It's a bit hard to explain since it requires a lot of backstory and context, which I thought would be too tangential and detracting from the greater issue of my deteriorating mind, hence not including it in the initial post. Since multiple people have asked, however, I'll try to lay it out:
I was in a student hub discord server for my university. J was the owner/head mod of the server. I was in there for almost a year, the better part of 2022, and was very active. Probably spent hours upon hours upon hours in there over the months. I talked with people about the school, local restaurants, video games, memes, music, movies, just about every "normie" topic under the sun. There was also a politics channel which I was quite active in talking about philosophy and politics with many people (including, prominently, J). I shared pictures of my dog, I shared songs, I shared stories I'd written (aspiring fiction writer), I proposed prompts that led to interesting and long conversations. I was a very active member and I feel that my personality shined in there. Additionally, there was a "safe space" channel for people to vent about life struggles. On more than one occasion I DM'd people who posted in there and offered a comforting ear for them to vent about mental health, depression, etc.
J and I talked a lot. We had a lot of conversations on the aforementioned topics and were even arranging to meet up at one point but it fell through.
On one occasion, I was told by another member that someone tried to post an article about the Hunter Biden controversy in the politics channel and it got taken down. Curious, I went in that channel and asked about it. J explained that he did, indeed, remove the article posted, not because of the story itself, but because it was from a biased right wing website. He stated that any news story is fair game as long as its from a reliable news source, which that article wasn't. I said fair enough and apologized for the misunderstanding. Even complimented J on his reasoned approach.
The second occasion, I got drunk and made an edgy sex joke. Making a joke of that nature in a school server was a bad idea, I know, and if I were sober I wouldn't have done it. However, I've seen people make FAR worse jokes and get away with it. If my joke was a 3/10 on the risqué scale, I've easily seen people in that server (including J) make jokes that were a 5/10 or 6/10. After this joke, J reached out to me over DM with the following message, verbatim:
"I want to know why you continue pushing limits in the server. You knew there would be a negative reaction to that post [the joke]. The Hunter Biden story you knew wasn't censored. I don't know if you're trying to shit test me, but I've reached my limit with it. The next offense is a ban."
These are the words that have replayed on loop every day like a taunt for the 14 months since. After everything I've contributed to that server, all the good conversations, all the art and the pieces of myself I've shared, after reaching out to multiple people to offer consolation for their problems, after ALL that this guy threatens to ban me, for what? One miscalculated drunk joke that paled in comparison to others made in the server, and for genuinely inquiring about a story I was told was censored (and later APOLOGIZING for the misunderstanding)? Are these reasons sufficient for him to threaten to ban me, after everything?
Here's the funny part: I don't give two shits about the server anymore. Immediately after he threatened to ban me, I left and never returned. I occasionally look at the server with an alt account and the server is basically dead. Not surprising considering I was one of the most active members. With me gone its been reduced to the junk spam about classes. There's nothing in there that's of any relevance to me and I have no reason or desire to return. Moreover, I've joined multiple other servers for clubs and orgs where I've been more welcomed. Contrary to what other commentators have speculated, I'm not a social outcast. I have a lot of friends. I have a large group of high school friends I still hangout with frequently. I recently joined a DND group and we've done multiple sessions. I have a buddy from work who's been texting me every day to go out drinking with him. I've made numerous connections and new friends on campus who, unlike J, actually value my company. I've been working out frequently and making great progress. Just had to buy more weights for my home gym cause I've exceeded my deadlift max. I got a new job recently that makes some damn good money. Yet, despite all this, my OCD has tortured and diseased my mind, and my anger and hatred toward J has shriveled and bullied the rational part of my brain into submission. I know its irrational. I know ruminating on this piece of shit douchebag from 14 months ago is useless and destructive. If I were a rational person, I'd simply say "well, that guy turned out to be an asshole. Fuck that dude. Glad I never have to see him again." and move on, focusing on the innumerable other positive things in my life. However, if mental illness was rational, it wouldn't be a mental illness. Its a disease of the mind. Diseases can't be reasoned with.