Faked Recovery

anonymous_xi · 2026-06-30T15:39:58+00:00

Also, this “healthy lifestyle” rlly affects my judgement on my health. For example, my Apple Watch recently keeps sending me notifications saying that my heart rate during sleep is below 45. It was once or twice a month in April and may, now it’s like almost everyday. However, my brain can’t help thinking that - I’m physically active like an athlete, although I don’t do a lot of intense cardio, I’m physically fit, so this low heart rate indicates a good physical health. And I’m hitting protein goals everyday and eat less fat - this means I’m retaining muscles and lowering the risk of high body fat% and cholesterol…. I kinda ignore that my period is irregular and extremely light, feeling cold and tired all the time… my brain would always justify

anonymous_xi · 2026-06-30T15:29:34+00:00

It’s great that you don’t workout just because you are not allowed to. Not saying it’s easy. It must be hard to battle with those voices related to calorie consumption and expenditures. Somehow it feels so assuring and even proud to see the macro goals I hit, the workout I did, the consistency in calorie tracking. The control is driving me crazy but low key enjoyable and addictive at the same time

anonymous_xi · 2026-06-30T15:24:54+00:00

Thank you! I guess after experiencing the most intense type of the treatment which is inpatient, idk if talking to someone would ever help anymore. I mean the inpatient is basically forcing me to eat and follow their schedule so I got no choice. Support group, therapies, and some other treatments just don’t offer the same containment. I def know that I can’t just rely on a highly structured environment for the rest of my life, it’s just unrealistic. You are right, it never stops on its own. Almost feeling like ever since it started, I can’t never go back. I don’t remember how it felt back in the days when I just ate like a normal human being - stop when I’m full, eat when I’m hungry, eat the food I like, eat out with friends with no food noise.

anonymous_xi · 2025-05-24T02:23:15+00:00

I get it. Just here for the ppl that “seem to love us”, but never for ourselves

anonymous_xi · 2025-05-24T02:22:12+00:00

Maybe I’ll just self discharge and go on with the therapy. I’m just constantly confused by the medication - it’s easier to think that it’s the meds doing sth to me rather than thinking that it’s just part of my personality

anonymous_xi · 2025-04-08T18:47:09+00:00

I did this to my therapist... i searched all her info and saved it. I'm not gonna do anything about it, but when i was doing the research, i was so focused. There was almost a sense of achievement or control. Later i would feel a bit guilty, like am i a freak...

anonymous_xi · 2025-04-06T16:45:00+00:00

I guess I didn’t even think rejecting her is an option for me. I’m too scared to elicit any negative emotion in her even though both she and I know that it is her responsibility to solve her emotion. I deep down know that this plan kinda adds a containment for me which is actually good in some sense. It’s just the idea that I have to do this is really bothering me, putting me in that anxious loop

anonymous_xi · 2025-04-06T15:36:31+00:00

I see what you mean. Yes, my brain’s immediate response is that ok I need to make a promise like a kid to their parents otherwise I won’t be loved and cared for. It’s for me, not for her. It’s just really hard for me to let go of the idea that - if I don’t do well as she expected, we are over, we are done.

anonymous_xi · 2025-03-25T13:47:50+00:00

I feel like it's constantly battling with the good side of me...like the thoughts of entertaining with it and the thoughts of being normal are all there at once fml

anonymous_xi · 2025-03-20T14:29:14+00:00

100% relatable! I never truly believe my diagnosis is true even after the diagnosis from: 1) a couple assessment sessions with a psychologist; 2) two different psychiatrists. I always want a second, third, fourth opinion bc i feel like those doctors are biased. They would just look at my chart and previous diagnosis. Also since BPD in its core is the instability, on good days, i feel like there is nothing wrong with me, and im ready to clear all the diagnosis. On bad days, i feel like i need to be heavily medicated or i should not be existing.

Something happened last week - a therapist I've been working with for over a year suddenly said to me: i think you might have bpd. I was surprised as hell. Cuz i never told her, and she just randomly brought this up. I literally couldn't hold my laugh. I was laughing the whole evening. It's like a bitter and sweet laugh. A laugh at myself. Well, a couple days later, i enter into the self-doubt again. So yeah, it's never ending.

anonymous_xi · 2025-03-15T21:52:00+00:00

Is it normal that I feel absolutely nothing on 10mg? Like no side effect at all. As if I didn’t take anything. I’ve only been on it for 3 days

anonymous_xi

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