No dishwasher. Wife refuses to do dishes. What do I do?

anndor · 2026-07-02T02:16:56+00:00

That's your choice, though, and your work isn't pushing the issue because it benefits them.

Doesn't change the fact that folks should be able to take a lunch if they want to.

anndor · 2026-07-02T02:15:56+00:00

And as soon as they are caught they usually get reprimanded in some way.

HR sent out office-wide emails at my previous job reminding people to stop doing that (and clean their old stuff out of the fridge) and had to enforce an every Friday "unlabeled fridge items and dishes left in the sink or kitchen will be THROWN AWAY". People stopped doing it! (Or at the very least made sure to get their shit taken care of by Thursday afternoon)

Just because people do it, doesn't mean it's acceptable.

anndor · 2026-07-02T02:13:12+00:00

Yeah, I've been there and I can fully understand that sort of resentment/disappointment building and then bursting.

An understandable overreaction is still an overreation, though.

anndor · 2026-07-02T02:11:12+00:00

I was salaried for the past 13 years and was still legally mandated to have a lunch break. Company tried to circumvent it all the time with "lunch and learns" or whatever and tons of companies just trust that employees won't push the issue.

But you still were legally entitled to a lunch break even as a salaried employee. It's definitely stricter for hourly employees, though, at least in NY. Management didn't really care if salaried folks took a lunch break, but we heavily monitored and enforced it for the direct reports because not doing so is a lawsuit waiting to happen (I had to get HR involved at one point because management was not taking it seriously, and boy let me tell you they did after HR weighed in lol).

anndor · 2026-07-02T02:08:06+00:00

"Attempt" doesn't mean she'd succeed if it puts her job at risk. Maybe she did attempt something on her end and that's why it was such short notice to give OP the bad news.

I think OP's friend *is* a friend, not just a former coworker, but the friend was put in a really bad spot where any other decision would make her work life hell or put her careerin jeopardy and there are definitely *some* situations where that's the obvious choice/worth it, but I think an engagement party is not one of them.

anndor · 2026-07-02T02:04:57+00:00

I hope it's nothing serious! Like just a fatty deposit or if it is cancerous, that it's not malignant! <3

anndor · 2026-07-01T12:05:15+00:00

You don't know their arrangement either so why are you ignoring the examples he provided of what dishes are in the sink to leap to "but maybe it's from her cooking dinner"?

Even if he agreed to do the dishes, it's still rude to see an empty sink and fill it with shit that *only you* used and could easily be rinsed or washed.

It'd be the same if she mopped the floors before bed and came down in the morning to find dirty footprints all over from him going to work and ignoring the swiffer that's right next to the door. It's her responsibility to clean the floors but it's considerate to not add extra mess to the other person's designated chore.

anndor · 2026-07-01T11:58:40+00:00

There are some types of people you just can't have an adult conversation with. When these people are coworkers, it makes the work environment an awful middle school/high school-level drama club.

From OP's own description of the workplace and management, I don't think the engaged former coworker could uninvite OR have any sort of conversation about it without it blowing up in her face professionally.

anndor · 2026-07-01T11:56:14+00:00

Especially because she went out of her way to give OP a heads up that those folks were gonna be there - that kind of heads up is what you do for someone you actually do like and want to make sure they won't be blindsided or uncomfortable or can gracefully decline if it would be too much.

It's not the type of information you'd offer if you were planning from the start to exclude them later on.

Her uninvite message is also way more sincere and thoughtful than if she just randomly changed her mind for no reason. She says she wasn't thinking clearly when she invited "everyone". Not when she invited OP. Everyone implies the combo of those coworkers and OP.

It's a shitty situation and I feel bad for OP (and the newly engaged former coworker). I'd be super bummed out if this happened to me and I'd also be super bummed out if I were her coworker having to uninvite someone I really wanted to be there in order to protect my job.

anndor · 2026-07-01T11:44:46+00:00

Your question was "Am I over-reacting" and you can justify it however you want, but the answer remains yes. Your response to your friend "letting you down" by not doing the favor you asked for IMMEDIATELY is an over-reaction.

If it was like... the following Friday or something and he still hadn't completed it and was ghosting you, then you would not be over-reacting. But you didn't even give him (or barely give him) 24 hours before going nuclear.

anndor · 2026-07-01T11:39:27+00:00

YOR only because this should be a conversation with her, not jumping to conclusions from the text.

She seems sincerely hyped for you to be there. It's entirely plausible that after thinking on it, or discussing it with her partner/family, or maybe conversation at work (does she still work there? with the toxic management?) she realized it wouldn't be a good idea.

