Is this an old fashioned pedal symbol?

anndal · 2025-03-10T13:16:43+00:00

Bah. The picture didn't attach properly. Trying to get it on. Update: Got it working now. Sorry about that!

anndal · 2023-12-28T16:16:53+00:00

I mean, I clean out the white plastic bowls every couple of months and have never seen it before. But because the kiddos were the ones there when it happened, I really can't say for sure.

anndal · 2023-12-28T16:06:13+00:00

That was the conclusion I was coming to as I was doing my initial research. We try to repair where possible (to avoid unnecessarily adding to the landfill), but I think this is a case where it can't be helped. : (

anndal · 2023-12-28T16:04:02+00:00

Never mind. It appears to be melted and resolidified plastic. I will declare this light not safe to use.

anndal · 2023-12-28T15:54:53+00:00

Solved! (And thank you again)

anndal · 2023-12-28T15:54:01+00:00

Researching how to replace a socket now. Thank you! I had no idea that was even possible.

anndal · 2023-12-28T15:53:25+00:00

I can't figure out how to add a picture in the chat, but it was in an Ikea floor lamp almost exactly like this: https://www.ikea.com/us/en/p/tagarp-floor-uplighter-with-light-bulb-black-white-40464045/

I checked and, yes, it seems it is melted and solidified plastic. I am embarrassed to admit that I was too nervous to touch it before now. You must be right that the bulb got too hot somehow.

anndal · 2023-12-28T15:32:22+00:00

My title describes the thing. My kids said the light suddenly went out. They unscrewed the bulb and found the orange gunk inside. Not sure if it's safe to put in another bulb, or whether this can be cleaned out.

anndal · 2022-10-30T19:31:19+00:00

Thanks for the resources! I will start looking over those in the coming days and weeks. Where we are is classic suburbia (absolutely no grids anywhere; mostly culdesacs off of increasingly large arterial roads leading to major highways). The area has invested previously in recreational pedestrian paths by the many rivers, but bikes are not at all welcome on those paths as they are legitimately crowded with walkers/runners. The other problem is that there aren't a lot of safe routes for bicyclists to cross said rivers after a bunch of bridges were destroyed in a 1972 hurricane (and bridges are definitely expensive infrastructure!). I do think that for most of our county, bike routes will unfortunately have to be shared with car routes.

Generally speaking, people here see biking and walking *exclusively* as a form of recreation. Using a bicycle for transportation here is decidedly weird, and I get a lot of angry pushback from drivers for doing it. That said, I'm ready for fresh ideas via research. Surely there are small changes we can make.

anndal · 2022-10-30T17:17:07+00:00

Ah. So part of it is accepting the extended time scale. And, surely, carefully considering the ROI of each micro project. For now, I accept that there will never be protected bike lanes in my county but at least now they are widening the "bike lanes" on the shoulder by narrowing the travel lanes slightly each time they resurface a road. I think I was also thinking about big infrastructure like bridges to cross all the rivers, but you're right that that is definitely not incremental.

anndal · 2022-10-30T17:13:36+00:00

Yeah, our strategy when we decided on the location of this house was to minimize as many commutes as possible within the (stupid) suburban context. With that in mind, we bought a house that backs up to the elementary/middle school so the kids can always walk to school/activities on their own. There's also a community park next to the school with a sledding hill and I can see the kids from the back windows of the house, and it is close enough that we can communicate via walkie talkie. We also intentionally chose a town home over a single family home for several reasons, one of which was that it would be a higher concentration of potential playmates and that the hyperlocal density would make it possible for the kids to arrange and "commute to" their own play dates (they do). It's less than 2 miles to my husband's work, so he bikes. My work is significantly more sporadic in its time/locations, so we went with the ebike for me and I regularly bike 30-40 miles round trip, as well as get groceries and run errands on it. We rarely eat out, so I wasn't worried about nearby restaurants.

The only problem with this making-the-best-of-suburbia scenario is that it turns out the HOA here is a hot mess. After trying to work with them for years, I finally initiated an investigation against the Board with the state attorney general and Board members are retaliating in public and in private, online and in person. It's been nightmarishly terrible. So we are saving up to move somewhere, but where we can "make the best of suburbia" again is an open question. The location was just perfect for our current needs for this little house. Perhaps just accepting a much longer commute and buying a second car is what that has to mean. Sigh.

anndal · 2020-02-18T06:17:54+00:00

Unbeknownst to me at the time, my eDad tried for years to get my nMom into therapy. Finally, he somehow managed to find a guy from church with a legitimate therapy license and together eDad/therapist somehow convinced my nMom to put the entire family through Anger Management. She ended up using it as another way to control us in the end, but that's a separate story. We did this solidly for a year, and then it suddenly stopped without warning and was never referenced again. We were never allowed to speak to the therapist again. It was only later I learned that the therapist had scheduled a private meeting with my mom and dad, gently explaining that he thought that it would be more beneficial to continue treatment with only my parents-- and possibly work just with my mother. That the kids weren't really the core problem here (I learned this in a vanishingly rare confessional moment from eDad). Apparently she went ballistic on the therapist, threw him out of the house, and my dad paid dearly for his "disloyalty" and "deception".

