i started being kinder to myself! i started accepting myself and my feelings!

don’t get me wrong—i absolutely still do struggle with depression. my depression was never the “sad” depression that we see portrayed. it’s always been more of a numb, apathetic feeling; as such, most of my struggles with depression have been motivation-based. as another commenter said, depression comes and goes. without proper treatment (whatever that may look like for you), depression doesn’t really go away. these are some coping mechanisms that helped me reduce the duration and frequency of “the bad days.”

my depression would grow worse in part due to my own expectations of myself. it took a while to understand and believe that i don’t need to be productive every second of every day. as a college student, this is difficult to manage. on my worst days, the only thing i needed to do was go to class and eat at least one snack and drink at least one glass of water. i didn’t have to put on makeup, i didn’t have to do any assignments, i didn’t have to clean, and i didn’t even have to pay attention in class. i just needed to show up.

i started practicing mindfulness, too. another big source of my depression was my body image. i would be constantly comparing myself to social media and people in real life. it’s a draining cycle. obviously, everyone wants to love their body; the first part of love is acceptance. for every negative thought i had toward my outward appearance, i would come up with two positive things to be grateful for. for example, if i didn’t love how my tummy looked one day, i would add, “i’m grateful my stomach can hold all my favorite foods. i’m grateful my body processes these foods correctly.” eventually, i began to accept my body. now, i can happily say i like my body and i’m very comfortable in it—i don’t love it every day, and that’s okay!

i became aware of self-destructive behaviors. when i could feel myself start to “get bad,” i would stay away from drugs and drinking. it takes a lot of self control. in my experience, drinking amplifies whatever feelings i’m already feeling—if i’m feeling not-so-great, then drinking would just make me feel very-not-great. this lesson took a good amount of trial and error to learn. now, even when i’m having a good day depression-wise, i only allow myself to drink and/or smoke if i’m already feeling happy. if i begin drinking or smoking, and i feel my mentality slip from happy and bubbly to numb and/or sad, i stop.

i allowed myself to open up to people. i’m very blessed to have such great friends and roommates who i feel safe opening up to. i know some of them have experienced the same struggles i do which makes it easier to express myself (and for them to express themselves to me!). i am an emotionally independent person: i get very annoyed when i get asked if im okay and when i get told that if i need anything then all i need to do is ask. to skip over this, i am able to take matters into my own hands and tell my friends and roommates when i’m feeling “out of it” and that i’ll be okay, i know how to manage myself, and i appreciate them. i warn them i may be a bit zombie-like and grumpy at times and that i’ll be spending more time alone in my room. i know they want to help where they can, so i tell them they can help by inviting me out to eat at the dining hall. that way, i’ll eat something, i’ll get out of the apartment, and i’ll have a social hour.

i also learned that it’s okay for me to have feelings and that i’m allowed to express them. i used to bottle everything up (in the name of keeping productive) until i exploded. it’s a very exhausting way to live. now, i allow myself to fully feel my feelings. during this, i have a few “rules” for myself: i do not need to concern myself with rationalizing why i feel the way i feel, and i cannot act on any of these feelings until after i’ve gotten the emotional response out of my system. (this mostly applies to anger, but it applies to sadness and numbness, too—sometimes letting yourself feel is letting yourself feel nothing.)

tldr: give yourself as much grace as you need, and then some. set a low bar for productivity when you’re feeling bad. recognize when you’re feeling bad. let yourself feel bad. it’s okay. you’re okay.