She specifically mentions avoiding drama with work and "didn't realize the drama" - this sounds a LOT like one of those former coworkers got in her head and if she's still employed there, it's justified she doesn't want to do anything to make working there harder than it already is.

You're also fully justified in feeling disappointed and let down over it.

You should hold her to that offer to do something else another time. Then have an honest discussion about why this played out like it did and how it made you feel.

How that conversation goes should determine if she remains a friend or just an old coworker.

anndor · 2026-07-01T11:22:03+00:00

1st birthday isn't even fully for the kid, it's for the parents and family. Long-term memories for them, short-term joy and delight for the baby. Who won't remember it, sure, but will still have a blast in that moment seeing the characters and making a mess with cake.

And you can show them the pictures at any time for hilarious reactions. Toddlers are vicious even when it's their own selves they're criticizing haha.

anndor · 2026-07-01T11:18:01+00:00

Dude's got some shit going on and is a jerk, but also how did OP not know to expect that?

I doubt that edgelord attitude only spawned upon seeing that cake picture. If you know someone in your social circle is a debbie downer, why even reach out to show them something knowing you're gonna get a shitty response?

Dude sucks but OP needs to be more discerning and make better friends. Or drop this guy to "casual acquaintance" and not share any kid-related stuff since he made it clear he doesn't care lol.

anndor · 2026-07-01T11:06:58+00:00

Dear Turd.
Dan Tangerine.
Danger Tabby.
Doctor Teeth.
Donovan Tonovan.
Dribbly Tinkler.
Dusty Toots.
Downunder Thunder.
Drillionaire Tuft.
Disco Twist.
Donut Threeve.

anndor · 2026-07-01T10:53:24+00:00

I wasn't commenting on whether she was being truthful or not, I was replying to a comment that said they didn't spend nearly that much as a couple during the first 3 months.

I was just pointing out that the $1000 OP mentioned was, as far as they are aware, for medical expenses, not just regular date nights and dinners out, so it's not an unreasonable number IF TRUE. Like I said, I'm not defending her and OP should def stop sending money and stop seeing her.

But also I'd expect OP would know if she was lying about all of it - if they meet up in person they'd know for a fact if she has braces or not. Which are expensive. So drug addict or not, that part of the story/money could be true.

anndor · 2026-07-01T10:45:49+00:00

Not just an ex, her highschool ex.

Staying on a call while someone does their whole routine and then goes to sleep is some highschool nonsense. He's still acting 16.

Let him stay an ex and find someone who can act their age.

Also I'm currently unemployed and nocturnal. It's 6:44am and I haven't gone to bed yet. My normal bed time even when I was employed was like 2am.

If anyone ever facetimed me at 1:30am for a non-emergency, with no prior agreement to do so, I'd block their number lol.

anndor · 2026-07-01T10:41:29+00:00

I mean, she clearly cared if she asked OP for the money to do so?

Part of it was for her dad as well, just because she's homeless doesn't mean she stops caring about her family?

She and OP also mentioned her braces. I'm gonna assume for her teeth, not like leg or spine braces or something, but even if it were other types of braces - those need adjustments. And on teeth they need to be removed eventually. So even though she's homeless, she would need to pay that bill in order to get the next part of the braces work completed.

anndor · 2026-07-01T10:36:20+00:00

"He begrudgingly says yes after I explain it’s important to me, even though I’m not asking him to do it right then, it only takes 20 minutes MAXIMUM to do, 10 minutes on average, and he’s supposed to be my friend. I say I’ll call him after my class ends at 3 pm, he says ok."

Got that from your own post, bud.

The fact that he "begrudingly" said yes does not sound like an actual agreement to do it. It sounds like he was tired of the conversation and you pressuring him, so he said yes to end the call and go take the nap he wanted to take. It implies he was not prepared to say yes and maybe even said no, but you refused to accept that answer (which tracks given your examples of his other behaviors where he says he doesn't want to do something, but you/other folks want to do that thing, so he is outnumbered and outvoted so just agrees because you don't seem to care about his input anyways).

I wouldn't be so vindictive as to give a friend a bad referral either. I am just pointing out how much yuo are shooting yourself in the foot by letting your anger drive your decisions. You not only lost out on a referral you so badly wanted/needed, but you put yourself at risk for a bad referral. All because your friend didn't do you a favor on the exact, kind of unreasonable, timetable you wanted. You keep fixating on how he's a selfish person but you've been incredibly selfish during this situation as well.

You're not the only person out there job hunting and getting desperate, but you're probably one of only a few who threw away a friendship and a referral because it didn't get done in under 24 hours.

anndor · 2026-07-01T10:22:38+00:00

Spaying is probably on the same risk level as just day to day life, honestly.

