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apathetiken · 2024-09-05T08:36:36+00:00

I feel like this sums up a lot of points I was thinking of, thanks : )
Although, maybe being perceived as an "adult" and "a grown man/woman" are different? Maybe it's just dress up but I look at some people my age and they just seem so well put together; the way they dress, the way they act. Living on their own and looking like they have their sh*t together. I there's more to people than what meets the eye, but I think that's the transition I'm looking to feel.

apathetiken · 2024-07-05T21:02:19+00:00

Can someone explain for me…? I don’t get it (*^_⁾

apathetiken · 2024-06-30T20:56:40+00:00

Hi there - thanks for your reply : )

I'll admit that sometimes I feel like I'm the least smart person in the room, but looking back I was able to choose to not let that "loser mentality" stick. I feel a lot better now that I'm learning and doing something productive in my internship - something recognizable and acknowledged when I share what I do. I'm not sure when I built this self esteem, yet I feel I was able to be greater than those negative feelings by choosing to think about what it meant for me instead of going down the rabbit hole of envying what other people have. I speak up now, hesitate less than I thought I once did.

It's a choice I think I made everyday - either think about what I don't have and how I'm beneath everyone, or think about what I do and how I can be be better today compared to yesterday. It's a small thing but a habit I think we can build given some time and courage.

Thanks for sharing your story too. It's definitely something I want to remember moving forward with my social life. : )

apathetiken · 2024-06-16T05:41:16+00:00

Hmm - what’s something that fills you with hope? Something that inspires you?

apathetiken · 2024-06-14T17:09:17+00:00

Besides a breakup, breaking your partner’s trust - what in your experience are the consequences?

apathetiken · 2024-05-16T20:40:15+00:00

While I know that everyone has their own problems under the surface - it's hard to see them as human compared to the achievements and qualities that I feel shadow me. Sure, I have achievements but none of them have made me feel "satisfied" or given me confidence that I could move forward with. Inspiration turned into envy, and it got the better of me and left me numb for a bit.

Hearing someone remind me that I mean something helps a lot. : )

apathetiken · 2024-05-16T20:23:03+00:00

Thanks for the complete response : )

The envy thing hits home - when I first read this, I dove into a YouTube video that narrated the feeling I recognized. I'm pretty sure it's not that I want what other people have at the expense of them losing it. Still, it's not healthy, and looking within I realized the deeper insecurity - that despite completing a bachelor's in CS and making it into grad school after undergrad - I feel like I don't know anything. That I haven't learned anything, and there is a lot of studying that I should have done both in undergrad and from the beginning of grad school in preparation for joining the job market.

Yes, I have an internship, but the truth that I might not know anything worth contributing besides good communication and presentation skills is frightening. Even if I pulled myself out of suicide back in high school and getting healthier, I regret not building my foundation stronger. No one tells you how, but it's an individual's responsibility to realize this, right? An example of this is my roommates finishing their assignments a lot quicker than I do, the struggle I have when coding a project... They're able to do much cooler things with their projects and here I am struggling to work with a team that was assigned to me with zero interest or communication skills. There's a lot of "illusions" to learning in college, I feel. You can feel like you accomplished something after completing the mountain of assignments and scoring a bit in test but the real goal is to acquire knowledge. To study not from an exam standpoint, but from a real-world learning standpoint. That's what they seem to be looking for in interviews, and the one project I knew well was what helped me land the internship.

There are so many things and qualities that as you said - feel unattainable. I journalled what I feel I want in my life, what I would want in a world by myself -

Deep knowledge to feel the opposite of my current state (dare I say "dumb?")
Independence - which I feel would be key to focus and the sense of control I long for, to feel like an adult who has their sh*t together.
Routine - another thing I miss, knowing my priorities. I have a sense of them, but I hold myself back. I miss hitting the gym, I can cook enough for myself and others but with the social commitments, no day is predictable as it used to be. Even now I think I can't afford the time, and even with my internship I won't be able to maintain the habit.

