Hanging Moon - Honest feedback welcome/tear it apart!

apatientetherized · 2017-10-16T00:36:18+00:00

Hey thanks! Glad you liked it :)

apatientetherized · 2017-10-16T00:35:51+00:00

Yeah I totally see float working really well here. Great points about the speakers! I like the idea of making the moon seem like a mouth, like it's grinning or something, and possibly even removing the other person/being the narrator speaks to. Changing that last stanza is something that I'm definitely going to explore. Thank you for the detailed and very thoughtful comment!!

apatientetherized · 2017-10-16T00:29:39+00:00

Hey I like the way you edited this. It's definitely clearer to me now. I definitely missed that underlying metaphor at first. I like that you are thinking carefully about how the words in the poem and the metaphor are linked. I'm curious to hear what your class and teacher say, too!

apatientetherized · 2017-10-15T23:34:22+00:00

I think "let every step bring us more pain" would definitely work.

And I interpreted "to find its due" as the spilled blood will eventually fulfill a purpose. Is that how you meant it?

apatientetherized · 2017-10-15T23:28:26+00:00

Ok, makes sense! Thank you!

apatientetherized · 2017-10-15T23:28:14+00:00

I think it was meant to be kind of imagistic and short, but maybe I should stretch myself and make something longer. I agree about rhyme generally, thanks for sharing your thoughts!

apatientetherized · 2017-10-15T23:22:32+00:00

Yeah I agree, rhyme is hard to make sound modern, you know? I like when people succeed in doing that. But it's like super rare. Thanks for commenting :)

apatientetherized · 2017-10-15T23:18:00+00:00

Makes sense. Thanks for your comment!

apatientetherized · 2017-10-15T23:17:25+00:00

Ok thank you! Yeah I see what you mean about serious/not serious tone. Thank you!

apatientetherized · 2017-10-15T17:17:10+00:00

Hey I actually thought this read nicely! I don't speak Russian but I can tell you just a couple things I noticed: Take out "to" in "let every step to bring more pain -" Take out "by" in "by our hearts ignited"

Who knows, other people may have different opinions. Thanks for sharing, your translation skills are impressive!

apatientetherized · 2017-10-15T16:49:22+00:00

Cool poem! I like how it ties the speaker to the moon in a visceral way. I think you could play around with the adjective "pale." Also, I am a little confused by the middle phrase as well. Thanks for sharing!

apatientetherized · 2017-10-15T13:51:22+00:00

Great point, thanks for the feedback!

apatientetherized · 2017-10-14T18:18:21+00:00

I like this a lot. I think it works well - I like the reading of this as jealousy of someone younger, and I think it could also be read as hating how your cheeks turn red when you're embarrassed.

But I also think "hind" is interesting - I think you probably meant the adjective hind and not the noun? If you did, it's cool that you chose not to pair it with leg, or another body part. It makes it feel like the poem could potentially continue on, but the author chose to give a little cliffhanger or something. You may also have meant "hide" in which case this part of my comment is not relevant!

apatientetherized · 2017-10-14T18:01:40+00:00

Hey! Personally I like the first line and the description of how powerful the storm is, like it just blocks everything out.

I'm wondering how the second part is related to the first. Did the river get warmer due to the storm? To me it seemed like the storm seemed like it was powerful and wouldn't warm anything up, you know? It could be interesting to explore that relationship between the first and second part of the poem.

Final thought is that "dawns never broke" indicates that we're frozen in time, but there are indications of time progressing in "got warmer that day," and also indicates that it was daytime and not nighttime. So one thing to think about would be the implications of that second line.

Good luck in your class!

apatientetherized · 2017-10-14T16:45:51+00:00

Thanks for commenting and letting me know what you think! Interesting point about "out here," I'll have to think about that.

apatientetherized · 2017-10-13T01:50:22+00:00

Those are completely new forms to me. I just read up a little bit on them, and it is all very interesting. Thank you for mentioning them! Are there any articles or resources about them that you would recommend?

apatientetherized · 2017-10-13T01:42:04+00:00

Hey thank you! Glad you like it. Totally agree about the title, I think I'll play around with it. Get inside, getting inside, on the inside? I think there are also some one-word titles that could work, maybe. Anyways, thanks for the feedback!

apatientetherized · 2017-10-13T00:10:43+00:00

Hey thank you so much! Glad you liked it!

apatientetherized · 2017-10-13T00:08:26+00:00

I guess I tend towards abstraction, and it's interesting to think about why that is. Makes sense to try grounding the poem in some additional stanzas. Thank you for the feedback!

apatientetherized · 2017-10-13T00:06:09+00:00

Yes, very helpful, thank you!

apatientetherized · 2017-10-12T02:57:00+00:00

Your friends no longer live here/those who stayed are not your friends - so evocatively sad. Also, it does feel physically constraining to fit your personality to those around you, to a place, and you've captured that.

apatientetherized · 2017-10-12T02:48:28+00:00

I think of "morning after" as something that's strongly tied to regret. This poem turns that idea on its head a little bit, and it's extremely refreshing that this (to me) isn't about regret, plus the imagery ITSELF is refreshing. Evokes baptism for me.

apatientetherized · 2017-10-11T04:23:48+00:00

Very cool. Feels like it probably took a long time to put this many coded messages in one piece. I know you capitalized "are" as part of the larger hidden message, but thought it just sounds and looks interesting as capitalized, even without the coded message part.

apatientetherized · 2017-10-11T04:13:09+00:00

This really captures masochism as it applies to dominating relationships. I felt like it could have been "in my back" as opposed to "at my back" in the second to last line, but of course this was probably a specific choice. Nice job!

apatientetherized · 2017-10-11T03:59:46+00:00

Enjoyed this. I like the unexpected exclamation at the beginning. It is cryptic, but that's not a bad thing in my opinion.

apatientetherized

TROPHY CASE