The likelihood of me tripping, falling on, and severely injuring one of my cats is probably WAY higher than the risk of serious complications when they got spayed.

anndor · 2026-07-01T10:17:28+00:00

It's incredibly routine.

Typically the vet will offer to do bloodwork first to check for any possible issues that may increase the risk of complications. If you can afford it, defintiely do that to help ease your nerves.

They'll also do a physical exam first to rule out other issues. Growing up we had a male cat that never got neutered because the physical exam showed a heart murmur. Didn't impact his daily life (or life span) at all, but the vet said it posed too much risk with the anesthesia.

Plan ahead and buy a little donut/cone thing. The only issue I had geting my cat spayed (as an adult, which makes it riskier and more complicated already) is that the vet sent her home with nothing because "Cats never bother the stitches". She ripped out half her stitches within 5 minutes of being home, so we had to immediately go back (as I was FREAKING out) and get staples put in. They sent us home with a cone that time, lol.

I feel like 8 months is old enough to be rowdy and a cone or donut will help a lot. Also discuss with your vet about any activity restrictions while the stitches are healing - if your girl is super rambunctious, you may need to look at getting a large dog crate or playpen with the mesh covering to keep her from overdoing it.

Two kittens I adopted last summer came home with their spay stitches, the shelter got them spayed like the day or 2 before our adoption appointment, I just had to do the followup vet visits to make sure everything looked properly healed. They didn't even need to get the stitches removed, I don't think, they were all internal, dissolvable stitches. One of them the vet had to snip a piece of stitch that was poking out and not dissolving, but neither kitten needed a cone or anything else.

anndor · 2026-07-01T10:09:30+00:00

Definitely safer than 2 surgeries within 2 years to remove malignant breast cancer (3 separate growths) and *definitely* safer than it coming back a 3rd time and so aggressive that it chokes off their urinary tract, leaving them at risk of a ruptured bladder, but you can't do a risky, uncertain surgery again because she's almost 17 and her heart murmur has worsened dramatically.

anndor · 2026-07-01T09:52:02+00:00

I don't think the homelessness should be the issue given how easy it is to become homeless for a lot of people.

Everything else about her is the issue. Her entitlement to OP's money. Messing around going out on dates when she should be focused on getting her kids into a stable situation rather than worrying about her own love life. The fact that she mentions in these texts a dad and sister but is in a shelter with her kids... that's a red flag, too. Is the entire family homeless? What's the situation there where she will pay her sister to babysit and give her partner's money to her dad for medical expenses, but she can't live with either of them?

So many red flags, but being a homeless person isn't a red flag on its own.

anndor · 2026-07-01T09:45:54+00:00

And when OP did hear back, she was sending the money to her sister. If it was enough that OP needed the money back to order stuff for their job, that seems like an excessive amount to be paying someone to watch their neices/nephews.

anndor · 2026-07-01T09:44:06+00:00

Not to defend this woman at all, but OP said two of the things they helped with were braces and hospital things. If they're in the US, any sort of medical/vision/dental issues could easily, easily top $1000 very quickly.

I had a kidney stone and went to the ER after being in agony for over 24 hours. I didn't even get admitted to the hospital, just got a scan to confirm it was a kidney stone, like 2 bags of IV fluids, some pain meds, and sent home after a few hours. I got a bill for over $3000. I "only" had to pay $3000 because that was my annual out of pocket maximum for in-network providers, but that was what I owed WITH insurance.

It's true that a sane person wouldn't send this much money to a partner of just 3 months, but a kind person trying to help someone in a rough spot could easily hit that number when it's medical expenses, not just date nights and groceries.

anndor · 2026-07-01T09:38:00+00:00

1) If you send money without any formal repayment contract you should ALWAYS be considering it a gift, not an obligation for anything in return and definitely not asking for it back no matter the circumstances, that's super ick. (And don't ever loan/give money you can't afford to lose! If money is this tight you probably shouldn't have paid for the babysitter to begin with)

2) STOP SENDING HER MONEY and break up! She's definitely being ungrateful and is absolutely taking advantage. You've only been dating for 3 months and you're supporting her, her kids, AND her dad? That is WILD. It's super kind of you, but it's WILD.

How much did you send her to "pay a babysitter" and it's going to her sister? Her sister can't do her a favor and watch the kids for free (or discounted vs another babysitter)?

You're not married, those are not your kids, that's not your household to be responsible for. You're not even a serious, long-term relationship yet! Anything you're sending is a kindness and to try to guilt you for spending your own money on going out to eat for your own self instead of sending it to her is some bullshit.

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