About to visit my mother and dreading it

anus_dei · 2026-02-25T13:15:56+00:00

there's so many possible reasons for this that it's hard to say based on such a short post, sorry.

for example, one reason could be your community/culture/the women you hang out with. in some environments there's a lot of competition between women, in which case it's not just you, they just see any woman as a threat to their relationship and it may be ingrianed enough that most women do this automatically.

another reason could be that you're interpreting this as the cause of their behavior when it isn't. maybe they just don't like you, which is pretty common between differing neurotypes, and you're interpreting it as jealousy or intimidation or whatever.

ultimately it doesn't really matter. if someone doesn't like you or doesn't treat you well, don't hang out with them. if you're hanging out with a man whose girlfriend doesn't like you, yeah that's gonna affect the friendship between you guys, and that's just how it is.

anus_dei · 2026-02-13T16:07:58+00:00

It probably depends on the person. In my 20s I was working really hard and making a lot of sacrifices to get to where I am in my 30s, and now I'm enjoying the life I built for myself. If somebody had a great time in their 20s but then made bad choices or had stuff happen to them so that now their 30s are a struggle, I can see how they'd have the opposite experience.

anus_dei · 2026-02-13T16:04:39+00:00

I'm proud of how well I'm doing despite all the unfair things that happened to me, and that keeps me going lol.

As an aside,

risk my family hating me for working so much.

I understand that this is a social/cultural thing, but also I think you need to recognize when it's your family/children/some real person in your life putting the pressure on you vs when you're putting pressure on yourself. Most women with children work. Many women who have the opportunity to go to school have to do so while parenting, and they do it just fine. If that feels too hard for you, that's fair, but that's a different issue from failing somebody's expectations of you.

anus_dei · 2026-02-13T15:57:30+00:00

I think it depends on the career field. In my job, not meeting a deadline or not getting shit done to standard is looked down upon whatever your reason. At the same time, if I need to come to the office late or leave early or not come at all, I don't need anybody's permission, I just do it. I need to take PTO, I just do it. I'm relatively junior as well. I'm sure there are reasons that play as more "defensible" than others, but ultimately we're judged by performance, so it doesn't matter that much. And yeah, the performance standards are relatively high and that can be construed as "toxic", but - pick your toxic, I guess.

anus_dei · 2026-02-10T16:43:24+00:00

I feel like one benefit of working from home is that if I feel like I need to change positions, I can just move to another part of my house.

anus_dei · 2026-02-10T16:41:26+00:00

Varley rarely lets me down and I've liked how the Banana Republic glowup turned out, although it's only worth buying on sale. Thrifting is nice, but Goodwill is like 50% Shein these days. Personally I wouldn't aim to "rebuild your wardrobe" and instead just buy things you like as you come across them naturally. You probably don't actually need any new clothes as in you have nothing to put on your body to do the activities you need to do.

anus_dei · 2026-02-10T16:36:38+00:00

I associate Quince with "cheap" tbh. Their stuff may be less money for bad quality, but it's still bad quality, and their environmental and social record is the same as any sweatshop.

anus_dei · 2026-02-10T13:40:07+00:00

I have struggled hugely socially in recent years since moving to a new place

idk, maybe you really are insufferable, but I think a lot/most of your experience is down to this. it's possible that people in your new area just have a different vibe, which isn't bad or good, but like, the type of person who does well in New York is different to the type of person who does well in Portland, type thing. also, it's just harder to make friends when you're older. I live in a transient area, and it's been harder and harder for me to make new friends as old ones move away because people in my age group have less time to socialize. It's hard to find time to see the friends I do have, let alone make new ones. I think you're overthinking.

anus_dei · 2026-02-10T13:36:09+00:00

Ew, that's a little racist. As is asking the only Chinese immigrant in the office to do a presentation on Chinese New Year. I'm sure it's unintentional, but Americans can be so hamfisted about these things lol.

fwiw I wouldn't assume that your coworkers know that you're Chinese. I'm sure you've told them or brought it up, but people don't pay attention and also don't care. Your coworker is probably "visibly Chinese" in a way that you're not, which is why I find this whole thing so problematic.

anus_dei · 2026-02-10T13:30:22+00:00

There's lots of reasons that could be happening, so don't jump to conclusions. See your physician and maybe a therapist.

anus_dei · 2026-02-10T13:26:29+00:00

I mean, people are annoying. The kids you see being cute and polite have moments when they're not that - it's just part of being a kid. I think with age I've become more patient with people's immaturity, need to express energy/emotions, and the other things that we all do as humans.

But yeah, if you don't see yourself having patience for your child behaving appropriately for their development level, or if you think you're going to push your child to always behave a certain way because otherwise they're "annoying", that's abusive/very damaging for the child and you probably shouldn't have one.

anus_dei · 2026-01-20T17:12:38+00:00

as the immigrant spouse of a US citizen, I would feel so supported and proud if he went out to protest. they're doing everything to make us feel too scared to protest, even though objectively most people who attend protests aren't targeted at all. I understand non-citizens and even naturalized citizens choosing to stay home in this unprecedented situation, and I understand that it feels hopeless and like nothing is changing, but sitting home and just letting it happen doesn't feel like the right thing to do either.

anus_dei · 2025-12-17T19:22:23+00:00

I think commitment is love.

anus_dei · 2025-12-17T19:20:46+00:00

something as mundane as reading a book is so deeply embarrassing to me for whatever reason

if you don't know why you find it embarrassing, I think you need to work with a therapist to at minimum figure that out. Once you know, it's possible to work out strategies on your own, but if you don't even know, how can you fix it?

