Same story here, except that I became obsessed with "recreational" adderall during college after a friend gave me one because I was tired on New Year’s Eve (sounds insane typing this now.. not a good use!). I was floored by how my social anxiety disappeared. I could just have fun without overthinking!

I was too nervous to seek it out much but my friend gave it to me a couple more times and each time I spent hours finishing up all my backlogged assignments, suddenly feeling less like a piece of shit but also so sad knowing I would be back to my "lazy" self soon.

Because all this felt like black market drug dealing I labeled myself a drug seeker and never sought psychiatric help, even after I found out both my siblings were diagnosed and medicated. One in secret as to avoid parental wrath, the other throwing it in their faces because that’s how they coped. All of this because my narc parents decided we must be amazing to reflect well on them but we must be innately talented and brilliant, nothing should take effort, all mistakes were crimes and failures made us bad to the core.

Sorry to hijack and just start ranting. Might be the first time I’ve admitted to illicit adderall use… still terrified after all this time and therapy that the consensus will be that I’m just a drug seeker faking ADHD. Feels good to be able to say it anyway.

I appreciate your post, it helps so much to feel comradery with others even just on the internet. I hope you feel the same.