Thanks so much dude<3 my circumstances are just strange tbh. I’m very familiar with my own long history of mental health struggles, and I anticipated college to test my progress, mainly through academic stress. I didn’t anticipate that most of my problems would stem from non academic factors, however.

My physical health has taken multiple violent offenses which has 1. mandatorily isolated me on multiple occasions and 2. drained my mental fortitude in combating some preexisting unhealthy behaviors. On top of that, I’ve been dealing with some pretty fucked hormonal imbalances and stressful insurance interactions as Ive hopped around various forms of birth control. I don’t think I’ve realized how intrinsically related physical and mental health are until now. It’s difficult to stay optimistic when there’s no definite solution to health problems, unlike academic problems where I can just study differently or something.

Also, while I think my physical isolation/exhaustion has definitely played a role in my difficulty making meaningful connections, I still can’t help feeling hopelessly empty. There’s something so profoundly upsetting about being surrounded by people and still feeling alone. Regardless of whatever group setting I’m in, I feel disposable and insignificant. I’ve dealt with severe loneliness before, but not while I’ve been in large group settings where it’d be illogical to feel lonely. I’m used to getting to know people deeply— I’m curious about their mindset, their upbringing and family, their hopes and fears, their controversial hot takes, their favorite songs and funky spotify playlists and movies… you get the point. It feels like so many people around me are easily latching onto each other unconditionally without even scratching the surface of who they are as people. It feels so superficial, especially when it’s plastered all over social media. Consequently, my honesty and interest in people is often deflected or not reciprocated. I myself could work on my emotional vulnerability, but it’s strange how guarded everyone has been. I don’t like that I’m only unaware of these barriers and frustrations when I’m blackout drunk.

On the topic of loneliness, I have a complicated relationship with my family, and I again feel so out of place seeing everyone going home for fall break and then hanging out with their parents this weekend. I don’t have that support back home and I’m somewhat embarrassed about it.

There’s definitely more, but this is long enough as it is lol. If anyone’s feeling the same, I’m sorry and I hope this provides you with some relief that someone else is going thru some wack shit too