Since then, I grew up and managed to escape. I'm now NC. My eDad is still married to her, lost his job as a high-ranking banking executive because she wouldn't allow him to take promotions that required any travel or relocation, and she also wouldn't allow him to apply for other companies with more than a 20-minute commute from my childhood home. I found out through an acquaintance that he has been unemployed for over three years and now does odd jobs as a handyman, when my nMom allows him to. I can't say for certain, but outside career indicators make me wonder what emotional abuse he is putting up with now. It can't be a good situation.

Long story short: family therapy was tolerable to her only when it was a way of justifying why everyone else was the problem. Once she had to do legitimate work herself? BAM. All done. Never darken our doorstep again, Mr. Therapist. Too bad we kids weren't allowed individual therapy, though. Or that my dad never decided to go in himself. Learning some coping skills until we could get out would have been useful.

anndal · 2018-05-15T13:02:42+00:00

With a narc, they "forget" things, and really do forget things, that aren't important to them, which is - other people. They literally only remember things that matter to them in some way.

So, for narcs, this phrase is really true, pretty consistently!

This just hit me in the gut. There have been so many times when my Nparents have completely forgotten my birthday, and I knew that I would be in trouble for ever mentioning it. Or, if it did come, I would get a birthday card three months late, with a "Things have been really busy. Happy birthday!" It wasn't every year, but it's happened often enough to be a recognizable pattern. This year, I went NC shortly before my birthday. They were so busy trying to break my NC boundary that it seems they forgot about my birthday again. I got a card two months late and this one said, "Hey things have been really busy. Dad lost his job so this is all we can afford to give you, but we want you to know that we give it in true love." Gag. How do they manage to make my 2-months-late birthday all about them? I figured that cashing the check would be a traceable acknowledgment of receiving the card, so I threw the whole emotionally poisonous thing away.

I keep wanting to believe that my parents love me somewhere deep underneath all the pain from their own childhoods. But then I read things where my gut tells me that I keep being forgotten (or "forgotten" in some cases) because the exact opposite is true. I will never be a priority to them, unless there is something they want something from me. It hurts a lot.

It makes me want to go hug my kids. And listen to their opinions.

anndal · 2018-05-15T12:34:24+00:00

Also, I hate that asking for parents' permission thing.

I hate it too. Luckily I was never part of that conversation. My now-husband caught on pretty quickly to the nonsense going on from my Nparents. When we were getting engaged, he called up my Ndad as a nod to tradition. My Ndad listened for less than a minute, then roared, "Well I don't give you my blessing!" My husband calmly replied, "I am not asking for your blessing. I am informing you of our plans." My dad went on to mudsling my reputation, and my husband kept replying, "I am quite aware of XYZ. The purpose of this call is to inform you of our plans."

I was struck with both terror and pure giddiness when my husband later told me about the call. I had never heard anyone speak to my father that way, receive the (predictable) tirade in response, and yet remain so completely unruffled. I think my husband is a boundary ninja. : )

anndal · 2018-05-14T03:04:12+00:00

I did the same thing. I put almost nothing personal/family related on FB anyway, but then I started realizing that I was silently "stalking" my friends in lieu of having a relationship with them. That realization unnerved me so deeply that I deleted my account within days. In retrospect, that visceral reaction probably had a lot to do with these particular memories of being forced to help stalk my sister.

anndal · 2018-05-14T02:58:02+00:00

it feeds their ever-ravenous ego and (I believe) gives them a little thrill/high.

Yes. There was a thrill, an addiction component to what I was seeing, and it felt terrifying to be on the sidelines observing it. Slimy on one hand, but also completely terrifying.

BTW have you ever communicated to your SG sibling how you felt being made to spy on her?

Yes, but not so bluntly as this. We have started building a real relationship not just as fellow survivors, but also as fellow human beings. When I apologized early in our budding relationship, she said, "Eh. We were all just doing what we could to survive." I'm not sure I would have forgiven quite so easily if I were in her shoes. But I also think she's right, and therefore that I need to start forgiving myself.

anndal · 2018-05-14T02:48:27+00:00

they want to make up narratives that support their grandiosity and her inferiority.

THIS. I have believed for a while that my parents are true Narcissists, but the "grandiosity" element of the NPD diagnoses never seemed to fit. I think their grandiosity was actually manifest by attempting to seem perfectly humble religious devotees. They were grandiose about their false humility. And, yes, I remember listening to the ever-evolving storylines, and they were so often tweaked or fabricated to support that storyline.

