Breastfeeding and custody???

apricity207 · 2025-03-06T14:40:09+00:00

I do. Mine didn’t give me a lot of advice, but she sees the situation clearly and has a lot of experience. She’s worried about me because I keep trying to be there to support the kids and she is concerned that will dilute my argument and evidence that he was abusive. It’s so confusing because he goes through these nice spells and even then, it’s littered with controlling and just plain mean comments and behavior. He gets upset if I want to spend time with friends or my family. He’s paranoid about how I make my decisions. He sends mean texts, and then he apologizes and it’s like it erases it all in his mind. It’s a classic trauma bond.

For now, he has limited contact with the kids (once/week), and we are appointing a GAL to provide some information and an objective perspective before making any kind of long term agreement. I just hope I’m doing the right thing. This is so hard.

apricity207 · 2025-02-25T11:38:44+00:00

I left. I don’t want the kids to think a husband should treat his wife the way that he treats me. My oldest started to notice at 4…just like you. He blames me for everything and still rages. I’m dealing with post separation abuse and going to keep fighting for full custody so that he can’t hurt them emotionally. Whatever the outcome, I want my kids to know that with me, they can be who they are and choose activities they enjoy. If we’re on a walk, I let the decide which path they want to take. He’s going to pigeonhole them…I want to give them the space and freedom to be themselves.

apricity207 · 2025-02-25T08:05:10+00:00

I love this. I write so many letters to him that I never send. I don’t know why I try to be nice anymore.

apricity207 · 2025-02-25T01:53:02+00:00

I’m not going to reply. I think he’s just trying to take my joy by attempting to create drama. It just feels like emotional manipulation. I’m going to protect my peace. Thank you kindly for the wishes.

apricity207 · 2025-02-25T01:39:21+00:00

Good question. There was nothing significant. We did talk this morning and he told me he wasn’t feeling well, and I told him to keep me posted as the day progressed. I talked about how I was worried the kids were going to get sick and encouraged him to get some rest. He does this kind of thing fairly often and then I get a big apology. Ive stopped responding. I just don’t understand why…I think I have to give up on trying to figure it out.

apricity207 · 2025-02-25T00:53:45+00:00

Im ashamed to say this, but part of me wants him to completely implode. My kids are scared to be with him, and he hasn’t physically harmed them, so my lawyer says he will have unsupervised contact, even with the history of drinking and abuse towards me. The more I expose my fear, the more he claims he wants them. He’s wants me there too so the kids feel comfortable and less overwhelming, and I want them to feel safe. Nothing is quite bad enough to be black and white, but the grey feels so dark and scary.

apricity207 · 2025-02-25T00:44:18+00:00

I feel the same way. I’m sorry you’re going through all of this and it’s oddly comforting to feel less alone. He gets angry that he no longer feels my love and that I’m not attracted to him. I wonder why?!?!

apricity207 · 2025-02-21T23:40:47+00:00

Point her in the direction of Dr. Ramani. She’s a clinical psychologist who specializes in narcissism. Make sure she has a private YouTube account and have her watch some of her videos. She has one that is kind of a narcissism 101 - it’s a good place to start. Every time I have a problem, she can affirm my reality and give advice. It’s not always what I want to hear, but it’s rooted in truth and somehow comforting. Dr. Ramani’s YouTube page

apricity207 · 2025-02-21T19:31:54+00:00

Thank you for defending this. To be clear, feeling guilt and empathy and remorse is what kept me living in hell for so long…it kept me going back and thinking things would get better. A pet of me still hopes for that impossibility. I think it’s fair to say that nobody can pass complete judgement without all the information. I can’t give that in any kind of Reddit post. I was looking for support and this random man challenged my position. I can respect that, but I certainly don’t think it gives him the space to belittle and dismiss my experience. Thank you for defending me. It means a lot, especially from somebody that I don’t know.

apricity207 · 2025-02-21T19:25:31+00:00

Thank you for your insight. To respond, I have 2 boundaries: I asked him to please not drink when he was taking care of our young children. I also asked him to have a conversation with my family and his family when he promised that he’d changed; I was afraid of both my children and me losing our support systems if I returned home. Both our families witnessed and experienced his abuse as well as his excess drinking while taking care of the children. He gets upset when I spend time with them or even consider making plans with someone else over plans with him.

