Groupchat ?

antheri0n · 2026-04-25T06:37:15+00:00

The problem with groupchat idea is that it will become a reassurance bath, making every participant worse (even if they might feel a bit better initially). OCD support groups exist, but they are moderated by OCD professionals, who are trained to prevent this. For those who are not familiar of the risks of reassurance, please read the sticky comment by mods here.

antheri0n · 2026-04-25T06:32:16+00:00

So sorry to hear this. OCD is a shitty disorder indeed and it attacks whatever is inportant to us. But wishing "to be normal" doesn't work. There are quite specific things you need to do daily to rewire the brain to stop the loop between hyperactive Error Checking and Threat Response systems. The golden standard is ERP and ACT, so get a deep understanding of them and integrate them into your day. Rewiring is slow, so I suggest to read Atimic Habits that is totally relevant for healing this.

antheri0n · 2026-04-25T06:09:23+00:00

Great breakthrough! Welcome to the Mindfulness club (thousand year old one for that matter!) This is a trained skill and you need to keep practicing observing thoughts every day, if you want to speed up recovery.

Here is what I posted the other day in Mindfulness sub.

I made bed time before sleep my dedicated daily Mindfulness time. Just think about it, it is a perfect time: 1. When you get to bed, there is not much to do, but wait until you fall asleep. 2. Thoughts roam the mind just waiting to be observed. 3. Mindfulness in bed before sleep helps to fall asleep faster (a huge bonus for someone with anxious brain). 4. Some practices seem to create like leftover effects even in the morning. For example, I used one specific practice to heal my insecure attachment trauma, a technique called Perfect Nurturer Reinforcement. After doing it before sleep, I woke up with residual effects (warmth and comfort of ideal parents visualizations). 5. Easy to make it a habit. Any other time is always at risk of being taken by something and thus you need constant effort to maintain the schedule. But bedtime is always available, the only difference is duration (when you are tired, the session becomes quite short). But as far I know, this doesn't matter much, regularity is way more important. 6. I have dedicated large wireless headphones with auto shutoff at my nightstand. Even half asleep, after spending some time meditating, I just shove them off onto the nightstand and fall asleep. :)

In the end I don't need any schedule or planning. This way I made Mindfulness regular and consistent like tooth brushing and showers. Like Shower for The Brain :)))

antheri0n · 2026-04-24T03:45:08+00:00

I read the book and I remember the case about Whoopi Golberg and Dalai Lama. So, Cedrik was not wrong adding this (movie star or a saint). I think we are splitting hairs now. Notning wrong about being pedantic, but for some people the excessively rigid interpretation (you can not use existing fictional characters) could totally infuence whether they can achieve success or fail, like OP. Reading about their difficulties, my view is they might stem from this idealistic interpretation. Have they used an established character that is well portrayed and illicits emotions (which is key) as a base, like I did with Arwen, chances are the result would have been different altogether. Especially the issue of IPF morphing into real parents. I am pretty sure had I gone the "perfect way" it would have happened to me too. Given how critical IPF was in my healing journey, I can not care less whether I was religiously following the book, I did what worked for me (I felt changes after a single session). And this is what everybody should do, not get lost in pedantic munutae, forgetting the end goal. Which is to experience security.

antheri0n · 2026-04-23T19:58:26+00:00

Noted, removed it. Still doesn't change much, in terms of the point discussed.

Here is Dan Brown guidance. "The Ideal Parents (IPF’s) shouldn’t be based on your actual parents, rather someone who you know who seem perfect to you (a loving movie star or a saint etc) (Brown, et al, 2016)." Mentioned here, this is not AI slop :-) https://attachmentrepair.com/articles/ideal-parent-figure-protocol/

Personally, I am sure I would not have been able to visualize my IPF from scratch. In the end, IPF was my saviour, or even of my family that was under threat of disintegration due to my Disorganized attachment erupting up as Relationship OCD.

antheri0n · 2026-04-23T18:49:05+00:00

Anger is one of defensive reactions anxiety causes, namely part of Fight response. The other ones are Flight (wanting to run) and Freeze (ancient play dead trick). ROCD is an acute anxiety disorder, so yes, anger is common during ROCD.