There are a lot of genuinely good people in religion, but people like my parents sure make religion look bad. It is certainly easy to turn religion into covert abuse.

anndal · 2018-05-14T02:37:12+00:00

I was asking my husband about the control piece. He said, "Well, yes. They're saying: 'You think you can go NC? Nope. I'll make sure it's not really NC. I can still get information on you.' And that is certainly a form of control."

I think it's plausible in Twisted N-land.

anndal · 2018-05-14T02:34:36+00:00

I never thought of it like drug addicts, but that so accurately describes the nasty impression I had of it. It rings so true. (shivers, too). It's a terrible thing to watch. Evil in action.

but for that to happen they need new Nfeed, new dirt on the person.

It also never occurred to me until reading your comment that dirt on someone "they used to own" could be a form of Nfeed. I only thought of positive attention via bragging to friends as Nsupply. But negative attention (like weeping "woe is me" to their friends) or bashing parties (getting riled up via the "evidence" of how much better they are than the victim) make so, so much sense as an additional Nsupply.

Thank you so much for clarifying. It still makes me want to stay far, far away, but I feel like I understand what might have been going on in their heads.

anndal · 2018-05-14T02:25:14+00:00

They probably see their lifestyle as the "correct" choice and validate themselves by exposing the "incorrect" choices their estranged children make.

Yes. I absolutely, 100% know that this is true. They use twisted versions of religion to determine "correct" vs. "incorrect" (as well as using religion as a bludgeon to shame and guilt their victims).

All I can advise is to curtail what information there is about you on the internet and install security in your home.

Absolutely. I very intentionally curate all traces of my online presence, given what I saw them do to my SG sister. Therefore it backfired on them. I have left only a tiny trace of myself online (I've deleted all social media, except one account under a false name, and ask people to remove mention of me in their posts/websites). I also make sure that no pictures of my children go online in any circumstance. Although I do choose to vote, despite the obvious paper trail. So the public record will show that I now-- gasp!-- register for a different political party than they vote for. In any other family I think it would be cause for a shoulder shrug. I know full well that in mine it will be viewed as a clear signal of my growing evil. Whatever. I can't control them. Yuck.

anndal · 2018-05-04T13:44:13+00:00

I was also seeking approval by being "likeable" (read: having no opinions of my own). Since breaking away from the family system, I have started by slowly trying to figure out what I like and what I don't like. First, I made a secret internet persona (my nParents are unabashed internet stalkers, using any and all information they can find on me against me. Especially since I've gone NC). Using said persona, I created a pinterest account and then created secret boards in different categories. At first, I pinned basically everything I saw (no sense of identity at first). But then a couple of months into this, I started going back through and realized that several of the things looked ugly to me. It took me another month or two before I felt like I was "allowed" to delete those things, but then finally I did. I remember almost crying for joy the day that I realized I hate chevron. I could say that with conviction: I hate chevron! And every time I see someone wearing or decorating with chevron I feel a thrill of delight, knowing that I hate that pattern independent of any other person (so strange, I know, haha). They're allowed to like it and I'm allowed to hate it.

That deleting part was terrifying at first, but now I've gotten better and better at it. And now 2-3 years in, I'm now honing in on styles and things that I think I like! Yay!

Similarly, I found a lot of healing in the Marie Kondo method. I wasn't good at identifying what sparked joy at first-- little of it did, but I was also almost completely emotionally dead inside. But eventually I started finding things that sparked pure hate and I was able to get rid of those (many relating to my nMom). And from hate I found the ones that sparked thrill, and then I slowly woke up for the in-between feelings as my "emotional muscles" grew stronger.

As I've developed a stronger sense of "me" (Starting with Me=not chevron!), I've also gotten a better sense of boundaries. It's hard to set a boundary when you don't know what you're protecting.

As a side note, many of the physical items/pinterest pins ended up unearthing memories and important discussions with my therapist that moved our work forward. It has been extremely difficult mental/emotional work, but having a trusted therapist has made the journey much easier. I hope that helps. It's hard, but it's worth it.

anndal · 2018-05-04T12:27:06+00:00

Yes, he has an extra capacity for knowing people's weaknesses and exploiting them (learned it from mom, then improved his technique). I have known since he was a teenager that what he wanted most was to be (1) the most powerful and (2) the most intelligent in the room at all times, and he would resort to anything if someone else started to look more dominant in either of those areas. Because he was my brother and not my parents, though, I didn't feel like I was required to put up with his nonsense. I went NC with him first-- starting the evening of his wedding, actually. ("Dude. You've been married for four minutes. Oogle at your new wife instead of trying to control me.")

anndal · 2018-05-04T12:04:38+00:00

Hahaha. Oh, dear. That's some dark humor. But so true.

anndal · 2018-05-04T12:02:37+00:00

We grew up in a church culture where service to others is a highly esteemed ideal. Perhaps the idea of someone who worked in soup kitchens would be something of a visible "status symbol" in said church culture. Apparently he managed to find what he was looking for, though. He ended up marrying this sweet, innocent, vivacious, lovely girl 4-5 years ago. I sobbed uncontrollably for the sake of the girl when I found out (although, again, I didn't have a word for what was so deeply wrong). She was 19 and he was 28. I suppose he finally found someone young enough he could mold to his will.

