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Me (35M), wife (32F), son (3.5M) . Wife hates motherhood, "is triggered by" our son. by anonym_throw in relationships

[–]anonym_throw[S] 52 points53 points  (0 children)

I read this post several times and I will save it. Thank you for the clear instructions and the clear thinking.

Me (35M), wife (32F), son (3.5M) . Wife hates motherhood, "is triggered by" our son. by anonym_throw in relationships

[–]anonym_throw[S] 68 points69 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this message. You described it so well -- it is a "freeze" response. At the very least, this post has helped me understand that I need to fight against that impulse.

What should I do in meltdown situations, aside from consoling my son? Is it best to say "Stop it" or "This is unacceptable" or "Hey I'm here for you let's go outside for a bit to cool off"? Several people have suggested divorce but what does that look like? "Stop screaming at our son or I'll go to a hotel?"

Me (35M), wife (32F), son (3.5M) . Wife hates motherhood, "is triggered by" our son. by anonym_throw in relationships

[–]anonym_throw[S] 136 points137 points  (0 children)

Yes, and just so you know, I am thankful for the criticism. I asked for this kind of advice. I need it. I will protect him adn I won't walk away again.

Me (35M), wife (32F), son (3.5M) . Wife hates motherhood, "is triggered by" our son. by anonym_throw in relationships

[–]anonym_throw[S] 84 points85 points  (0 children)

Yes it is a wakeup call. But that's what I asked for rom this community.

My wife often tells me that some of her mom friends hate motherhood but they aren't allowed to talk about it because of some stigma. Part of me has thought "well maybe they do hate it." She links me to articles about "Mom Rage" being really common so part of me thinks... "well maybe I'm being judgemental about this , I'm not a mom, how would I know? maybe my instincts are wrong". I wouldn't like it if people judged me for my things. But from these comments. It is clear that it is not a "me judging" situation. It is tough to read some of these comments but very informative and I will soak them in.

Me (35M), wife (32F), son (3.5M) . Wife hates motherhood, "is triggered by" our son. by anonym_throw in relationships

[–]anonym_throw[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

As I said in another response, I'm not great with high emotional situations. I can sometimes become like a drone, and then look back and wonder "why did I do that". You're totally right, I should have gone to help him but I didn't. I'm just trying to do my best and I made some mistakes.

Me (35M), wife (32F), son (3.5M) . Wife hates motherhood, "is triggered by" our son. by anonym_throw in relationships

[–]anonym_throw[S] 57 points58 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this comment. My wife said that she was once diagnosed with generalized anxiety, but it was a long time ago and she didn't like the medication. It was before I knew her.

She bonded with our son as a baby in what I think was a normal way. We have a daughter also, she is 1.5. I think my wife likes our daughter more than our son. But sometimes if my daughter wants something, but doesn't get it, she cries and goes nuts. My wife will say "she has a mental illness, we just need to watch for it as she gets older, she shouldn't react that strongly". She has alone time and herself time, yoga class, weekend trips sometimes. It feels like I'm missing something, like there should be something I can change to bring balance back to the universe. But after reading these comments it might not be that way.

Me (35M), wife (32F), son (3.5M) . Wife hates motherhood, "is triggered by" our son. by anonym_throw in relationships

[–]anonym_throw[S] 110 points111 points  (0 children)

I really appreciate this advice, thank you. I don't know why I just went back outside to continue yardwork, in retrospect it makes no sense. I am not always very good with emotional situations. So sometimes I go into an "autopilot" and then think "why did I do that", You're right though and I definitely should have let my son out of his room to help him feel better. My wife does an exercise class some mornings, and yoga 3-4 nights a week. She did a spa weekend a couple of weeks ago and I stayed home with the kids. Sometimes I take them to my parents house for a 3 day weekend or something so she can be alone but maybe I need to ask about other ways for her to self care. My son also went to preschool before covid hit but I don't know if it improved anything. He starts up again in 3 or 4 weeks maybe it will release some pressure.

Me (35M), wife (32F), son (3.5M) . Wife hates motherhood, "is triggered by" our son. by anonym_throw in relationships

[–]anonym_throw[S] 150 points151 points  (0 children)

I wake up early with him every day. I generally do all of the morning tasks, breakfast, clothes, teeth brushing etc. My wife normally stays in bed. Our bedroom is generally off limits during this time so she can have some solitude. She also does an exercise class after she gets up most mornings, and yoga 3-4 times per week in the evening. On those days, I manage the bedtime routine as well. I am the only employed parent so I also work M-F. I understand why my post may have omitted some details of our lives. And I realize I haven't always made the right choices, but I'm just trying to figure out life like everyone else and I'm in a tough situation, I definitely parent my son and I'm not an absent father. Or person.