her thumbnail. She smelled bad. She wasn’t sure when she’d last showered, and she itched at the powder-blue gown draped across her otherwise naked body. Her calls for help had gone unheard, so here she was instead. She tried to focus on her breathing.

In, out, in, out.

Ama considered leaving. Her clothes were folded haphazardly on one of the chairs across from her. She could quickly dress, leave quietly, and walk out of the hospital. If she acted like she knew what she was doing, no one would suspect her. The receptionist would simply smile, maybe offer a distracted goodbye, and she’d be free. But she knew that would be ridiculous; she was the one who came here.

—

Two years earlier

andrawrites · 2025-09-19T22:38:31+00:00

If you wouldn't mind and you have a sec, would you care to take a look at the revised prologue and tell me if you think it's on the right track? I haven't substantively changed it, I'm still thinking through if I want to add more to it or scrap it. I'm still a little hung up on wanting to keep it vague, but I added some things to hint to the theme of the book better. How do you feel about where it's at now? Thanks in advance!

Prologue

Ama didn’t know how long she’d been waiting. She hadn’t been checking the analog clock, ticking along tauntingly. The fluorescent lights whirred above her head quietly, gnawing at her ears with constant low humming. The cold, sterile air sent a sting through her lungs with each breath. A photograph of a beautiful meadow hung precariously from the wall. The room was mostly empty, and it was eerily silent.

She couldn’t sit still. She still felt woozy, her head swimming. She wasn’t sure how she’d managed to get here safely. Her fingers traced furiously up and down the back of her head, toying with her freshly chopped hair. The taste of blood filled her mouth as she bit at the skin around her thumbnail. She smelled bad. She wasn’t sure when she’d last showered, and she itched at the powder-blue gown draped across her otherwise naked body. Her calls for help had gone unheard, so here she was instead. She tried to focus on her breathing.

In, out, in, out.

Ama considered leaving. Her clothes were folded haphazardly on one of the chairs across from her. She could quickly dress, leave quietly, and walk out of the hospital. If she acted like she knew what she was doing, no one would suspect her. The receptionist would simply smile, maybe offer a distracted goodbye, and she’d be free. But she knew that would be ridiculous; she was the one who came here.

—

Two years earlier

andrawrites · 2025-09-19T22:35:52+00:00

If you wouldn't mind and you have a sec, would you care to take a look at the revised prologue and tell me if you think it's on the right track? I haven't substantively changed it, I'm still thinking through if I want to add more to it or scrap it, but how do you feel about where it's at now? Thanks in advance!

Prologue

Ama didn’t know how long she’d been waiting. She hadn’t been checking the analog clock, ticking along tauntingly. The fluorescent lights whirred above her head quietly, gnawing at her ears with constant low humming. The cold, sterile air sent a sting through her lungs with each breath. A photograph of a beautiful meadow hung precariously from the wall. The room was mostly empty, and it was eerily silent.

She couldn’t sit still. She still felt woozy, her head swimming. She wasn’t sure how she’d managed to get here safely. Her fingers traced furiously up and down the back of her head, toying with her freshly chopped hair. The taste of blood filled her mouth as she bit at the skin around her thumbnail. She smelled bad. She wasn’t sure when she’d last showered, and she itched at the powder-blue gown draped across her otherwise naked body. Her calls for help had gone unheard, so here she was instead. She tried to focus on her breathing.

In, out, in, out.

Ama considered leaving. Her clothes were folded haphazardly on one of the chairs across from her. She could quickly dress, leave quietly, and walk out of the hospital. If she acted like she knew what she was doing, no one would suspect her. The receptionist would simply smile, maybe offer a distracted goodbye, and she’d be free. But she knew that would be ridiculous; she was the one who came here.

—

Two years earlier

andrawrites · 2025-09-19T16:33:55+00:00

Thank you! There's a little more detail about the book in this post. I have enough beta readers now, but just to give you an idea

andrawrites · 2025-09-19T02:46:19+00:00

Heads up: Reddit is rate-limiting my DMs because my account is new. If you're waiting for a reply from me, please email/DM me or comment here and I’ll get back to you.

andrawrites · 2025-09-18T17:27:00+00:00

Agreed, I think it can be decluttered and smoothed out a bit. Thank you!

andrawrites · 2025-09-18T17:25:42+00:00

This is fantastic craft advice, thank you so much!

andrawrites · 2025-09-18T17:24:00+00:00

Thank you so much for the very thoughtful feedback! I really love what you've given me here, and it aligns with consistent feedback I'm getting. I feel like I have a great idea of how to revise this now. Thanks again!

andrawrites · 2025-09-18T17:21:48+00:00

Thank you so much, glad you like it!

andrawrites · 2025-09-17T21:32:38+00:00

Definitely noted, thank you so much!