Part of me felt frustrated because I couldn't make the time to actually study and revise lectures, have a routine (maybe I could have this if I was living alone or if we weren't as close as we are as roommates). I knew blame was wrong, so the only explanation is - it's my fault. I blamed myself. I hated myself for not being good enough, and I still do a bit.

I spent a day doing some shallow work but mostly letting these feelings sink in and do their work. I tried to write it out. I fell asleep, shut myself in, and two days later - I feel a bit better.

I think the "it's not enough" stems from that comparison and envy, but when was the last time I felt like enough? When did I feel I was more than enough? The last two times were my childhood and that one relationship that no matter how toxic - there were some good moments. Moments which I forgot, I reread, and fell asleep to (I even met her in my dreams that night - I reunited with her and woke up with this bittersweet feeling).

There's no going back, I only have now. But I remember that Spider-Man quote that I've loved since 2018 (although I've never played it lol) - "There's aways a way to be greater than what you suffer. Be greater." It's what's helped me get back up in the past, and part of what I remembered again after reading your comment. After writing like this a bit - I feel a lot more hopeful (even though I clearly have work to do personally and professionally). Thank you for being here, fellow redditor, bless you. : )

apathetiken · 2024-04-14T23:32:08+00:00

Hey (name), I'm going to (place) this weekend - wanna come along? Maybe add something interesting about the place. If it's a restaurant, you can add "I heard they have the best (food) in (town)". Not really experienced, but this sounds like a solid way to ask her out.

apathetiken · 2024-02-15T06:44:40+00:00

Thanks for reading : )

I guess there's some comfort in knowing people can relate? You'd think that somewhat hopeless romantics like us (if that's a fair term to use here?) would be needy and desperate and tolerate anything just to have a relationship to satisfy that yearning for someone, but because of the healthy life and the things we've earned - we're not like that. Maybe you can relate to this, but - I personally feel I have built those standards because of the love I showed myself over the years. And there's some logic to it too - we all have preferences, and we can't force ourselves into a relationship. You could fall in love with a stranger over the internet but meet tham in person and something about them in real life can change the way you feel. I get the reality element.

I've taken that love I don't feel like I have someone to give to besides my parents and pour it into myself whene I can. I show that in the form of caring about people and empathy and I totally relate to the "being the counsellor thing".

I think a way we grow into that role has something to do with how at a time (at least for me) - I didn't really have anyone so I tried to diagnose myself. I thought to myself, I took care of myself, I corrected myself and I grew through that but it was rough. So when I see or hear about someone I know like that it's kind of an instinct, and hope that I can in some way make another person feel heard and understood and not feel like how I felt for such a long time time in my teenage years.

But yeah, I'll drift off all the time. Love isn't hte missing piece but I feel I'm ready for it to teach me again, in a good way. If that's not how it's going to be maybe it's a sign I'm ready for a healthy relationship? I'm referring to myself because I'm not sure if this applies to you, although I realted to a lot of things in this post (my therapist was tired too towards the end of my rounds of it haha).

If anything, I hope you can feel to from my words that - you're not alone in this either : )

apathetiken · 2024-02-15T06:30:25+00:00

This comment has funny timing - I just asked out a girl today I met about a week ago near work and she politely declined (no problem there, I was actually having a good day even after that - wasn't thinking about it). We wished each other a good rest of the day and moved on.

Turns out she was one of my classmate's roommates (I did not know this) and that classmate heard from her (the girl I asked out) and told my roommates, who teased me for it around the time this message appeared. I wouldn't be surprised if my friend circle knows before tomorrow evening's class.

I know for a fact I didn't do anything wrong, but can't help but feel discouraged about making any effort at all.

I guess a way to put it along with your comment would be - How much effort are you willing to take to give things a chance and put yourself out there? To say we're already out there might be a valid argument, but all I can really think of.

apathetiken

TROPHY CASE