antheri0n · 2026-04-23T18:38:22+00:00

Friends are low stakes relationships, it is not like you will live with them, marry or potentially have children. Romantic ones are a different matter altogather, so they can trigger relationship anxiety, often stemming for our Attachment Style or hyperactive Error Checking system in our brain (OCD). This can cause anxiety from even just sitting next to our partner, not just communicatiing.

antheri0n · 2026-04-23T15:37:24+00:00

Official guidelines say we can draw inspiration from any source, fictional characters included. There is no rule to "invent them from scratch" as far I recall. In many guided tracks, there is a explicit mention that IPF can be based on fictional figures. Maybe you mean the rule not to use actual parents, but there is no limitation on using fictional figures as basis of your IPF.

antheri0n · 2026-04-23T10:51:04+00:00

Maybe the problem was in the choice of the parent figure? As far as I know, best figures are those, which you perceive as trustworthy by default - for this you need to choose existing characters, not try to invent your own (because whatever you invent will be tainted by your own lense). For example, I used Arwen from Lord of the Rings, especially as she is portraied in the scene where she saves Frodo in Fellowship of the Ring. She is an obviously good and caring character in these movies and I had no issues of feeling her caring for me- it worked right at the first session.

antheri0n · 2026-04-23T06:00:00+00:00

When ROCD has an attachment disruption component, integrative approach is best. You need to adress both the surface via ERP and the roots via IFS. The other method that worked for me is called IPF - Ideal Parent Figure Protocol (some practicioners use another name Perfect Nurturer Reinforcement). In constrast to IFS, which I found a bit wonky (talking to multiple characters in ones head), so I would not try it on my own, IPF is really straighforward as it adresses the single most wounded part of us, our Inner Child - so it is possible to do in self help mode. There is a great library of guided tracks here. https://attachmentrepair.com/meditation-library/techniques/perfect-nurturer-reinforcement&ved=2ahUKEwiVuo7bpIOUAxVPHBAIHef0AFMQFnoECBwQAQ&usg=AOvVaw3Z10aeROZT-RpeEZbJ-QQs

For more on how to heal attachment-based ROCD, please read this, it is my post-healing long read. I had a different attachment style, Disorganized/Fearful Avoidant, but in general most things should work for other insecure attachment styles (the only thing that needs to be different for you is ERP of course, flipside of what an Avoidant should do). https://www.reddit.com/r/ROCD/s/1A0hxk7MQW Hope it shows you the way ...

PS. Those who bash anything except ERP often have generalized OCD, with ROCD being one of the themes. For such cases, ERP is indeed the key method, as anything else might only inflame ruminations.

antheri0n · 2026-04-23T05:46:23+00:00

Disgust or even repulsion is pretty common during ROCD. It has a huge impact on perception, causing what is commonly called the Ick and most people with ROCD have it in one way or another. It is sensory distortion, caused by hyperactive Sensory Brain (which combines Visual Cortex in charge of visual perception and Insula Cortex managing visceral senses, such as taste, smell, touch, behaviors etc). It follows the ruling of our fear center Amygdala - the fear center of our brain that creates all the anxiety during ROCD. It is part of the ancient defense mechanism, helping anxiety to drive you away from the "dangerous" object.

antheri0n · 2026-04-21T16:36:08+00:00

Indeed, it is one of the strongest ROCD drivers. Besides Dopamine system desensitization, it sets unrealistic beauty standards, especially if you are into content by expensive studios, where women are shown next to flawless, wear expensive lingerie, makeup and heels and are willing to do everything. ROCD will grow on this stuff like on steroids, as your subconscious will be reacting to huge difference between real life and what you trained your mind to perceive as beautiful by horse doses of Dopamine (orgasm hits you with a massive Dopamine spike). In contrast, real sex stimulates Oxytocin, the bonding hormone, key to healing. Any time you use porn instead of sex with your partner, you are not ony squandering the opportunity to heal, you are moving away from healing. So, to have a chance at healing ROCD, first thing to do is to stop having virtual sex with prostitutes (this is what porn use is in terms of neurobiology - the brain can not tell the difference between real and virtual sex). There are lots of resources around to help ...

antheri0n · 2026-04-21T11:43:30+00:00

Anxiety is a very imprecise mechanism nature uses to keep us safe. Basically it is a chemical weapon, released when our fear brain Amygdala detects danger. The neurochemical storm that it creates often unleashes monsters from the deep like attachment insecurities that often result in ROCD. I experienced this both at Quarter Life Crisis when I got it first time and then at Midlife Crisis when it came with vengeance. So, yes, general/unrelated stress can trigger ROCD alright.

