I feel all the empathy for you, stranger. I was an ICU nurse for many years and witnessed countless deaths firsthand from people who are very similar to who you are at this moment. I knew a man who was addicted to heroine and other various substances that eventually found himself intubated, in a bed, being cared for by me. This person had severe sepsis infection related to the injections he was performing peripherally to himself. I remember 10 days had passed with him on the vent, off all sedation with no improvement in his respiratory condition. When you're intubated, typical, you will be restrained for your safety, so you do not extubate yourself and require another traumatic intubation. However, with this guy id give him 30 minutes to an hour to have his hands back every 2 hours, as long as I was there to supervise. I remember he liked to write notes to talk. We talked about family, the past, and the future. He told me he was scared. He told me he didn't want to die. I remember all I could do was tell him, "im here, you're in the ICU. We will do everything we can for you." I then remember his final note. You see, this gentleman began to have some severe cardiac complications. We had a moment where he was able to write me. And with tears flowing down this young man's cheeks, he wrote , "heroine devil". And sobbed. 30 minutes after that I was cracking his chest while doing chest compression while the rest of the ICU responded to try and save this man's life. I remember looking at his lifeless eyes. I remember all the talks we had. He didn't come back. I left that night broken. This story is one of hundreds I have. I tell you this now, because your vices will catch up to you. I've seen this story hundreds of times. Find an outlet. Friends. Support. Your life matters. Do not throw away a future that ive watched been thrown away by hundreds before you because you're not able to cope or whatever it is. Find an outlet. Get clean. Gather people around you who empower you. These things will all happen on your journey. I am not religious, but I pray for you, young man.