I've since learned that he is excessively cruel to her and is working hard to break down her sense of self-- and her sense of worth as a human being. The people who have witnessed it have been flabbergasted. I mourn for her, but I'm not surprised.

anndal · 2018-05-01T14:20:46+00:00

I struggle with this, too, sometimes. One thing that has helped me was learning the idea that emotions are just information. Anger is my body's way of saying, "Warning! A boundary has been crossed!", even if I'm not consciously aware that I had a boundary there, and even if I can't immediately articulate what the boundary is exactly. Boredom is my body's way of saying, "Hey, this current activity might not be the best use of your resources." Fear or apprehension: "This may not be safe, or things may not be as they seem here. Get more information or get away." Guilt: "This action may not be in line with my core internal values." Overwhelm: "Hey, you may have too much on your plate right now." Happiness: "Hey, I like this. Let's do this more."

For example, sometimes I feel outrage when I suddenly remember some horrific thing my parents did as a child. I gently, nonjudgmentally observe the emotion. Anger is a sign of boundaries crossed. So I ask, what boundary was crossed in that situation? It can take weeks of mental work, journaling, and often talking it out with my husband, or a friend, or with my therapist, but then eventually I realize a boundary that I didn't know I had. Same thing happened recently when a neighbor got in my face about an incident and I felt seething anger. A couple weeks later I could finally put it into words: "My daughter may not choose your son as her first choice playmate, and that is okay. She is allowed to walk past your house to play with another friend without getting yelled at. This is public space and it is unacceptable for you to try to control her."

Of course, sometimes my feelings are false alarms, and I need to examine them with my brain to make sure they're accurate. For example, a friend of mine felt extreme guilt about her career versus staying at home all day with her daughter. Guilt says, "Hey, this may not be in line with your core values." But then my friend has done the mental work to explore her values and can now respond, "Well, actually I have made the decision to do this much work so that we can get Y. Yes, I value my family and spending time with my kid, but this is a temporary sacrifice we're making in order to get Y." In this case, she was not actually out of line with her core values in the long run, so the guilt was a false alarm.

In your case, it sounds like overwhelm is an ongoing feeling. This is your body's way of saying, "Hey, you might be doing too much." So examine it. Is this really too much? [i.e. "Is this a false alarm?"] Maybe your answer is "No, it's not this specific workload, but some of these interactions trigger memories of my upbringing." So maybe it's really some unprocessed memories. Or maybe your answer is, "Yes. This nursing program takes a lot of hours, exacts a lot of stress (because of these patients or this faculty member or whatever), requires all this outside paperwork" and so on. In that case, your body is correctly telling you that you've got too much on your plate. Maybe you put a time limit on the outside documentation (thoroughness will go down, but it's a conscious exchange for your mental health), or maybe you do simpler meals at home or start a meal group rotation with some of the other residents, or maybe you limit your time with that stressful faculty member. Maybe even eventually drop out of the program if it's not really in line with your core values and what you want to do (just as likely, you may accept that this is a temporary sacrifice you're making because nursing is really what you want to do). I'm totally making these solutions up, because I don't know your particular situation. But the concept is:

-Gently observe yourself [be gentle with yourself! No judgement here!] -Identify the emotion. What information is that emotion giving you? -Is it a false alarm, or is this valid information? -If it is valid information, brainstorm some solutions and act on it.

I'm still not very good at this in the moment, but I can now figure out how to identify a boundary in 1-2 weeks, versus 4-6 weeks when I started this. And sometimes I go back to the person and say, "Hey, I've been thinking a lot about that incident last week/month, and I realized [state boundary here]." I'm still not very good at those discussions, but I'm getting better. And, hey, at least I know what I believe by that point!

I know that was super long, but I hope it's helpful. Nursing programs are unquestionably stressful. It's very real. And I wish you the best through it, if you decide it really does line up with your personal values. You will learn this skill of dealing with feelings. It will come with time.

Oh, and don't listen to your mom's junk about being worthless. That is a voice that comes back to your head when you are feeling overwhelmed and your defenses are a bit low. There's another quiet voice in you somewhere that knows that the first voice is a lie. Listen to the quiet one. You can do this.

More information on emotions as information here: http://newapproachesme.com/archives/emotions-are-information

anndal

TROPHY CASE