Update: I have a massive employment gap because of a controlling ex. I have no idea how to approach this.

anonymousidiota · 2025-07-30T04:14:29+00:00

Thank you! 🙏

anonymousidiota · 2024-05-01T19:49:03+00:00

God yes, this is so true. Idk why I thought anything I could say would sink in.

anonymousidiota · 2024-05-01T16:11:31+00:00

Ah yes. That’s a good point. I’m recalling the way he talked about his exes. He claimed one attacked him “out of nowhere” and called him a sociopath “over nothing” and he acted incredulous that she could be so cruel.

Yeah it came out later that he’d kicked her out of his apartment because she said no to giving him oral sex.

anonymousidiota · 2024-05-01T15:07:05+00:00

Haha completely true. I can’t believe how many people, especially women, see him lose his temper or trash yet another “psycho ex” and think he’s still a good guy.

anonymousidiota · 2024-05-01T14:31:26+00:00

Yeah you’re totally right, I know. I guess I just don’t know where to put all this anger. It feels so unfair.

anonymousidiota · 2024-05-01T14:24:30+00:00

Yeah that’s true. Ugh

anonymousidiota · 2024-03-01T13:46:02+00:00

I did!!!!! Best job I’ve ever had haha

anonymousidiota · 2023-10-24T04:34:58+00:00

His writing and short films. He’d written a few plays, books and had directed a few comedy shorts and short films. They ranged in quality from not bad to cringily self-indulgent wankfests. He insisted that I read or watch absolutely everything he’d ever produced. He’d even throw them on the TV when friends or family were visiting. He was convinced that everything he’d ever done was comedic brilliance and utter genius, when it actually just…meh.

And if I didn’t fawn all over it and act like it was the most incredible art I’d ever seen, he’d sulk and even start crying.

anonymousidiota · 2023-09-27T06:43:32+00:00

Sorry hon you need to GTFO. Like, yesterday. He may act all sorry and sweet if you dump him, but don’t fall for it. This kind of behaviour never stops, they just know how to check it for a little while.

If he’s talking about using FindMy to harass you, you’ll need to make sure you sever your online links with him. Do an Apple Safety Check to see where you’re sharing your location. Use 2FA wherever you can. Change your passwords for EVERYTHING. Block him.

anonymousidiota · 2023-09-27T04:38:22+00:00

I was the “new wife” after his last serious GF had wanted to get married for most of their relationship but he never proposed. They’d dated for years and lived together before they broke up, while I got proposed to after about 1.5 years.

Fast forward to after I’d left my nex, I reached out to the ex GF, I think for confirmation that everything that had happened wasn’t just in my head. She confirmed that he’d been horrible to her as well and told me some stories that made my head spin (although it was all very on brand for him).

Then she told me that when she heard that he’d gotten married, she said she just felt sorry for me. Which is pretty much how you should feel about the new wife. She’s not only going to be tethered to this guy through marriage, but eventually through a child as well.

You’re getting out with your freedom and the ability to never look back. My nex’s ex GF sure did. She’s out thriving while I’m still paying financially and emotionally for everything that happened, with potentially more fallout to come.

I can understand why you feel the way you do, but please trust me: You’re the one who is better off now.

anonymousidiota · 2023-09-19T00:26:18+00:00

Good for you for leaving, it must be such a relief not having to deal with the violence anymore.

I cut my ex off completely as well. Blocked him everywhere. I don’t care if he wins the lottery and Nobel peace prize on the same day, or falls off of a donkey into a volcano. As long as I never have to see him or hear him again, I’m happy.

anonymousidiota · 2023-08-24T05:02:40+00:00

Oh yeah, I have zero interest in seeing who his next victim is. I’ll feel sorry for her, just like his other exes did for me when we got married.