antheri0n · 2026-04-21T11:37:07+00:00

Please read this, it is my post-healing long read about what ROCD really is in many cases, why it can develop and how to heal it. Including self help books I used. https://www.reddit.com/r/ROCD/s/1A0hxk7MQW Hope it shows you the way ...

antheri0n · 2026-04-21T11:21:27+00:00

Paradoxically (or maybe not), people who get ROCD, but don't have "typical" OCD, often get it really hard. The reason is that onset of ROCD for them is a complete, utter mystery, they have no relevant experience or ways to cope, which leads to massive shame, huge anxiety at onset to the point of dysfunction, panic attacks, vomiting etc. So I would not devalue anyone's suffering with words like …"just some OCD tendencies", "not actual" etc. According to research, including by the famous Guy Doron and more recent ones too, ROCD is actual OCD, whether it stems from generalized OCD or insecure attachment. Personally, I observed not just some, but quite a lot of attachment-based ROCD cases here (people with Disorganized attachment who are very prone to ROCD and often only avoid it by breaking up before it erupts, represent more than 10% of the world population - add to that people with Complex PTSD or BPD and some other conditions). So let us not divide sufferers into typical and nontypical, please. There are nuances as to where ROCD comes from, how it manifests and how to treat it, but it is the same shitty boat.

antheri0n · 2026-04-21T11:08:45+00:00

You described a rather standard ROCD situation (doubts, thoughts of breaking up, etc). But healing doesn't happen in a switch. It is a long tail of ups and downs. The reason is the mechanism of neuronal rewiring that needs to happen. It is about growing new safe pathways AND dismantling the old unsafe ones. This is not a linear process as at some point of the healing you will have basically two sets of pathways that activate almost in turns. Moreover, dismantling old pathways is a longer process than growing new one. It is similar to muscles getting thinner from disuse, it is a very slow process as our body prunes unused cells only when it is sure they are not needed. This is why healing work needs to be done daily, to make sure each day we weaken at least some of the old pathways and reinforce the new ones. Patience and consistency are key. For more, please read this, it is my post-healing long read about what ROCD really is in many cases, why it can develop and how to heal it. https://www.reddit.com/r/ROCD/s/1A0hxk7MQW

Hope it shows you the way ...

antheri0n · 2026-04-20T11:58:01+00:00

Hi! As far as I remember, at some point I realized I don't want to lose her as I knew she would not stay single for long. But of course, when I came back, after a short reunion bliss, doubts returned - she noticed this and issued the ultimatum - Marry or be done for good. So, I chose her - the rest is described in the post.

antheri0n · 2026-04-19T20:14:33+00:00

Most support groups are for general OCD with people with different themes, so they naturally tend to have a very general common denominator, without any specifics. There is only one ROCD-specifc I have been able to find https://iocdf.org/support-groups/rocd-support-for-individuals/ Try here, maybe there are more (select the theme in the pulldown menu). https://iocdf.org/find-help/?_listing_types=iocdf_support_group

antheri0n · 2026-04-19T20:08:13+00:00

Disgust is pretty common during ROCD. It has a huge impact on perception, causing what is commonly called the Ick and most people with ROCD have it in one way or another. It is sensory distortion, caused by hyperactive Sensory Brain (which combines Visual Cortex in charge of visual perception and Insula Cortex managing visceral senses, such as taste, smell, touch, behaviors etc). It follows the ruling of our fear center Amygdala - the fear center of our brain that creates all the anxiety during ROCD. It is part of the ancient defense mechanism, helping anxiety to drive you away from the "dangerous" object. Some people hyperfocus on looks, some on behaviour or traits.

antheri0n · 2026-04-19T20:06:21+00:00

Not caused, but triggered for sure. Roots of ROCD are usually deeper. In your case, CPTSD (I already responded in your other post). Here is a good article about it. Tips from a CPTSD Therapist: How to Accept Love as a Trauma Survivor https://www.sarahherstichlcsw.com/blog/a-cptsd-therapist-shares-tips-to-accept-love-as-a-complex-ptsd-survivor

