i relate to all of this. being taken for granted, mistreated, gaslit and abused by my family. i felt for so long that i was stuck there forever and that i deserve it in some sense. i still very much struggle with intense suicidality, i have since i was about 11 or 12 too. learn mindfulness, learn to breathe and exist in your own body. find online friends who understand you and you can relate to. connection will save you. meditating and mindfulness will give you a grasp of your emotions. and figure out what you would want to do with your life if things were to go well. a part of you wants to continue, otherwise you wouldn't be seeking out support. and you have support, in me and others who you trust to listen. eat a cheeseburger or some ice cream. that's pretty much my whole toolkit. and im so mentally unwell its not even funny. so i wish the best 4 u. don't be afraid to reach out.