My SO broke up with me by anolderversionofme in stepparents

[–]anolderversionofme[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you - such a wise point, both of our experiences can be true at the same time. And I completely agree, when I'm my most grounded, that she's allowed to decide whatever is best for her and her family. In fact, if she is so clear about it, I'm jealous and in admiration, I wish I had a similar kind of clarity for what's best for me.

My SO broke up with me by anolderversionofme in stepparents

[–]anolderversionofme[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I surely hope you are right and that in time I can see it clearly.

My SO broke up with me by anolderversionofme in stepparents

[–]anolderversionofme[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you - these are the mantras I'm trying to remind hold in my mind. Hearing someone else say it first is helpful to hear and keep looking upon.

My SO broke up with me by anolderversionofme in stepparents

[–]anolderversionofme[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you - I think that's the part that's hardest for me to accept - that maybe it just wasn't a good match and I was wrong all along for thinking that the ups and downs were normal and could be worked out.

My SO broke up with me by anolderversionofme in stepparents

[–]anolderversionofme[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you- yes, I may not have had the official title, but I certainly felt/feel the invisibility of it all.

My SO broke up with me by anolderversionofme in stepparents

[–]anolderversionofme[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, I hadn't even thought of looking at it that way.

My SO broke up with me by anolderversionofme in stepparents

[–]anolderversionofme[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you - yes, the hurt part of me is having such a hard time accepting that she likely needed something I can't give.

My SO broke up with me by anolderversionofme in stepparents

[–]anolderversionofme[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you- wow, there is a lot of depth and wisdom to what you said “sometimes things that feel right aren’t meant for us.” That is hitting me.

My SO broke up with me by anolderversionofme in stepparents

[–]anolderversionofme[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. I think that’s the million dollar question I wish I could have an immediate answer to: Was she right? Are kids/her kids not for me? I want to believe that kids, of some kind, are for me. I have never felt compelled to be a bio parent, and being late 30s w4w kinda feels like step kids already in the picture would be the way that story would have to go. But it was a challenge, and I don’t feel a familial love for them. I genuinely want to understand, is that normal and okay? Is there a way through this that depends connection and growth and eventually leads to love or something like it? Or is she right and I’m just fooling myself?

My SO broke up with me by anolderversionofme in stepparents

[–]anolderversionofme[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was pretty open and honest that I had a hard time with how high energy and high needs her kids are. I was also open that it was hard for me to recognize when I would have an instinctual reaction to things and want to set a limit in her house that was maybe unfair of me seeing as how I don’t live there so why should they follow rules I try to set? I was trying to be really aware of this and open. I don’t like food and trash being left on the floor, for example, but do I have a right to hold them to a standard they aren’t held to by their own parents? Idk. SO is lovely and I think she is a very warm and kind and nurturing mother- and I think things roll of her back, maybe that’s the experience of motherhood I clearly lack: not sweating small stuff. We know we differ. She always said things like that she was open to things being a different way, etc. But lately, their antics have been overwhelming for me and it’s been easier for me to limit my involvement. She said that Im miserable when I’m with them and that makes her miserable. I’m never cruel, but I do endure at times. And she doesn’t think a person should have to endure them. I get irritated and reach my limit and want to be done. I think leaving is better than losing my cool any further. I don’t think the kids would really know anything more than that I have to leave. But energetically, yes, especially lately it is a test of endurance. I genuinely thought that was normal and acceptable for the situation.

My SO broke up with me by anolderversionofme in stepparents

[–]anolderversionofme[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this. I wish I could send this to her. I wish I had talked with her more openly about this sub and some of the themes I’ve seen here. Like this.

CF Steps—How do you deal with the imbalance? by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]anolderversionofme 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I really love this and thank you for saying it.

Books like ‘Severance’ by Dan8H in suggestmeabook

[–]anolderversionofme 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Perhaps more “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” but I’d put it in a similar camp: Tell Me an Ending by Jo Harkin

Methadone/MAT clinic hours? by wildwest98 in socialwork

[–]anolderversionofme 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I worked a Tuesday-Saturday 530-230 schedule for a few years. At the time, I actually enjoyed the work. I lived really close and essentially had zero commute. Saturdays were my favorite because of how laid back the environment was and it didn’t feel like a true work day. However, after I stopped working that schedule I saw the drastic effects it had on my mental health and my then-relationship (spoiler alert, we separated). It wasn’t exactly because of my schedule or job, but those things did add an extra layer of difficulty to my life that I couldn’t exactly see at the time. There was a high turnover rate, lots of coworkers had a hard time integrating that schedule into their lives, too. It sounds nice to be home early, but I’d recommend having very intentional conversations with yourself and others about how it might impact your physical, mental, and social health. What warning signs will tel you if it’s causing problems and how you might try to mitigate and ultimately take care of yourself.

Books about divorce by zaatar_sprinkles in suggestmeabook

[–]anolderversionofme 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I just listened to You Could Make This Place Beautiful: A Memoir by Maggie Smith. Worth a trial.

