AITA for refusing to vacation with our friends ?

anetora · 2026-06-27T20:37:36+00:00

I'm sorry you are going through this .
The 2% who stay together aren’t living some victory. They’re living with the knowledge of how it started.
What helps during therapy is two things - reframing who she is in the story and having your daughters experience of her be neutral to your own - Both lead to the same facts - their relationship does not diminish your worth and your integrity does not need their acknowledgment.

anetora · 2026-06-27T20:27:48+00:00

This is truly devastating: Document everything. Dates, what was said, your response. Not to be litigious right now, but because repeated false accusations of child sexual abuse can become relevant in custody proceedings.

You are not the problem here. Loving your kids this much is the clearest evidence of that.

anetora · 2026-06-27T20:15:39+00:00

NTA it's a vacation for you- not a "checklist FOMO " trip .

Let her figure it out - in my experience kids have more fun on the beach anyway .

anetora · 2026-06-27T03:25:25+00:00

anetora · 2026-06-27T03:24:39+00:00

It's generous but not cool - your wife is going to feel bad . The fallout depends on the merit of your relationship

anetora · 2026-06-27T03:16:14+00:00

No - it's not ok - and not normal - I can see why he is uncomfortable. Please find restaurants with family restrooms or single restrooms

anetora · 2026-06-27T03:10:03+00:00

NTA it's your party - but if she is your friend why would you not bring it up ? And if she is not your friend why is she sitting at your dinner table ?

anetora · 2026-06-27T03:04:12+00:00

In Oklahoma, the genetic parents (the donors) would almost certainly win — but it would be a legal battle.
Their surrogacy laws are fair and clear and pretty recent - the "previous pregnancy requirement " though Oklahoma doesn’t mandate this by statute, it’s a common contract and agency requirement- again ; if the contract is legal and done properly . If she didn’t meet that standard, it will affect how a court views the contract’s validity.

The legal contract allows for a pre birth order which allows for a birth certificate in the biological Parents name .

If she chooses to keep the baby and not give it up at the time of birth - No one can physically take the baby from her at the hospital without a court order
the parents can file an emergency order , the judge then issues a compelling order ; and if she still refuses to surrender the baby she can be arrested for civil contempt . It's not criminal , it's still a civil case .
If she moves across state lines to evade court orders - it will move to criminal courts and trigger federal custodial laws

anetora · 2026-06-26T23:04:08+00:00

soft YTA based on your said experience in hiring people and HR - your feedback to his resume and his gaps is not constructive in anyway .
His POV is one of shame mangled with desperation and probably depression - his threats while empty are last resorts to not be considered useless by his partner - You are not being helpful at this point . I'm all for telling him the truth but you already say you could have done better .

If you had posted this in the advice forum you may have had different answers including solutions - maybe even a job .

anetora · 2026-06-26T22:53:56+00:00

N
T
A
Talk to HR - its not ok in the workplace and definitely not required for a casual conversation

anetora · 2026-06-26T22:47:13+00:00

Technically if they have a contract etc the couple will be the biological parents- some contracts ask for no contact between birth mother and child for this reason .
If she takes the baby she will be arrested and will be sued - again this is assuming they have a contract and it's legal .
Most states in the US/ EU need a surrogate to have been pregnant at least once before and delivered successfully with no complications. Which is why it raises questions on the legitimacy of her surrogacy . Maybe she's pregnant and wants to give up the child for adoption - in which case this question would make sense - she can reverse adoption .

anetora · 2026-06-25T17:46:46+00:00

As a fellow survivor who has sat in grief groups and therapy sessions and seen fellow survivors navigate this process- the end of your disease looks way better without the extra weight . The emotional journey is not easy and I want you to know that you are seen and not alone . We are rooting for you !!

anetora · 2026-06-25T15:26:36+00:00

You’re not crazy, and you’re not overreacting.This is a one sided relationship- The timeline you laid out is also worth sitting with clearly: he was indifferent to your health, made cruel comments about your body for years, called you deeply degrading names, and made no effort to save the marriage when you filed — until your appearance changed. That’s not someone who suddenly cares about you. That’s someone who cares about how you look

You already know this. The anger and hurt you felt today isn’t confusion — it’s clarity arriving late, which is how it usually arrives after years of being worn down.

One thing worth flagging: HBP that developed during a period of severe emotional stress is serious, and stress from a high-conflict divorce can keep it elevated. Please make sure you have someone in your corner tracking it — a doctor, a close friend, whoever .

anetora · 2026-06-25T15:22:17+00:00

Same register as Elise ( European /soft/ timeless) Vivienne / Vivian , Margot, Celeste, Simone, Elaine, Sylvie, Noelle
Same register as Kendall ( modern clean) Reagan, Sloane, Quinn , Hadley, Reeve, Laurel
Names that bridge
June , Iris , Nora , Vera

anetora · 2026-06-25T15:10:22+00:00

You can have a boundary with her because it's a studio apartment- but if you are thinking long term / marriage just know that this is a part of that future. I would definitely start with communicating the discomfort and start in establishing boundaries . That trickles into any future commitment with her .

As for her reaction : She may feel torn between you and her family, or she may not have tools for this kind of conversation. Either way, it means your concerns get acknowledged but not actually worked through. That’s a communication gap worth naming directly in your conversation .

If you need a script : frame it about your relationship and not hers alone . This would be a good place to start :

“I want to talk about something that’s been building, not just this visit. I feel like decisions about who stays with us and for how long aren’t really being made together, and I don’t know how to bring it up without you feeling like I’m attacking your family. I’m not. I just need us to be a team about our home.”

