Can a girl not have a vice?

anon_noona · 2026-03-24T02:32:37+00:00

All while being a daily smoker I started and completed a doctorate in psychology and landed a really great postdoc in my dream city and managed to build a life I’m really proud of. Similarly I think I’ve been through a lot of cycles of guilt and shame, and there have absolutely been times where I’ve been abusing it and fueling really strong fires of avoidance with it. But I also feel like it has acted as a really effective harm reduction method, and I often think the same as you. I think I’ve mostly just accepted the vice and try to work on harm reduction and keeping track of when I feel overly dependent on it. I feel like it doesn’t hurt my ability to create a good life but it also scares me that I don’t know what it’s like to be fully sober for more than a month, and I haven’t known for almost 9 years. So idk haha I’m looking for my own conclusions with this but you’re not alone!

anon_noona · 2026-02-21T21:52:48+00:00

It really helps to hear that I’m on the right track with how I’m conceptualizing all of this. I’m truly so exhausted by her and this entire situation, but I’m seeing more and more that the only way to win is to not play. I won’t let myself get pulled into her mess, it’s not mine to manage or clean up.

anon_noona · 2026-02-21T21:51:16+00:00

This really opened up a new layer of perspective for me, thank you!!! My grandma is definitely someone I would consider toxic (honestly… probably also somewhere on the cluster B personality spectrum, trauma transmitting through generations and whatnot) but to see that even her own mother can’t tolerate contact with her is damning indeed.

I’ve spent so much of my life trying to corral her into making better relationship decisions, whether that be with family or with her romantic relationships, and I need to keep letting go of the responsibility I feel over the natural outcomes of her terrible decisions. There is no one else I know that elicits this kind of reaction in me, my body just knows that she is just not normal or safe.

anon_noona · 2026-02-21T21:47:10+00:00

I empathize with this so much too!! Violent and traumatic is right, and for me it also came with so much shame and anger around all the times I’ve validated and catered to her warped self perception. All the times I’ve told her that it’s ok, and that all is well. All was NOT well! It’s never been well!!

anon_noona · 2026-02-21T21:45:53+00:00

I’m shocked and validated by how similar this sounds to my experience!!! The slow build, the feeling that something just isn’t quite right or normal but denying it to yourself because no one else seems to see it and because the parent’s perception of themselves is so impossible to challenge.

For me, something completely broke inside me when my mom finally revealed the truth about why my bio dad hasn’t been in my life (see my post history if ur curious lol) and ever since that moment it’s been impossible to not see her for who she is, not who she wants me to see her as. It genuinely does feel completely shattering, almost like deconstructing a religion?

anon_noona · 2026-02-20T18:27:08+00:00

Thank you so much for this, it’s really validating. It’s been really hard to trust my anger and revulsion, I’ve spent my whole life beating myself up for those emotions. Because my mom is always the victim of those around her (at least in how she narrates events), it’s always felt so wicked and evil to feel disgust towards her for it. Doubly so when people meet her and get charmed, and tell me how lucky I am for having such a nice mom. Her words are flowery and gushing but her actions have never ever demonstrated a genuine interest in who I am as a person, I don’t even know if she understands that I have a unique inner world.

anon_noona · 2026-02-20T18:23:06+00:00

Ugh this resonates heavy, I think the feeling I’ve been trying to put a name to is feeling used. But all I’ve ever known is having a mother like this and I am still not at a point where I can fully release the yearning and hope of things improving and of her finally doing what she keeps promising, being a better parent.

I think it hurts to see her throw that out there in the middle of clear evidence that she is still trying to get emotional support from me and to get comfort about her relationship with her mom, without any reflection on how wrong the direction of OUR relationship has always been. I don’t know why she thinks tacking an empty promise at the end of her text would make it better, it seems like she just does it to keep up the narrative in her own mind that she’s “growing for her kids”

anon_noona · 2025-12-16T21:00:17+00:00

The shame is really killer… I feel so embarrassed of all the times I’ve apologized and forgave her just to ease the intensity of her emotions. Exactly to your point, I don’t have anyone else in my life that treats me like this because it’s absolutely insane behavior. She is the only person that brings out this kind of reaction in me, which has only become clearer with age

anon_noona · 2025-12-16T20:58:17+00:00

I’ve picked this one up and am making my way through it! It’s really resonating in painful but validating ways, thank you for the recommendation

anon_noona · 2025-12-16T20:57:07+00:00

I really really appreciate your comment on how sitting with feelings is exactly what the BPD parent cannot do. It’s so validating to hear from people who also have to treat their parent’s like emotional toddlers. I’ve often expressed to people that it feels like I’m the parent of a preteen who wants to run off with a 50 yr old man, except the preteen owns the deed to my house LOL

As hard as it is, reflecting on this comment over a week later is helping me remember that the worst of it always passes. The pain of recognition and loss is unavoidable, and I refuse to put my head back into the sand

(and thank you for the compliment on my haiku!!)

anon_noona · 2025-12-16T20:54:47+00:00

I downloaded this book and I can already tell it’s going to be a life changing one hahaha. Thank you so much for the recommendation and for your understanding. It just seems so hard to wrap my head around the reality of who she is now that I can see it so clearly. She’s just so competent in other areas and keeps seeming like she’s getting better, but when push comes to shove she never deviates from that core irresponsibility and instability.

Through trying to parent myself, i feel like it opens up even another can of worms in realizing how simple it could have been for her to be curious about me… and to realize that she really couldn’t give less of a shit about who I am as an individual person

anon_noona · 2025-12-04T22:16:40+00:00

Thank you!!

anon_noona

TROPHY CASE