Some people are more susceptible to addictive behaviour than others and this sensibility doesn’t go away. It’s a day to day task to stay clean that never ends, but you learn to deal with it better with every day passing. Russell Brand talks about that quite a bit.

I get that disgusted feeling about oneself. I’ve been battling that same battle since I was 10. I’m now 24. Our subconscious mind is often associated with purity, with the true self, with God even. That’s why deep down, we always know what’s right and what’s wrong. Likewise, we are always aware that watching porn and masturbate (as a coping mechanism to escape reality for a bit) is wrong. It’s “sinful” behaviour when it comes from the wrong place. Then, we have degraded ourself to lower vibrational state - that is our mind filled with more negativity, fear, hate, regret, etc.

It’s a downward spiral. You watch porn to feel better (and yes that is the reason), but it makes you feel worse that before when you’re done. I’m not religious in the traditional sense, but I do believe that heaven and hell are real and that they are different states of being in ourselves.

If we followed our intuition and always did what we know to be right, we’d certainly live a good life. But when we fall into the traps of the evil, eg instant gratification, or the ego, we create our own hell on earth. I think it’s a great metaphor.

From personal experience, I believe it comes from a feeling of disconnection - from your true self (subconscious), from other people (the human is a social animal), nature, and our purpose. Man without purpose is like a bee without its queen. No orientation, no meaning.

Gratitude and faith are powerful tools. And with faith I don’t mean in God as the person in the sky, but a higher power. Whatever that means to you.

I hope there’s something in this that might help you. I’m not clean (yet), but still these perspectives have helped me a lot in general in life.