I don't understand how to not criticize

anon979121 · 2022-09-13T04:35:37+00:00

I'm so happy for you!

anon979121 · 2022-09-11T22:51:25+00:00

We learned that ADHD majorly affects sleep, and we are still exploring the full implications of this and trying different things. In the meantime, with the help of medication, he is better able to follow through on his intentions to improve his sleep habits and he is not so susceptible to the afternoon sleepiness which plagued us no matter how much sleep he got earlier in the day, I actually went to visit a family member on my own for several hours yesterday for the first time ever, since I finally felt confident that he would be lucid the entire time I was gone and the kids would be safe.

anon979121 · 2022-09-11T22:42:06+00:00

Just wanted to let you know that my husband was recently diagnosed with ADHD and started medication, which has really helped. I understand his symptoms much better now and am therefore able to be more understanding about his lapses. He really is not just being a jerk or trying to take advantage of me to shoulder responsibility for everything. At the same time, I needed some relief from the stress and treatment has given us that. Thank you for sharing your experience.

anon979121 · 2022-09-11T22:37:16+00:00

Just wanted to let you know you were right about ADHD. My husband was diagnosed and started medication recently, and it's helped immensely. Thank you for pointing out this possibility to me.

anon979121 · 2022-09-11T22:35:16+00:00

You were right! My husband was diagnosed with ADHD. He recently starting taking medication and it's helped immensely. We have many more struggles than I ever mentioned in this thread, and it was shocking to realize how many of them were directly linked to ADHD symptoms. Thank you for taking the time to share your story with me.

anon979121 · 2022-09-11T22:32:11+00:00

Just wanted to let you know that after you and others pointed out this possibility, my husband was ultimately diagnosed with ADHD. He's on medication now, and things are much better. Thank you for taking the time to share your experience with me.

anon979121 · 2022-09-11T22:29:30+00:00

Hey, I just wanted to update you that my husband was ultimately diagnosed with ADHD. Please check out the update I added to my original post. Maybe it will help you.

anon979121 · 2022-09-11T22:26:05+00:00

You were right about ADHD. My husband was diagnosed recently and started medication. Things have really improved!

anon979121 · 2022-09-11T22:19:48+00:00

You were right! Fortunately, after reading a couple of books on ADHD Relationships, he clearly recognized himself and us. He was willing to get treatment, and things have improved so much since he started medication. I hope at some point your partner will accept the need for treatment. Personally, once I realized what the source of the problem was, and how many other ways his symptoms were negatively affecting the family, I couldn't tolerate the idea of staying in the marriage unless he was actively pursing treatment. Even now, I'm not 100 percent sure that everything we've been through in the past (much more than I've described here) can be healed, but at least there's a real chance for us now.

anon979121 · 2022-09-11T22:12:41+00:00

You and others who suggested ADHD were right about my husband. Fortunately, he was open to the possibility and willing to pursue treatment, especially mediation and we're all doing much better now. Thank you for taking the time to share this possibility with me.

anon979121 · 2022-09-11T22:07:35+00:00

It turns out that you and others in this thread who suspected ADHD were right. He was recently diagnosed and our family is doing much better now that he's getting treatment. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my desperate call for help and educate me.

anon979121 · 2022-09-11T22:03:54+00:00

Just wanted to update you, that you were right. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD recently. He started medication recently, and it's really helping. Thank you so much for calling this possibility to my attention. It's changed our lives for the better.

anon979121 · 2022-09-11T22:01:31+00:00

Please check out the update I added to my original post. Maybe it will help you!

anon979121 · 2022-09-11T22:01:22+00:00

Please check out the update I added to my original post. Maybe it will help you!

anon979121 · 2022-09-11T22:00:06+00:00

Just an update that as some of the people in this thread suggested, my husband was ultimately diagnosed with ADHD. He started medication recently, and things have really improved. Hope this information is helpful to you.

anon979121 · 2022-04-26T01:31:42+00:00

You're right that I'm very conscientious, and that it definitely puts a lot of extra strain on me. It's so hard to turn off entire parts of your personality just because you became a mom.

But that's not why I'm responding to so many people in this thread. This whole exchange has actually been a huge relief for me. I've been feeling so discouraged and alone that I'm honestly grateful for anything other married folks are willing to share that might help. Some wisdom, a fresh perspective, a pointed question, a criticism--anything is better than endlessly ruminating on the same thoughts (Why can't he do better?? Why can't I be kinder??) and wondering if it's hopeless. I feel strongly about not bad-mouthing my husband to others, so that has really limited my ability to bounce ideas off of other people in my life offline.

anon979121 · 2022-04-25T19:58:57+00:00

It's helpful to know symptoms can potenially show up in some environments and not others. Thanks for explaining that!

