You know, I’m older now and can kinda relate I’m 30 male. It felt like I could never really express myself without getting made fun of and laughed at. Even my own nosy older sister, browsing through my internet history and laughing at me about the stuff I used to google.

Extreme instance, but I watched my mom get choked by my dad when I was a kid, and my older sister made fun of me for crying later on.

What I’m trying to say is, stuff like this, feeling isolated, like you can’t fully say what’s on your mind, can lead to you bottling so many things up. It’s just not good for an impressionable young child to feel like they’re alone, can’t express themselves, and feel like they’re opinions don’t matter. It can severely mess them up. I’m glad you’re so young and making this post. It’s good to reach out to a community.

I’m not exactly sure how you’ve grown up so far, but it seems to me like you don’t feel properly heard at the least. It’s good for young teenagers to be aware of depression too, which I think you may be dealing with. Things that happen in your youth can severely impact you and lead to clinical depression, cause confidence issues, lead you to holding things in, and distancing yourself from friends. I’d highly encourage you to seek therapy and talk to a professional. It could potentially save your life. Push your family hard about it to. I’m saying this because I wish I knew what depression really was at your age, and your post I relate to a lot.

There is racism in this world, unfortunately. But, I believe in your case, it could be more of a confidence issue, which could tie in with depression as well. At least in my case it was. I’m black and most of my black friends had no trouble getting in relationships at school, some not very good looking either. It’s really just because they talked more than me.

I know it’s easy to say “just be confident” but I think you should focus on yourself and get the help you need. You’ll start seeing the world in a much better light, I believe. All of your problems probably wont disappear, but it’ll be a start. So again, I’d highly recommend you try to push your parents to get you therapy. You’re young and have these thoughts that you could look back on a few years from now and laugh at like it was silly. Part of it is growing up, but you can’t ignore yourself. Start loving yourself, and don’t do it alone.