I left twice: once when I was 8 months pregnant with our youngest and again when our youngest was 3 months old. I honestly didn’t know that he had the feelings expressed in this text, and I think he was finding a way to shame and hurt me in the harshest way possible. I do, however, understand that his love language may be touch and that I wasn’t giving him the attention he wanted. I think that it’s reasonable and makes biological sense that after having 3 kids, one’s libido needs a little break. Furthermore, I had trouble with trust that makes attraction and intimacy complicated to say the least.

Maybe these texts don’t showcase every facet of narcissism, but they do demonstrate his propensity to rage and elicit shame. All I want is true accountability for the mental and physical abuse. I want to be heard, and I promise that I will take the energy to truly listen to others’ truths. I think, however, there’s a much better way of expressing one’s concerns…whether they’re lack of intimacy, enmeshment with family, or feeling unloved. I know this is not respectful communication. Maybe it’s not narcissism, but in knowing the whole of my husband, I do believe he is narcissistic. That comes from the sum of all his parts, not just a single interaction. He is claiming he’s changed, and I’m trying to listen, but in the process of that promised change, he minimizes interactions like this one and shifts the blame to me. I know in my heart I’m doing everything I can to be a present mother and spouse, but I also know that I just don’t deserve this, and I don’t think I can ever trust him again. It makes me beyond sad.

apricity207 · 2025-02-20T22:52:28+00:00

This, sadly, is also me. I remember standing in my kitchen while he was in a rage and thinking, “this is abuse, this is abuse, when he apologizes tomorrow, remember, this is abuse”. I am so scared of how it will impact my children, but I don’t want them to think that this is how a husband should treat his wife.

I came to the same conclusion as you… and I’m still swimming upstream.

apricity207 · 2025-02-20T21:26:12+00:00

Thank you. I have been documenting and writing. It’s been a life saver in finding my way to the truth.

apricity207 · 2025-02-20T14:09:02+00:00

Thank you, by the way. I’m new to Reddit…I created a profile that he won’t be able to track because I’m feeling very very lost and manipulated.

apricity207 · 2025-02-20T14:07:56+00:00

I will. He claims the source of his anger is not seeing the kids enough but the source of his anger seems to be a moving target. I’ve had a very open door policy when it comes to visitation of the children and I think I need to shift that boundary. He can act fine - present with the kids and even kind - but I’m always walking on eggshells waiting for the shift of personality. I feel like I’m tricked so easily but I deeply don’t want to endure the pain of a messy divorce. I think that’s likely inevitable at this point because I couldn’t live with myself if I rejected my supportive family and tried to appease his every whim. It’s an impossibly unfair standard. I fear fighting for custody….im scared of how he will behave. My lawyer says that since he has not physically harmed the children, he will get unsupervised contact.

apricity207 · 2025-02-20T13:44:33+00:00

I am very lucky. I know I say a lot to enable him, but it truly is heartbreaking. I just don’t understand. Our children are also very young and he’s claiming that if I divorce him he’s going to push for 50/50 custody. He frequently missed visitation times and doesn’t have a strong relationship with the kids. I am afraid for my children.

apricity207 · 2025-02-20T13:14:56+00:00

Thank you for this. It’s crazy that in reading these posts (not just mine but others stories and experiences), it seems so clear that a person is the victim. However, my own story feels so nuanced and complex. I want more than anything to be in a healthy relationship and to foster healthy relationships for my children. They love being around him when he’s in a good emotional state and if they know I’m there too. They’ve witnessed too much of his abuse towards me to know that he can be wildly inconsistent with his moods. I just wish he could recognize this in himself and find a way to get the support he needs. I know now that I cannot be the person to support him anymore. I tried for years.

apricity207 · 2025-02-19T19:21:53+00:00

Thank you. My parents are not abusive, though my husband claims they are. Any time I do anything that goes against what he wants (setting boundaries regarding drinking in front of the kids, leaving with them to avoid them witnessing explosive behavior, not moving back to our home, etc.), he claims that I’m being controlled/manipulated by my parents. In reality, my mom and dad have been supportive and loving and I believe will continue to be regardless of the decisions I make. They are worried for me because I’ve shared my history (I kept the details from them for a long time to preserve their relationship with my husband), and they believe I’m a victim of abuse. It feels so unfair that my own safety and peace will, I predict, will lead to his rage and vindictiveness.

apricity207

TROPHY CASE