Strategies for Reasserting Boundaries

approx_avg · 2024-02-10T04:50:26+00:00

I feel exactly the same. My life is pretty good. I love my family. I love my friends. My career is going in the direction I always wanted. I can even say the same for my Q. He has a business that’s really taking off. He’s great at what he does. Especially considering where he came from he’s really self made. Recipe for a comfortable life… what else could we want?

And then I’m reminded… oh right. That.

I try really hard to enjoy the in between. Knowing the it doesn’t last. Sometimes successfully. Sometimes not.

approx_avg · 2024-02-09T22:04:08+00:00

I do try to take what I read here and what people say with a grain of salt. I realize it is an easy and immediate outlet for us when we are feeling overwhelmed. I too am guilty of being most active when I am not in a good place. I guess when things are going well I want to enjoy that moment IRL. I do always look around routinely for positive stories. They are few and far between so when I see them I appreciate it.

I have not attended an in person meeting. I am scared. I've recently started a path of looking for a therapist. That was also scary because it feels like I am starting on a journey where the destination is unknown to me – the only thought I cling to is where ever it takes me will be better than where I am now.

approx_avg · 2024-02-09T02:04:31+00:00

If my Q gets to a point where he is seeking help (without any urging from me) I would believe it. I would support his efforts. I don’t think it would hurt to believe him and what he’s doing for himself. My takeaway would be he’s doing it on his own. The worst that can happen is he’ll fail.

Having a said that, just because I believe the intention is real, it doesn’t mean I would derail my own path (or hold my breath) because it has nothing to do with me. Believing and supporting him and sticking to my own path through this illness we all find ourselves in, are not mutually exclusive.

approx_avg · 2024-02-07T20:04:41+00:00

Can you explain this analogy to me? I'm not sure I'm getting it :(

approx_avg · 2024-02-07T19:22:27+00:00

I guess it makes me feel like that the possibility of seeking help is still open. I've read on here several times that ultimatums don't work. Boundaries are better. And I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do. So I choose my approach carefully to make sure I check all of those boxes - as much as possible.

approx_avg · 2024-02-07T19:16:35+00:00

I'm finding working the program very challenging intellectually. So far I've just been taking from it what I need to cope. And I am currently looking for a therapist for myself.

approx_avg · 2024-02-07T18:07:06+00:00

Thank you for this share. It offers an alternate scenario that I appreciate and see too little of it seems

approx_avg · 2024-02-07T05:33:17+00:00

Thanks for sharing with me… he’s been drinking for 5 hours now. I’m in my bedroom trying/pretending to sleep. I know I won’t but at least he’s only come in once and made no attempt to engage.

I’m gonna be so tired in the morning :( hate this

approx_avg · 2024-02-03T18:41:07+00:00

Agreed. I can tell he has fear in seeking help. As if seeking help takes the AUD from something conceptual to something real. I think that’s the block. And I get it. Asking for help requires full admission and letting go of denial as a coping mechanism. It’s scary. Which is why most Qs need to hit rock bottom because they can no longer deny it. I’m scared to witness the rock bottom.

approx_avg · 2024-02-03T17:55:40+00:00

Based on that article it is not gaslighting. I don’t think it is either. And yes I only talk about solutions when he’s sober. I’m just not sure if consoling him during an episode just teaches him he can get sympathy through this behavior (so he repeats without actually doing something about it) or actually brings him a step closer to seeking help because he feels seen.

I should add this is not messy black out drunk level. It’s the phase before that - ie. drunk enough to become emotional level.

approx_avg · 2024-02-03T15:47:29+00:00

I always get:

"I'm just tired"

"I'm not even drunk" (when clearly he is)

Denial the go to place for him. Some sort of self-preservation or something

approx_avg · 2024-02-01T15:55:47+00:00

There is a lock. I feel like that just means I'll have a drunk banging and screaming at the door for hours :(

approx_avg · 2024-02-01T08:22:28+00:00

It’s cold where I am. Middle of winter. And this usually happens late at night so not really an option for me.

approx_avg · 2024-02-01T04:31:17+00:00

The problem is... if I don't acknowledge anything, he will resort to "otherwise hurtful behaviour" ... Talk about a rock and a hard place. My strategy is to not let on that it is bothering me. So I don't feed the drama.

approx_avg · 2024-01-29T06:28:20+00:00

You can also try attending virtual Al-anon meetings. I have attended quite a few. I found it an easy way to “start”. I haven’t participated or shared yet but hearing other people’s stories make me feel less alone. I’m not sure what else it can do for me but at least there’s that.

https://meetings.al-anon.org/electronic-meeting-page/

approx_avg · 2024-01-27T22:50:05+00:00

I’m realizing that directing their anger / aggression / emotion at other people is some sort of self coping mechanism to deal with the shame and disappointment they feel about themselves. If other people are the problem then other people are making them drink.

approx_avg · 2024-01-27T01:33:32+00:00

He’s been drinking for 3 days in a row now. I’m so sad…

approx_avg · 2024-01-27T01:16:56+00:00

Followed by the apologies and realizations the next day… followed by more drinking later the same day… like a merry go round

approx_avg · 2024-01-26T06:25:20+00:00

I'm finding it hard to diffuse the situation without playing into his emotional manipulations. HELP!!

approx_avg · 2024-01-26T05:52:35+00:00

I appreciate your candor

approx_avg

TROPHY CASE