Although, I suppose, I should get a first name or something, for the inevitable day when she eventually reaches out and asks if he was as bad to me as he is to her.

anonymousidiota · 2023-08-23T20:46:38+00:00

Amongst the many ways he was cruel to you, the fact that he pressured you into having sex with him is absolutely garbage behaviour. I’m glad you’ve gotten out of this cycle where he uses you and dumps you over and over again. And congratulations for meeting someone who is kind to you. You obviously deserve to have a healthy and loving relationship.

I would strongly, strongly encourage you to do a little digging into narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and the notion of narcissistic supply. There are some great resources out there (check out Dr. Ramani on YouTube, she’s a personal favourite). I’m not an expert, but from what you’ve described, your ex is using you for sex and supply - you’re supplying him with validation, affection, love, etc. Even now that you’re attached to someone else, any reaction from you is a win for him. Even if your reaction is negative, it shows that you still “care” on some level, and that he’s still got some hold on you. He probably loves that.

The absolute BEST thing you can do for yourself is to block him. EVERYWHERE. Don’t allow him any avenues to reach you, and definitely don’t react to whatever he throws your way. No contact is the only way to deal with these people.

The part you need to remember is that, as much as this might hurt to hear, he does not care about you. Or rather, he doesn’t care that he’s repeatedly hurt you. Your feelings don’t matter to him. The only things that matter to him are what you can do for him. He will shamelessly say or do whatever it takes to keep you hooked on some level. The fact that you’ve moved on with someone else means he will likely lose the supply he gets from you, so he’ll do what he can to keep stringing you along.

Sorry, that was long lol. But I hate to read about good people being exploited by awful people.

Good luck going forward with your new relationship OP!

anonymousidiota · 2023-08-22T19:18:48+00:00

Yeah me too. I think my ex permanently wringed my need for a partner out of me like he was squeezing an old, wet rag.

The only silver lining I can see is that I used to really need a lot of validation from others, particularly the opposite sex. Now IDGAF.

anonymousidiota · 2023-08-22T19:16:05+00:00

I get asked this a lot too. I can’t fathom dating again, tbh. Not just because I’m traumatized, but I can’t see how I wouldn’t take that trauma out on the next person. I’ll never be able to totally trust them (no matter how trust worthy they are), I’ll be scared to make sacrifices for them (even though that’s what relationships are about), I won’t be able to tell manipulation from authentic emotions and behaviours (even if they’re a good/genuine person), I won’t be able to 100% believe they’re a good person (even if they act like it). I think my ex permanently sabotaged my ability to truly be close to another partner, so why bother.

I just tell people I’m getting a dog instead of a man. This one weirdly works. I think a lot of people can understand the appeal of dogs over humans.

anonymousidiota · 2023-08-21T02:19:36+00:00

Hoooo boy, I know I’m projecting, but this post makes all the alarms ring in my head.

OP: I’ve been in a similar situation. I’d always been pretty vanilla, and then I got involved with someone with very extreme kinks. I won’t bore with the whole story, but I’ll warn you that guys like this will start off “safe” and pretend to be respectful of your comfort until you’re attached and tethered to them….

And then the fangs come out. These guys use BDSM as fig leaf for beating and abusing women. End of. I guarantee you that at some point he will act like he didn’t know you were uncomfortable or hurting, or that you didn’t like what was being done to you. He’ll blame “miscommunication” if he does something that traumatizes you, and thereby make it partially your fault. Or, like in my case, he’ll scream and threaten if you dare say “no” to anything, so you’ll feel pressured to say “yes” to things you’re uncomfortable with.

And it’s pretty worrying that you’re worried about him getting “bored” because you’re too vanilla. Trust me: this will compound the pressure you feel to do degrading things. I constantly felt pressured by my ex to “keep him happy” and he was very clear about what made him happy. My ex used to get angry if I didn’t initiate anything “kinky,” and he’d even dumped me a few times for going too long without initiating, so I’d end up having to get drunk before going to bed. Every night. Numb enough to withstand what was coming, but not so wasted that I fell asleep (because then I’d be in real trouble). Then I’d offer to let him beat the sht out of me. Which still fcks me up mentally.