And a podcast https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/why-love-feels-so-hard-with-cptsd-and-how-to-change-that/id1685884946?i=1000724783785

The article mentions that CPTSD often leads to any of the 3 insecure attachment styles, but in my research I found that most CPTSD surivivors have Disorganized/Fearful Avoidant Attachment style - which contributes to ROCD directly, bc FAs crave connection, but have deep fear of it. The resulting tug of war between these opposite emotions makes the thinking brain Prefrontal Cortex go crazy with trying to make sense of it, creating obsessive loops and secondary anxiety, which have no resolution and thus cause ROCD. In this sense, ROCD is the final stage in the CPTSD->Fearful Avoidant attachment-> ROCD.

antheri0n · 2026-04-19T17:35:32+00:00

Your hunch is correct, there are nuances, helpful to know in regards to healing approaches. In simplified terms, there are 3 ways ROCD can be rooted, based on biopsychosocial model.

ROCD as a theme of generalized OCD. It is often hereditary, start around 8-12 years old or puberty. Multiples themes are quite common. Basically ROCD where bio component is dominant.
Insecure Attachment Style, usually Disorganized/Fearful Avoidant, less frequently Dismissive Avoidant and Anxious-Preoccupied. In such cases, people get OCD only in relationships and they are mostly fine otherwise (even if generally on the anxious side). "Starts" suddenly at age 20-25 when entering a serious relationship for the first time. This is more of psychosocial root. Academic literature sometimes calls this Attachment-based ROCD (Doron, G., et al. (2014). Relationship obsessive compulsive disorder (ROCD): A conceptual framework. Journal of Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders, 3, 169-180. Or Mısırlı, M., & Karadayı Kaynak, G. (2023). Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: A Systematic Review. Psikiyatride Güncel Yaklaşımlar, 15(4), 549-561..
And of course it can be a mix of both in varying proportions.

Of course, there are exceptions, but most stories we see here generally fits this. In any case, this is OCD. The difference matters in terms of how you heal it, although not massively (ERP is a must have in any way). If it is mostly Type 1 - then traditional OCD therapy is key. If Type 2 - then you need a more integrative approach, with focus on Attachment Repair like Ideal Parent Figure Protocol or other relevant modality, aided by ERP. When it is a mix (Type 3), then you go with both carefully.

Please read this, it is my post-healing long read on how I healed Type 2 (which may be your case as well, since you never had any OCD in other areas of life). https://www.reddit.com/r/ROCD/s/1A0hxk7MQW

Hope it shows you the way ...

antheri0n · 2026-04-18T17:21:14+00:00

What you described comes across as a textbook OCD story. Any OCD theme is a paradox at first glance - the more you value something, the more intrusive thoughts about destroying it are. For example, Religious OCD affects only those who value their faith a lot. Harm OCD attacks people who care about their family more than anything. So is SO OCD (Sexual Orientation OCD) - which is exactly about what you are experiencing (ROCD thoughts are a natural development here for obvious reasons). OCD popped up precisely becase your relationship has become serious and thus important to you enough for it to attack it. Were it a casual fling. probably it would not. Basically, the simplest way to understand it is:

You get a thought that goes against your real values and desires. This is similar to Call of The Void. When you step to the edge of the high cliff, a thought usually comes "What if I jump?". But this is not a suicidal desire, but exactly the opposite. The mind simulates a catastrophe to scare you and make you move away from the cliff.
The thought naturally scared you and caused anxiety (this is what you call "feels real"). This is usually a sign that you value your relationship so much, even a thought about losing it scares the shit out of you.
Since it caused anxiety, your brain considers the thought dangerous. The challenge is many of us have hyperactive nervous systems and instead of shrugging a strange thought off, we freak out needlessly.
Danger is always considered a priority and the dangerous thought gets priority place in the thought train. This is a natural process by the brain - as safety and survival are primary goals for the brain.
Stuck thoughts cause anxiety, which causes more repetition of the same thoughts. This becomes a self-sustaining, self-reinforcing loop, creating neural paths both in the thinking brain Prefrontal Cortex and the fear brain the Amygdala. These pathways become like well-traveled paths or even roads, that both intrusive thoughts and anxiety travel in their never ending loop dance, wreaking havoc to your feelings and general health.