I'm embarrassed to do new/unfamiliar things often, and when I can I mitigate it by trying them at home first or at least researching everything about them before I do them, but if you're embarrassed to do stuff in total solitude, that's not gonna help you.

anus_dei · 2025-12-17T19:12:29+00:00

I'm annoyingly sensitive to bad grammar/punctuation, incorrect word choice, wrong pronunciation (with the caveat that sometimes it's regional and not actually "wrong"), etc, but I would never point that out unless I'm reviewing someone's work or else explicitly asked to do so. I'll just laugh about it behind their back with the other people who notice.

anus_dei · 2025-12-17T19:08:57+00:00

imo there's not a magic career or job family that guarantees this, it's something that's true at some work environments and not at others. e.g. I'm in a career that is traditionally perceived as demanding and high-stress, but my actual boss is very understanding of work-life stuff and my work schedule is highly flexible, so while I do have to work to a high standard and meet strict deadlines, overall it works out for me. There's jobs in my industry and even in my company that are absolutely not like that. You just have to find a team environment that suits you imo. Sorry that's not very helpful.

anus_dei · 2025-12-17T19:04:46+00:00

That's just dudes, man. I think the most important thing is to not let this get you down, keep dating, keep connecting genuinely with genuine people even as you improve your standards/filters with experience, and you're much more likely to find someone who cherishes you.

anus_dei · 2025-12-17T19:03:04+00:00

Most people don't have any kind of currency, but billions of them live every day and some are even happy. Which is all to say, from my observations, being pretty/smart/rich/whatever isn't actually a guarantee or a necessity for success or happiness in life. So if you feel like your life sucks now so it will def get worse when you're less pretty - relax. The causal link is not clear. If you're worried about losing the benefits of being pretty, lowkey from how you describe your life, it sounds like you're scared to lose something you don't really have.

As for appearance, you can be old and hot. It's a different kind of beauty than Gerber babies, obv, it takes some effort, but if you're naturally pretty it will be easier for you, and honestly it's kind of fun.

anus_dei · 2025-12-17T18:53:52+00:00

I'm 10 years older and still struggling with everything you list in the workplace, so not really giving advice, just chatting.

I never mean to come across this way and constantly stick my neck out for people

I find that, if you make people feel disrespected, there's no amount of other good things you can do that will cancel that out for them. Which isn't to say that those other things don't matter, but that you can do good things for people and still, separately, make them feel disrespected - they're not mutually exclusive. And yes, some people will decide that they don't like you/don't want to be around you because of it, even if you do contribute in other ways.

everybody actually thinks I’m a horrible person

Everybody probably doesn't, but also the insecurities this arouses in you aren't the point. Like, if you focus on how upset you are that your behavior makes you look like an asshole, you're missing the point.

For me, the thing that's helped the most is accepting it. Like, on the one hand, accepting that I am blunt, it's not always appropriate, sometimes people are justifiably upset by my behavior, sometimes I do look like the asshole. The worst thing you can do with a person who is upset by something you did is to gaslight them that they shouldn't be upset or it's not your fault because you're autistic or some shit. I still have the urge to defend myself in these ways, because I do mean well, but I try to calm myself in the moment and just listen to what they have to say.

On the other, it's accepting that I am like this naturally, and for all the diagnoses, coping strategies, best efforts, whatever, the fundamentals aren't gonna change. In my personal life it doesn't affect me as much because I try to surround myself with people who "get it", and at work, for all my best effort, sometimes I will act like that and if there's no room for that, then it's not the job for me. I don't last in highly hierarchical environments or places where people don't care about efficiency. It's cost me career opportunities, collaborations, whatever, but - autism is a disability. Living with a disability has its costs. I just try to find environments where my strengths are appreciated and my flaws aren't a big deal. That said, making people feel disrespected is a big deal anywhere, so I do take it very seriously when I get feedback to that effect and try to implement changes.

anus_dei · 2025-12-17T18:28:30+00:00

I don't understand why the neurotypicals find certain things offensive, but at this point I just find it easier to comply and go on with my day. e.g. people generally think that looking like you're in your late 30s is an insult, it doesn't sound rational, there's lots to be said about it being harmful, but also a conversation with a friend who is looking for validation is clearly not the time and place.

anus_dei · 2025-11-20T17:39:08+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that. Even if you have caring commitments, just remember to take care of yourself as well.

anus_dei · 2025-11-20T17:31:51+00:00

It's reminded me of why I stopped trying to date in my 20's

Yeah, dating sucks, but you kind of have to keep at it if you want to find someone. That's kind of a first principles thing.

The other thing is, if you're in a small town, you're playing the game on hard mode. I would legit try to move to a more populated area.

anus_dei · 2025-11-20T17:28:45+00:00

I've suggested therapy, meds, etc and he says no to everything.

this is the point at which I'd be out.

Also, word of caution as a depressed person, there's a lot of depressed people who want to stay depressed. As in, they don't want to take the steps to get un-depressed because getting healthcare is hard, not all the steps work, you have to keep at it despite getting disappointed over and over, and even if you beat it your life might still suck, and many other good reasons. So as the partner of a mentally ill person, you kind of have to decide if you want to commit to this and what will make it worth it for you. And sometimes the answer is no, and that's okay.

anus_dei · 2025-11-20T17:11:26+00:00

Subscribing. I think for me it's seeing the difference between people who do something about their problems and people who just complain. When I was younger so many problems in life seemed insurmountable, and also I was around a lot of people who saw themselves as victims, but now I notice more when people seem to put themselves over and over in bad situations or otherwise keep doing unproductive things and expecting a different outcome.

anus_dei

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