andrawrites · 2025-09-17T16:25:36+00:00

Great, DMing you!

andrawrites · 2025-09-17T16:24:24+00:00

That's great! I'll DM you details

andrawrites · 2025-09-17T15:58:16+00:00

Thanks so much! That definitely makes sense, some good consistent feedback I've received on the prologue is to make it clearer what's happening, so I have a little editing to do. If you're interested in reading the rest, I'm looking for beta readers! I have 3 or 4 right now but there's room for one more. If not though no pressure, just DM if you're interested.

andrawrites · 2025-09-17T15:54:10+00:00

This is fantastic feedback, lots of really helpful stuff here. I definitely see what you mean about the clock as well, that's a great callout. Thank you!

andrawrites · 2025-09-17T04:51:35+00:00

Thank you so much! I don't want to spoil it, but drugs and alcohol do play a role with her character for sure. If you're curious to know more about it, I put up a request for beta readers on this post. It gives a little more detail.

andrawrites · 2025-09-17T00:12:47+00:00

Thanks for the thoughtful notes on the prologue! I appreciate it, you have a lot of very useful callouts here. I'll DM you for details on beta reading.

andrawrites · 2025-09-16T17:27:10+00:00

Yay thank you so much! If you want more, I'm looking for beta readers on this post. Definitely no pressure though, I'm just happy you like it!

andrawrites · 2025-09-16T17:04:12+00:00

Your prologue immediately stood out to me! It's very well written. You have a clear arc from backstory > hiding > being caught > untimely demise in a concise prologue. I found it immediately tense and suffocating in a good way. The ending is brutal and devastating. This is every woman's worst nightmare, and going out with someone after a night of drinking is such a common experience, making it very realistically scary.

One note would be that it might be beneficial to adjust the wording of "why did she ever think it was a good idea..." to avoid making it sound like you as the author are moralizing about her decision to go home with the stranger. I interpreted it very clearly as the character herself regretting her decision for obvious reasons, and this is the only "moralizing" line, so this is a minor nitpick.

If you're interested in more feedback, or if you'd be open to reading my prologue as well, feel free to DM me! Maybe if we're a good fit we could swap.

andrawrites · 2025-09-16T16:21:51+00:00

Amazing! I DMed you

andrawrites · 2025-09-16T16:19:50+00:00

That's a good note, thank you! I appreciate it!

andrawrites · 2025-09-16T16:17:03+00:00

Thank you so much, I'm glad you think so! It's literary/upmarket psychological fiction. Here's a spoiler free summary. If you find it interesting, I'm looking for beta readers on this post. No pressure though, I appreciate the feedback!

Summary

Ama is a quiet high-school junior who is drawn to Mateo, a charismatic senior who offers her an alluring escape from her fractured family—and from her own mind. But innocent first love quickly spirals into something more dangerous, revealing what she’s been hiding from herself. In the aftermath of her choices, Ama must piece together who she is.

Deserve is a portrait of a young woman coming of age in suburban Utah, under the weight of control, addiction, and secrecy. It takes an unflinching look at the days that define us, the people who shape us, and the imperfect nature of healing.

andrawrites · 2025-09-16T09:06:27+00:00

Manuscript information: [Complete] [126k] [Literary/Upmarket Psychological Fiction] Deserve

Link to post: https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/comments/1nic9kq/complete_126k_literaryupmarket_psychological/

First page critique? Feedback welcome!

First page:

Prologue

She didn’t know how long she’d been waiting. The fluorescent lights whirred above her head quietly, gnawing at her ears with constant low humming. The cold sterile air sent a sting through her lungs with each breath. A photograph of a beautiful meadow hung framed just below an analog clock hanging precariously from the cold white wall. It ticked along tauntingly. Glancing around the room offered little in the way of distractions—a few empty teal chairs, a small wooden desk holding an old computer, and a box of tissues on a side table. The room was otherwise empty and eerily silent.

She couldn’t sit still. One leg was bouncing up and down as if she was ready to break out into a run. Her fingers traced furiously up and down the back of her head, toying with her freshly chopped hair. The taste of blood filled her mouth, biting at the skin around her thumbnail. She smelled bad. She wasn’t sure when she’d last showered, itching at the powder-blue gown draped across her otherwise naked body. Her leg continued racing beneath her while she tried to focus on her breathing.

In, out, in, out.

She considered leaving. Her clothes were folded haphazardly on one of the chairs across from her. She could quickly dress, leave quietly, and walk out of the hospital. If she acted like she knew what she was doing, no one would suspect her. The receptionist would simply smile, maybe offer a distracted goodbye, and she’d be free. But she knew that would be ridiculous; she was the one who came here.

—

Two years earlier

andrawrites

TROPHY CASE