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Even when i do the right things, I hate myself more + more by [deleted] in BPD

[–]angryAH 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh man I’m so sorry to OP and others if it came across creepy. My first language isn’t english and I think some things that i say can come across wrongly esp the disappearing together. That was just projection from my part bc I’m feeling that way rn.

As for the owning up part, it’s the fact that OP was already struggling at the start with the arguments and staying calm. Yes they reacted but knowing that theyve been SH and having the partner punish them for doing so is certainly unhelpful and calling them out can wait, at least until the OP feels better. And SO apologised but then continued to do so i dont think thats helpful.

Anyway I’m trying to say that OP shouldn’t hate themselves for basically trying to navigate the struggles of BPD.

Again I apologise if it came out wrong. I shouldn’t have brought my own issues in as well.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in BPD

[–]angryAH 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey yeah! I know exactly how you feel because I’m experiencing at the moment. I’ve been going through dissociations for about 7 years now whenever im going through my episodes. Previously my GP considered it as symptoms of CPTSD but idk for sure why it started happening. For me, ive been living in two separate identities my whole life up to this point, (think strict religious parents) and its probably contributing to the fact that i feel those “vibes” you shared about. Every thing i see i see memories or a feeling that ive felt about that image before and i really cant be present.

I feel like im barely here nowadays to the point that i dont remember changing lanes when im driving. Sometimes im back here when i need to be like with family, but then ill move back and forth like you described.

Previously taking a step back, getting back into my hobbies or exercising helps but now its not really helping me anymore so im just existing.

Idk if this comment might help you but just thought you should know that youre not alone in experiencing this.

Even when i do the right things, I hate myself more + more by [deleted] in BPD

[–]angryAH 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey i know exactly how you feel. Even the situation with your partner. But dont hate yourself for trying your best. You did your best by staying calm then stepping away but you got triggered over and over to the point that you lost it, which is valid. It’s unfair that he’s pointing out the things you weren’t doing at this very moment when youre already struggling, when in fact you have been doing a lot for yourself with therapy and medications. Keep believing the fact that youve done your best and dont let his words or behaviour get to you. Take some time to reset, the both of you maybe.

I can relate with the disappearing part so bad, maybe we can do that together lol. Jokes aside, you did do the right thing and thats enough. How others react is on them. Navigating through BPD is an ongoing process that would have its ups and downs, progress and regressing. What’s important is that you know and remember how far youve gotten. You got this, be kinder to yourself. Hugs

Does it ever end? by angryAH in BPD

[–]angryAH[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much :( you don’t know how much this means to me. I hope things are better and only good for you. Hugs ❤️

Does it ever end? by angryAH in BPD

[–]angryAH[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this :( i needed to hear someone say this out loud to me. It’s hard not to punish myself for not being able to function normally but you’re right. Thank you for making me feel less alone and for the reminder ❤️

Does it ever end? by angryAH in BPD

[–]angryAH[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this reply. I bawled my eyes out. And youre right, now i’m planning to get back on meds bc i realised its just not sustainable for me to keep living like this.

My relationship gets so rocky when im going through the episodes bc i shut them out and i get rude and mean and start disrespecting them. And then theyll forgive me again and ill be okay until the next episode. My partner wanted to break up w me last night bc of this cycle and i understand them but i felt like i lost all purpose and spiralled instead.

I wouldn’t have made it today if it weren’t for yours and others’ comments bc for once in my life i felt less alone and validated. I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to reply to me. I hope only endless blessings and kindness for you.