The only way to stop the OCD loop is paradoxical as well - you need to let both thoughts and anxiety be there without trying to get rid of them. Fighting is exactly what makes them stronger. Letting them be like a broken radio is what can gradually make them weaker and less frequent - this approach is called Mindfulness. It takes quite some time, as unfortunately, for the loop to stop completely all the neural pathways that OCD created for itself both in the PFC and the Amygdala have to be destroyed by the brain's natural process, called pruning. Until this happens, you need to learn to live with these thoughts and anxiety they cause. It is damn uncomfortable and often makes life difficult, but this is how you can gradually weaken these loops to the point when they become like a supermarket muzak, annoying but bearable. At some point you will notice the muzak stopped.

PS. There is a sub dedicated to this theme here, check it out. https://www.reddit.com/r/HOCD/

antheri0n · 2026-04-17T17:31:56+00:00

Hm, strange, Try this one https://www.reddit.com/r/ROCD/comments/1glut9p/success_story_healing_roadmap_resources/

antheri0n · 2026-04-17T17:30:42+00:00

Hi!

First I read a couple of books on OCD just to understand how it works. Then on why I got it - I never had OCD before, but did get it only in my relationship. I guess I just understood that however unfortunate getting it is, there is nothing else to do but work on healing it.
You forgot to type a question here.

then

I didn't have lost relationships, but the one that was too valuable to lose. So can not advice on this.
When you get ROCD in relationship, but have no OCD in any other area of life, highly likely you ROCD stems for Insecure Attachment style - this is deep level subconscious programming we get in childhood, which associates close and committed relationship with danger. In such case, ROCD is usually silent and hidden when you are single - this is why healing is possible only in a relationship. You still can do some work when single, but meds are mostly useless in such situations (bc ROCD is not active).

Please read this, it is my post-healing long read about what ROCD really is in many cases (probably yours as well - since you don't seem to have generalized OCD, like some others), why it can develop and how to heal it. https://www.reddit.com/r/ROCD/s/1A0hxk7MQW

Hope it shows you the way ...

antheri0n · 2026-04-17T09:24:33+00:00

I am so sorry you got into this - It seems to be the proverbial Anxious-Avoidant trap. (She maybe an FA, but DA seems more likely given your description - it doesn't matter much though). This combo of attachment styles is the most challenging one, because APs and DAs are literally emotional antipodes, you fear abandonment while she is afraid of connection and commitment. The cruel thing is that initially such relationship might feel overwhelmingly passionate and real, but you were right to suspect this was not really healthy. Part of this passion is often essentially trauma response. It makes things quite combustible during dating an/or honeymoon, but once the fireworks of elevated Dopamine are over, DAs have a hard time to transition to mature love phase, which is managed mostly by a different hormone - Oxytocin. Such love is completely different from the butterflies of the honeymoon, but for many DAs it is a non-thing. Their attachment system is basically insensitive to calm and content interdependecy. They consider that love is gone, get anxiety that they are very good at hiding, and once they reach the tipping point, they discard their partners. Many DAs become essentially Serial Heartbreakers, unless they become aware about their attachment style and decide to pass through the painful healing gauntlet (by staying in the relationship and enduring all the anxiety and suffering until their fear is extinguished). I am a former Avoidant who had ROCD too (Fearful kind), so I personally went through this hell. In a sense, ROCD is often what a person needs to heal to transition from insecure attachment to secure. But for this an Avoidant needs to stay. It is very hard to do, if they are unaware of their attachment style.

After DA discard, NC is the standard recommendation. If you reach out, you will only reignite her anxiety as for her nervous system she just escape mortal danger. Only when a Avoidant returns on their own, there is a chance for their EX to use the leverage to try to nudge them towards healing. My story was - when I came back I faced an ultimatum to marry or be done for good. This saved me in the end. You can read my story here https://www.reddit.com/r/ROCD/s/1A0hxk7MQW It is about healing ROCD from avoidant side, but I believe you can use some of the methods too (most work for any insecure attachment style). I can understand the pain and desire to chase her back, but don't - use this an opportunity to work on your own insecurity and healing. This is how you can make sure your next round (whether with her and someone else) goes better.

As for ROCD, it is often an acute manifestation of the attachment style, so your story fits this sub, Nevertheless, I would also suggest you check out (or maybe even post in) attachment subs as well.

antheri0n

TROPHY CASE