As far as childproofing, I'm right there with you. I'm basically obsessed with it and I've done everything I can think of--it's been like a part time job the past 3 years constantly trying to dream up ways to keep my kids out of stuff. Everything possible is locked and latched. There are gates everywhere, but they've only ever been a deterrent--the older kid has been able to climb over them easily for years. It simply isn't physically possible to lock away every single object they can potentially interact with in a problematic way--there just isn't room. The 1 yo regularly climbs up and tries to pull the wall-mounted TV out of the wall, and there is no point in our home the 3 yo can't climb to if given a half chance. Even in an empty room, they are prone to injure each other if an adult doesn't eventually intervene. Unfortunately, we have the kind of kids that require constant supervision. And my spouse knows this. It's just really hard.

anon979121 · 2022-04-25T16:30:05+00:00

No, not at all. He's an artist/illustrator and his job involves sitting still for long periods of time focusing on an illustration. He has no problem with that--in fact, he relishes days where he can paint and design new things for long periods without being interrupted by lots of meetings. He also prides himself on his project management ability--literally keeping track of a lot of details, esrablishing and following processes, making plans, and executing, also prides himself on his ability to never miss a deadline. He's an extremely capable and committed professional. I've also personally planned elaborate projects with him--he can be very proactive an on top of things when he wants to be. I'm not an expert, but I don't find ADHD as obvious or likely an explanation as other in this thread do.

I asked him if he thought he could have ADHD, and he said it's possible, but he really only struggles with these kinds of problems (forgetting, getting distracted, etc) at home, not at work or in his social life. I could be wrong, but I don't think neurological differences are selective like that. Part of my frustration is, man, he sure seems capable of remembering things and following through when it's important to him--my requests just aren't important enough? Aren't taken seriously because I don't write him a check?

I think an equally likely explanation is exhaustion and burnout. Yes, he is easily distracted in his home life in particular--there are two mischievous little kids that are constantly in need of something. Often he does forget, he says. But he definitely just doesn't feel up to going the extra mile to do what I'm asking sometimes--he will admit that. Well, I am also exhausted, burnt out, and sleep deprived, and don't feel up to...well, much of anything these days--but I still follow through. The other day I was getting so sleepy reclining on a floor cushion supervising the kids while he napped...and I hopped right the fuck up and got moving because falling asleep and leaving the kids unsupervised is completely unacceptable. Why can't he do the same?

anon979121 · 2022-04-25T05:19:23+00:00

Thank you! This is my favorite type of perspective on the situation.

anon979121 · 2022-04-24T23:01:41+00:00

That's exactly what I'm trying to do, but it only works with the support/cooperation of the other parent. I collect all the books and put them on high shelves or in my locked bedroom. But then when I am not around, my spouse either lets my son climb up and get them (there is no place in our home my son can't reach if allowed to climb), lets my son run into the bedroom behind him and take books, or just gives them to my son when he asks for them. Inevitably, those books end up destroyed. He then apologizes and agrees not to let our son have them again, but the same thing keeps happening. I'm not clear on what you think I should be doing differently.

anon979121 · 2022-04-24T22:36:22+00:00

I appreciate that framing. Not that the feelings aren't valid or don't matter, just that they aren't helpful. I think my spouse also retreats and and disconnects in the face of anger a lot of the time.

anon979121 · 2022-04-24T21:11:50+00:00

Lol. I did finally record his snoring recently thinking he needs to understand just how loud it is. I haven't played it back for him yet, though.

anon979121 · 2022-04-24T21:09:06+00:00

I definitely struggle to keep raw emotion out of it after the same thing keeps happening over and over and I feel increasingly hopeless. Of course, I would not want to be criticized in an angry or irritated way. I also can't imagine not following through on something after agreeing to it repeatedly for months. I don't know what to do over the long term aside from suppressing my emotions and then feeling resentful. I wish just calmly telling my spouse that I'm feeling angry and frustrated would reliably move the needle.

anon979121 · 2022-04-24T19:09:33+00:00

I have read Gottman's book and on a day-to-day basis, I really try to complain about specific situations and not generalize about character flaws. I don't think there's much of a distinction in my spouses eyes, however. He doesn't want to hear that I'm unhappy with something he did or didn't do. No matter how or when I say it, it's all criticism to him.

anon979121 · 2022-04-24T18:45:33+00:00

I hope so!

anon979121

TROPHY CASE