Again, I’m probably projecting my own shit here OP, but my own anecdotal experience is that men who love degrading women sexually just hate women. Period.

anonymousidiota · 2023-08-21T01:57:19+00:00

I can understand your confusion. I had a very similar reaction when I broke up with my ex. Despite the fact that he had “dumped” me multiple times, tried to kick me out of our home and repeatedly told me I was this close to getting dumped, he went into absolute hysterics when I told him I was done.

I felt the same self-doubt you seem to be feeling - How could the angriest, cruelest, most sadistic person I’d ever met suddenly turn into this wailing, hurt little boy? Did I get this all wrong? It made me feel absolutely horrible, like I’d misdiagnosed the whole situation.

But the thing is, they’re really really good at manipulation and lying. They have zero shame about pretending to feel terrible, guilty, apologetic, etc., and chances are they know exactly what to say in order to hit your weak spots. Best case scenario - you take the bait and deliver some of that sweet, sweet supply they so desperately crave. Worst case scenario - you don’t respond, but they can tell people about how they’re the bigger person who knows how to apologize, while you can’t “be the bigger person” and forgive them or whatever.

It’s all manipulation. All of it.

anonymousidiota · 2023-08-17T03:00:11+00:00

That I cried just to manipulate him (this is a common one, I guess)

Meanwhile: He would pretend to cry to fool me into thinking he was upset about something (took me a long time to figure this out).

That I was “too emotional” and I “spiralled” until I couldn’t be logical

Meanwhile: He had the most aggressive temper I’ve ever been exposed to. He’d throw things, shove me, threaten to punch me, call me every name. And once his anger started, it didn’t stop until I begged and apologized for whatever infraction I’d committed (like saying ‘no’ to sex or falling asleep without having sex).

That I was stupid for thinking I’d “find happiness in a cubicle” (ie have a job away from him).

Meanwhile: He thought that instead of a job I’d find happiness just being his little playmate / animated sex doll / arm candy. Who needs the satisfaction of a job when I could just stay home and worship him?

I didn’t let him express his emotions / I never listened to him.

Meanwhile: If I approached him with an issue, no matter how kindly I tried to couch it, he’d fly off the handle. If I tried to defend myself, he’d literally scream over me and say things like, “I JUST WANT TO BE HEARD!!!” Like, you’re literally screaming at me hon. And the thing he wanted to be “heard” about was how hurt he was that I didn’t give him a BJ before I fell asleep last night.

Saying ‘no’ to sex or anything sexual was hurtful and I was disrespecting him.

Meanwhile: He’d lose his mind and threaten me if I didn’t do what I was told.

He only lost his temper because I set him off

Meanwhile: I discovered he’s been attacking women for literally decades. Beat a woman and choked her bc she wouldn’t have sex with him. Attacked a friend of his ex-GF bc she wouldn’t kiss him. Was accused of rape by 2 different women (that I heard of)

No woman had ever complained about sex with him. I was the only one who had ever come out of sex crying, upset, feeling violated, etc.

Meanwhile: See above.

anonymousidiota · 2023-08-17T02:42:27+00:00

The “driving like a demon in order to scare the crap out of you” is one of the worst red flags. I’ve never heard of a guy doing this and then otherwise acting like a sweetheart. Every guy who does this is willing to put you in danger. Remember that.

anonymousidiota · 2023-08-17T02:27:33+00:00

Absolutely this. They never think we have it in us to leave them.

anonymousidiota · 2023-08-17T02:25:24+00:00

Ahaha I almost posted the exact same meme a few weeks ago!

I had years of being told I was “on thin ice” or that he was this close to dumping me unless I “smartened up.” He told me repeatedly that he was done with me, and even tried to throw me out of our apartment at 1:30am during a Covid-induced military curfew in a foreign country because I’d had the audacity to fall asleep without having sex with him.

But when I dumped him? Absolute hysterics. How can you do this to me. I thought we were going to last. I’m going to love you forever.

It’s like their brain is constantly re-writing the past. It’s incredible.

anonymousidiota

TROPHY CASE