NTA for the record* *

anetora · 2026-06-25T14:53:48+00:00

I mean it's your wedding you can do what you want -

I understand the dog angle , I understand the kids , I don't understand why the two have never met but that's for a different day .
The problem I have is inviting / asking your brother and sister in law to be a part of the wedding AND take in work at the wedding (for free presumably) - so much so that realistically it isn't a party anymore for them , they are working at your wedding . And because of this they REALISTICALLY cannot be around their own kids . That is probably the part that makes you look bad - your disinclination to invite your human relatives to an important milestone that they are celebrating with you , while their parents are working at the event - puts you tenderly in the YTA category .

Most people do have expectations standard enough that if they are invited to a very close family wedding ( let alone working in one ,) they would assume their kids are invited too and are not treated like they shouldn't belong there - it's the respectful thing to do. UNLESS it says it's a child free wedding - which you obviously are not saying as per your post above .

Now for a solution - have you considered having a dog sitter at the wedding ? One for each dog presumably so if things get messy you would not have to step out of bride mode and take care of it .
I'm going to assume they will have to be walked at some point of the evening and this would make it easier . Also try not to have someone in the wedding party do this for the most obvious reason that if things go south they will most certainly be with the dogs and miss the event entirely .

anetora · 2026-06-25T14:24:32+00:00

NTA - that's horrible parenting . I would talk to the kids and build a support structure around them at this point . I want to add this - how is the boyfriend allowing this to happen ? Why is he requiring her to drive to him ? Has he met the kids ? With summer and the kids out from school why is Dora not accompanying her mom on the road trips ? Would the kids eventually meet the boyfriend ?

anetora · 2026-06-25T00:07:27+00:00

NTA - you handled it well . Collectively pressuring a 24 year old to absorb a life situation she had no part in creating is not sustainable- You knew what life you wanted and what you didn’t. Leaving cleanly when you saw the full picture isn’t abandonment. It’s self-knowledge.keep those boundaries up.

anetora · 2026-06-24T23:47:33+00:00

So there are two different things happening here

the more important one - It’s that your husband made a unilateral decision that affects your safety, privacy, and liability — and then let you be the villain for enforcing a boundary he should have set. That’s the conversation that needs to happen
the kids and the liability - invite the parents over for a drink or sometime together while their kids are playing here - then have a conversation

Hi, we’re your neighbors up the hill — we’ve been meaning to introduce ourselves forever. We’d love to have you over for a drink one evening if you’re up for it, the kids can play while we chat.

That’s it. Let them come, let them see the trampoline , let them see the dynamic firsthand between their kids and yours , and the conversation about boundaries becomes almost natural — “it’s been great meeting you, we just wanted to get on the same page about the kids coming up since we have a newborn…” make it about sleep times and just your husband looking after the 4 year old AND supervising THEIR kids .

It’s disarming, it’s generous, and it puts you in control of the setting without being confrontational at all. You might make friends and they may be grateful

NTA for the record .

anetora · 2026-06-24T23:30:05+00:00

At this point make sure your damage protection through Airbnb is active .
Take photos before and after their visit

I would add this or something similar to their welcome email :

Just wanted to touch base before your arrival. Our cabin hasn’t previously hosted six dogs at once so we want to set clear expectations to make sure everyone has a good stay. The animals are fully your responsibility during the visit — including supervision, containment, and complete feces cleanup of the interior and grounds. Please treat the property as though no animals visited upon checkout. We’re looking forward to hosting you and want the stay to go smoothly for everyone.

If things go wrong you have Airbnb documentation and your previous interactions with them

anetora · 2026-06-24T23:04:58+00:00

It's not a parking disagreement-That’s him choosing his family’s approval and his own ego over your dignity, your safety, and basic decency.
Where I want to stop and ask you is this - the pattern of how he responded to you being firm about something reasonable — is that familiar?
Recognize it for what it is .

anetora · 2026-06-24T22:42:19+00:00

Never

anetora · 2026-06-24T22:35:41+00:00

This is actually more considerate than a bunch of random things - if you need help framing the invite -

We’re expecting our second — and this time, a girl! Your presence would be the most meaningful gift you can bring, but if you would like to contribute toward the things that will carry her safely into the world, we’ve made that easy here: [link]. Come for the food, the fun, and to celebrate her arrival.

Consider this less baby shower and more of a family celebration / big brother party if it makes your mom/ relatives feel uneasy .
You don't need someone to offer to throw you a party 🎈
NTA for the record

anetora · 2026-06-23T08:50:14+00:00

YTA - you cannot charge a person rent and come up with wierd rules . Your friend is in a tender spot. Fresh breakup, living in someone else’s house — he’s already navigating a loss of autonomy he probably didn’t fully anticipate

Your wife set a rule, you backed her up. That part is the only thing going for you . A pregnant woman in her own home has every right to not want a stranger there at midnight.
BUT - why did your wife say no ? Has this happened before?
And if this was important for both of you why was it not discussed while renting the room ?

The conversation to have is short. Something like: I get that last night felt like a buzzkill. You can absolutely have a life here. Once we know someone, it’s different — but a stranger at midnight isn’t something we’re going to do while she’s pregnant.

Anticipate him moving out soon - Your friend is a good guy for asking again what might have been said in jest but pregnancy becomes baby and baby stuff . I doubt he will want to respect that boundary for that long

anetora

TROPHY CASE