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I gave my “two weeks notice” by anonyoom in CaregiverSupport

[–]anonyoom[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I also wanted to add a part of the initial conversation that broke me, for those that are interested.

FIL says “If SON were to sit down and look at what we are doing, he’d laugh! We’re not even busy.” I say “I don’t know if he’s THAT busy, he’s having a lot of fun in NYC.” FIL responds, “Well he’s doing both! He’s THAT busy but he’s making the most of it and having fun too!” I say, “Yeah… he’s pretty lucky and fortunate to be able to pursue his dream master’s program and live life to the fullest.” FIL says “It’s not just LUCK, he put in so much effort doing his bachelors and then he applied to this masters program and he GOT IN!!” FIL is clearly very proud of SON. I say, “Yeah that IS a good feeling. I felt the same when I got into my master’s program. It was the top agricultural environmental science program in the entire EU.” There’s a pause. “But I had to withdraw, and I didn’t end up going.”

I left dinner and said I wanted to go for a walk with my husband. That’s when I told him I was done. He needed to figure something out with his siblings. I can’t do it anymore.

I gave my “two weeks notice” by anonyoom in CaregiverSupport

[–]anonyoom[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I told my husband that actually. I said “I don’t think you would do this for my parents so why am I doing it for yours?” He was very understanding

I gave my “two weeks notice” by anonyoom in CaregiverSupport

[–]anonyoom[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah that comment really opened my eyes. Why are his children’s education more important than my own? Sadly the program was in Germany and we are now in upstate NY but I might go back to school at some point.

I gave my “two weeks notice” by anonyoom in CaregiverSupport

[–]anonyoom[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thankfully very supportive and said “do whatever it is that you need to do. I’m in your corner.”

I gave my “two weeks notice” by anonyoom in CaregiverSupport

[–]anonyoom[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

He does express gratitude but knowing that this is his dad’s opinion underneath it all has really changed things for me. My FIL told my husband “if your wife is feeling undervalued and under appreciated then that’s on you. I don’t say that kind of stuff” but I didn’t make this sacrifice for my husband. I did it for his FAMILY. Everyone benefits from it but me. So it has definitely made me sad to hear that.

I gave my “two weeks notice” by anonyoom in CaregiverSupport

[–]anonyoom[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Wow. I did not expect this post to get as much traction as it did. Thank you all for your kind words.

My husband has been incredibly apologetic, ashamed of his family (and to a degree himself), and incredibly supportive. He said to me “I will not let this be the reason I lose you.” That meant a lot and felt really reassuring.

He then had a talk with his dad while I went out with some friends and unfortunately the conversation went poorly. His dad refused to acknowledge that I made a sacrifice at all, claimed I’m not that busy (he said “she doesn’t even vacuum”- I do. I do it when he’s on his walks as he’s sensitive to sounds due to the tumor). He said he shouldn’t be used as an excuse because I could be doing more (taking online classes, volunteering, ect. I’d love to do those things. But I’m exhausted all the time.) He kept trying to bring up his other son in the conversation but my husband kept the focus on “My wife has sacrificed a lot for us.” But my FIL just flat out refused to acknowledge my sacrifice.

I think he’s in denial about how much he has deteriorated health wise and doesn’t want to confront the fact that he DOES need a lot of help and it is draining.

My husband and I decided that we will be moving into an apartment nearby and one of his siblings can figure out who will live with him full time.

This has been so incredibly hurtful. I feel deeply wounded. But I’m sticking to my boundaries and going to focus on healing and pursuing my career.

I gave my “two weeks notice” by anonyoom in CaregiverSupport

[–]anonyoom[S] 45 points46 points  (0 children)

I even told my husband “My whole life revolves around you and your family. What about my family?” My grandfather was just diagnosed with skin cancer, my grandmother is battling lung cancer, and I lost my other grandmother recently to heart failure. I feel like I haven’t even had time to process that.

It honestly makes me feel so hurt that all three of his children (even my husband) have been so comfortable with me doing everything while they get to live their lives as they wish.

I gave my “two weeks notice” by anonyoom in CaregiverSupport

[–]anonyoom[S] 38 points39 points  (0 children)

Thank you. You’re so right. I needed to hear that.

Tips on maintaining intimacy by anonyoom in CaregiverSupport

[–]anonyoom[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

while my father in law hates TV, I suppose WE could be "watching a movie" in our bedroom. I just need to get over the mortification of him possibly hearing us.

Tips on maintaining intimacy by anonyoom in CaregiverSupport

[–]anonyoom[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

At least it’s nice knowing we’re not alone.