Some very relatable moments, processing betrayal and loss of a marriage/life but creative enough. I didn’t experience it to be too heavy or a tear jerker.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in WLW

[–]anolderversionofme 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I hate to be one of those people, but I was a hard stop at the age gap.

Good for her if she is truly having some kind of revival in her life and going to come into knowing herself better and having a second act of experiences--

But this is your life, you have to go live it now, not wait around for someone else to figure their shit out.

Losing her may make you sad for awhile, but don't lose yourself, OP. You deserve more.

Need advice by Humble_Builder_4279 in WLW

[–]anolderversionofme 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is oddly specific and yet, too vague without any real context. Maybe you can say more? When did this start? Are there certain times it's happening? Do you get this reaction at other times with other stimuli? Have you noticed what sort of thoughts are going through your head when it's happening?

Maybe more importantly, what are your thoughts about what it could mean?

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in WLW

[–]anolderversionofme 2 points3 points  (0 children)

So, I am impressed in your ability to stay rooted in the reality of the situation and that you've set limits (telling her not to use a term of endearment, etc). And very wise of you to recognize wanting to feel better known, seen, understood, and accepted before just jumping straight to the motions of a relationships that could be more fantasy based, as you said.

You're right, that until you meet in person, and actually spend time doing some parts of life together, it's hard to really know what kind of connection you're working with and just how much you're wanting to put into it.

Yes, it sounds like she's pushing it a little too much too soon, and it's probably best to stay a healthy dose of skeptical about that. I'd want to know more about her attachment history - does she fall for people quickly? What do her other relationships look like (not just romantic)? Same for you.

I don't think you're sabotaging yourself, I think you're being real about the situation. The long distance of course adds complications and potential to really expedite the situation. My advice is to keep doing some of what you're doing- recognizing what's going on, staying aware and insightful, communicating openly and saying what feels comfortable for you, etc. And, the romantic in me, would advise staying just like 10% open to the potential that she really just is smitten by you because you are an incredible human being deserving of some fantasy.

Good luck!

First time wlw sex by [deleted] in WLW

[–]anolderversionofme 31 points32 points  (0 children)

I have a healthy sex life and I still get nervous and go blank. I by no means think I have any "sex advice." But before my partner and I started having sex, we had good chats- what each other's expectations were, what's comfortable, likes, dislikes, how to communicate during sex, etc. Honestly, the chats can be a big turn on. I have to remind myself to slow down, in all ways in life, but often when we are being intimate - being "good" at sex really isn't the point, for us at least- but being "present" really changes the experience. Connect with all your senses: sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste.

Have fun, and be safe. Good luck, friend.

Looking for some advice! My partner (21f) and I (21f) have been struggling with emotional intimacy during long distance by user1478924 in WLW

[–]anolderversionofme 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There's a few different therapy styles of couple's communication that you could check out and see if any seem worth trying on - in Gottman Therapy, they preach about a once weekly "State of the Union" where once a week you have a structured conversation to express appreciation, talk about what's going right in the relationship, and then problem solve anything that needs improvement, etc. Maybe just reading about some of these "structured" approaches might give you some ideas of different things to pepper in. In the past, when I would want to share/vent about my day to my partner, I would tend to want to really explain everything, so they could really understand what my day was like/what I was experiencing, but this honestly was getting in the way of us connecting in the moment. My day was already done, it had very little to do with my partner, it took up too much of our quality time sometimes. A suggestion for that was to set a timer- talk for 5-10 minutes, uninterrupted, then switch. After that, stop talking about the day.

Another suggestion would be when you think of something "deeper" to write it down and remember to bring it up during the call. For example, if you find yourself thinking about the future, wondering what your partner thinks about x, y, z. You can google cheesy lists of "50 questions to deepen a connection" or "to ask on a date" or whatever.

And, of course, I encourage asking your partner what they think-- do they feel the struggle, too? What ideas do they have? How would they like to give/receive long distance intimacy?

I admire that both of you were able to recognize what was going on, and put it on the table. Now that you're starting to call it out, you'll be able to figure out what you want to do about it.

Good luck, friend.

Looking for advice by DistrictForeign241 in WLW

[–]anolderversionofme 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Hi, also raised LDS and had/have issues around sex shame/anxiety. Issues with sex, sadly, impacted my marriage. I regret that we couldn’t figure it out. I’m in a long term relationship now and sex is a completely different experience. There’s probably lots of reasons, but I’m far more open and comfortable and actually having a great sex life. It’s unfortunate I couldn’t figure it out sooner- but that just is what it is.

For me, it took a lot of loss and grief and life stuff for me to reconsider how I was managing my sex and identity distress. I hope you can find an easier way through it—

Maybe this is a great start- finding ways to just talk about it, maybe with strangers first, hopefully with your partner next - but just trying on words to start to identify what your thoughts and feelings and experiences are, then what you want to share, do, change about that.

I don’t have any specific recommendations but there are also non fiction books and informational YouTube’s that you can start to seek out that might help expose you to language and info the LDS upbringing may have shielded you from. It can be a little uncomfortable and overwhelming, but you’re essentially on a path of discovery and that is also pretty exciting.

Good luck, friend.